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Benedict Arnold

How do I put this broken friendship back on the rails?

I loved an older, married man dearly for nine years as a very close friend and confidante , and he loved me too almost like his daughter. It was all purely platonic.
Then one night last September the unexpected, and perhaps inevitable, happened and we both succumbed to the situation. Ever since then he has almost cut me off saying I seduced him into compromising his strict moral code of fidelity to his wife. 
I think his treatment of me is most unfair. We were both parties to what happened and we both went in with our eyes fully open. He cannot attribute his moment of weakness to my wiliness, as he terms it.
Of course, we'll both make sure it won't happen again. How do I win back his trust and friendship? He is such a lovely person. 

Posted - November 2, 2017
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Responses


  • 19938
    I'm afraid you can't put the genie back in the bottle.  Since he's the one accusing you of seducing him, you are his scapegoat since he doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility for his acquiescence.  Quite honestly, that tells me that he is not an honorable man and, personally, I would not want his friendship.
      November 2, 2017 7:27 PM MDT
    3

  • He is probably very ashamed of himself, especially since he couldn't restrain himself which he probably equates to weakness. But, all said and done, he is as human as you and I, with all human frailties, and I for one cannot bring myself to condemn him so bluntly. Not after nine years of very fond memories. 
      November 3, 2017 3:13 AM MDT
    1

  • 53394


      He doesn't seem to have any problem condemning you. That doesn't mean you have to mimic his behavior along those lines, but I don't think it's a wise move for you to attempt re-establishing the trust and friendship. He's made it clear that he wants to stay away from you. 

    ~
      November 3, 2017 5:31 AM MDT
    1

  • 19938
    I'm sure he is ashamed of himself, but instead of taking responsibility for his own shortcomings and the part he played in what happened, he put all the blame on you.  He was willing to throw you under the bus to make himself feel better.  In my opinion, that is not a person worthy of my friendship.  Naturally, I'm not saying you should feel the same way - clearly, you don't.
      November 3, 2017 6:17 AM MDT
    1

  • 53394


      My computer just crashed, seconds after I was into the finishing touches on an eloquent answer to this.  I can't even re-create the beauty of it, so I'll paraphrase: Spunky Senior put it right.  He doesn't deserve your friendship, and it's not you he mistrusts, he mistrusts himself.

    ~
      November 2, 2017 7:55 PM MDT
    3

  • He is probably very ashamed of himself, especially since he couldn't restrain himself which he probably equates to weakness. But, all said and done, he is as human as you and I, with all human frailties, and I for one cannot bring myself to condemn him so bluntly. Not after nine years of very fond memories. 
      November 3, 2017 3:14 AM MDT
    1

  • 33821
    He is trying to  put his marriage first....as he should. He knows now that he cannot trust himself regardless of who initiated the affair. 
    If I found myself in a similar situation, I would also cut off the friendship.

      November 3, 2017 4:32 AM MDT
    2

  • 22891
    i would stay away from him since hes married
      November 3, 2017 3:52 PM MDT
    0