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Element 99

Got any good Chuck Norris jokes?

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Posted - October 13, 2017
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Responses


  • 2327
    Chuck Norris was supposed to be on MT Rushmore, but the granite isn't hard enough for his beard. 

    Here's a nice clip. You only have to notice the concentration/focus in the eyes to confirm he's the real deal. Fortunately, for Van Damme's head, he didn't miss the target. 




      October 13, 2017 11:49 AM MDT
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  • 2500
    You do know that Chuck Norris died over three years ago? It's just that the Grim Reaper hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.

    which leads to Death once had a "near-Chuck" experience.

    When the Hulk gets ticked off he turns into Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That's why scientists can't find any signs of life there.

    Chuck Norris built the hospital that he was born in.

    Chuck Norris doesn't have an "Escape" key on his computer keyboard.

    Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear rug in his living room. The bear's not dead though, it's just too scared to move.

    Chuck Norris doesn't turn on the shower. He just stares at it until it starts to cry.

    When Chuck left home to go to college he said to his father "You're the man of the house now."

    While learning CPR Chuck accidentally brought the practice dummy to life.

    Chuck Norris plays soccer with a bowling ball.

    When Chuck Norris crosses the street the cars have to look both ways.

    Chuck Norris doesn't dial wrong numbers. You just answered the wrong phone. 

    Aliens haven't visited the earth yet because of Chuck Norris.

    (Oh GOD, make the jokes stop. Make them stop NOW!)

    OK, one more . . .

    When Chuck Norris was born the only one that cried was the doctor. No on slaps Chuck Norris and gets away with it.

    This post was edited by Salt and Red Pepper at October 13, 2017 2:09 PM MDT
      October 13, 2017 12:28 PM MDT
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  • 44659
    Lots of those I never heard. I made this one up: Chuck Norris eats charcoal and sh**s diamonds. This post was edited by Element 99 at October 13, 2017 12:49 PM MDT
      October 13, 2017 12:42 PM MDT
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  • 2500
    That's only the tip of a very large iceberg.

    But the one that is most convincing of all is: Chuck Norris actually won an argument with his wife one time. If that's not a superpower then I don't know what is . . .  
      October 13, 2017 12:56 PM MDT
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  • 13071
    There once was a street named Chuck Norris, but it had to be taken down for public safety reasons. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
      October 13, 2017 12:49 PM MDT
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  • 46117
    Chuck Norris IS the joke.

      October 13, 2017 12:52 PM MDT
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  • 13071
    I know right. LOL!!
      October 13, 2017 12:55 PM MDT
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  • 2500
    And he's laughing about that "joke"; all the way to the bank. (As they say at Capital One . . . What's in YOUR wallet?)
      October 13, 2017 12:58 PM MDT
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  • 46117
    Compared to happiness and peace of mind, money is small.   I like some of him, just not the contradictions.

      October 13, 2017 1:46 PM MDT
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  • 2500
    You're right. Having money isn't happiness. But having it sure makes shopping for happiness a lot easier. Any time I've seen Chuck "off set" he seems to have a big old smile on his face. Same too for the likes of Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Larry Ellison, Mark Cuban . . . 
      October 13, 2017 2:04 PM MDT
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  • 44659
    Should we replace Chuck Norris with Sharon?
      October 14, 2017 8:36 AM MDT
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  • 22891
    no, dont know of any
      October 13, 2017 1:58 PM MDT
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  • 5391
    Chuck Norris doesn’t do push ups, he pushes the earth away. 
      October 13, 2017 3:07 PM MDT
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  • 16841
    Chuck Norris doesn't wear condoms. There is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun ... and won.

    Chuck Norris CAN touch MC Hammer.

    Many people wear Superman pyjamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.

    Chuck Norris is personally responsible for global warming. He felt cold, so he turned the sun up.

    The Sherman tank was originally called the Norris tank until Chuck informed them that it wasn't tough enough to bear his name. The Army immediately renamed the tank and promised to invent a weapon more fitting. So far no weapon has been badass enough. This post was edited by Slartibartfast at October 14, 2017 8:37 AM MDT
      October 13, 2017 3:57 PM MDT
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