Have you let something fester until it manifested into a mental illness?

This sounds like my life.

I had the same thing with my brother.  He is a drunk.  He is despicable and he had the Courts throw out an order of protection I filed against him because he would not stop harrassing me.

So, my heart goes out to you and I understand what helplessness and betrayal feel like.  It is enough to make you physically ill. 

Be at peace.

Thank you, Ms. Spy.  He, too, is an alcoholic.  That sums up the whole ordeal.  I can truly empathize with you, sadly.  Peace to you.

Does the anti-fester group celebrate festivous.

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?

Does it fester like a sore and then run?

Does it drag you down like a heavy load?

Or does it explode?

Well, it is sane to try and be protective and cautious.  I have had friends that just keep doing the same things over and over and making the same mistakes picking the same kind of person.

So, you seem to be trying to be sensible.

(good luck to you.  I hate seeing people feel emotionally in pain)

Thank you. Between work and that relationship I’m cynical. I’m untrusting of people. 

Yes, it is not such a bad thing to keep the lesson learned in mind so you don't feel the pain, but then some people go overboard and don't trust anyone and think they are the only people in the world that have ever been screwed.  But I understand that too. Because it hurts really, really bad and it is hard to imagine that everyone hurts at one time or another unless one is a sociopath.


Come on, what did you think I was going to do?

I work in a prison as a correctional officer. I have allowed the job and environment to make me cynical. Working with inmates and some horrible coworkers has ruined me with trust. 

WHY?  I don't think you like this.  Can you change to something a little more positive for you?

It’s difficult to explain. I’m surrounded by society’s worst 64 hours a week on average. Then having to deal with some corrupt staff and idiotic coworkers makes it worse. It’s a horrible environment to be in. I’ve been doing this for 16 years and I’m good at it. I might as well finish it out. I promoted so I can’t work towers or easier posts. I’m running cell houses.

The environment and job is difficult to explain. It’s difficult for outsiders to understand and grasp. It’s not their fault. They’re fortunate enough to not have to deal with it. 

It’s difficult to relate to people and for others to relate to me. When I’m at a restaurant I have to have my back to a wall and be able to see the entrance/exit. I don’t like people within two or three feet of me, otherwise I’m on edge. I don’t like crowds. I can sense people coming up behind me. I catch myself scoping out stores when I enter looking for anything Suspicious.

These are all behavioral patterns from work. This post was edited by Rizz at August 14, 2018 7:31 AM MDT

I understand.  You would feel like a fish out of water if you just left this very strange comfort zone.  Even hell can be a comfort zone when you are used to it.  And change can be really terrifying when you stand to lose all you worked for so far in this place.

I hope you are done soon.  Then you can hopefully breathe again.  The coworkers are even scarier to me than dealing with the prisoners. 

Honestly, most of the staff are good people trying to do their jobs and pay the bills. Correctional officers aren’t barbaric, knuckle dragging psychos. The inmates the ones to be worried about. Gang bangers, murderers, rapists, pedophiles, robbers, and drug addicts. Staff can’t be abusive. If we are verbally abusive we are disciplined and even terminated. If we use excessive force or torture inmates we are terminated, will be sued, and can be prosecuted. We have cameras everywhere. There isn’t much to get away with.
 

I did some good here. I got you thinking about their good sides.  I am glad I am hearing they are not an evil lot.  I never thought just being a prison guard meant anything good or bad, because there are many great ones.  But, if it is a depressing atmosphere, I was thinking maybe it was unbearable.  I'm glad it isn't as bad as I thought. 

Dang. Your last paragraph sounds like me. I don't know how I got into those habits as my jobs were not nearly as stressful.

I don’t have it in me for romantic relationships. I’m better off alone. 

I don't know how old you are?  But I am totally fine alone.  I had my fill.  It was fun, but it is not something I long for.

HOWEVER, if you are still in your prime of life, 30's-50's at least, I am thinking maybe you will re-think .

If not?  Single is fun.  It is a state of mind.  I am not alone, but I like to be alone a lot.

I’m pushing fourty. I have been on my own so long I don’t know how I’d deal with living with someone. I’ve become used to doing my own thing. I know my personality. I don’t want to put a woman through dealing with me. I require a lot of alone time.

I think you are being sane, actually.  It is not fun trying to have a relationship when work is sucking the life out of you.  I get that. 

Thank you. I’m trying to do what’s best. I can be difficult to deal with. It wouldn’t be fair or right to have a woman deal with me.