People are unfaithful for lots of reasons. For some, sure, it's purely about sexual gratification. For others, it's about finding an emotional connection, working out frustrations, seeking retribution, and a billion other things. For others, monogamy isn't even on the menu to begin with. As you well know, monogamy and love are not mutually exclusive.
That said, I think you hit on something when you mentioned the back-and-forth. Cheating is rarely about temptation. There's always temptation. It's the backstory which typically determines whether someone will cheat or not. Someone who is "together" isn't going to waver back and forth. That wavering is the first warning sign that one or both aren't set in what they want. It's like playing Jenga. Sure, you can pull a piece out and put it back on top and maintain balance for a while. But, you know when you start to see that tower shaking with each pull, it's coming down soon. It's inevitable.
Goodness you must be very focused because I just posted my comment yesterday!
OK guess I am not sure what you mean about what you call the "back and forth" or how you got that from my comment. Re temptation: I don't think we always (or at least I don't) get to meet someone who is interested in us and makes us feel that whatever our shortcomings we are still worthwhile. So either we turn our backs on them or accept them and enjoy the feeling and get something going.
OG- I'm back in college in addition to work, my single mom duties, and being here. I come here several times a day to check on the site, but I don't usually comment due to lack of time/ pure exhaustion.
As for the back-and-forth, you talk about starting off explaining to partners you aren't faithful, then talk about how it hurts when they start looking for someone else, then about how you preemptively end it because it's going to end anyway. And from their side, you talk about how they try to get monogamy from, despite having been told it's off the table. and how they look for someone else while still with you. That's back-and-forth too.
"Someone who is interested in us and makes us feel that whatever our shortcomings we are still worthwhile..." The difference being that someone who is self-confident doesn't care who finds them worthwhile. They're confident in their own self-worth. That statement highlights my point. If I have a partner who needs external validation like that, he's going to be unfaithful. That's why track records do sometimes matter. I can surmise that if my partner has that mindset, we're doomed. If he's self-confident, he won't cheat for validation. He might cheat for other reasons, but it's safe to say if he places that much value in himself based on how others feel about him, he can't really be in a relationship with me.
Thank you for explaining JA. I realize I have depended upon sex for personal validation and to some extent still do even though I now have many other abilities, skills, achievements, and reasons to feel good about myself. I guess I seek to explain more than to justify. There is so much I have to enjoy in life and I don't want to let any of it go!
I like your statement about having the things you don't want to let go and enjoying life. There are necessities and desires. In my relationship, sex isn't just sex. It is both a necessity and desire. I have never thought of it as validating who I am or the role I play in our relationship or the depth of our love... but sex does have a LOT of power. Therefore, I must say, it is an important pillar for us to maintain and grow in our relationship. I see your point. Thanks officegirl. :) :)
At this stage in the game, I would be more surprised and hurt he hadn't told me not by the action that had happened.
On our first date, he had feelings for me he swore he would never allow himself to have, again. In order to do protect those feelings he tried to frighten me, right out the gate. He laid out every bad, ugly, terrible, awful, no-good, very bad thing he had done before we got naked. He really didn't do anything bad sexually. In fact, he did nothing but please and in the process broke hearts. He didn't want any secrets. Nothing surprised me and to this point, we have made our own fun fantasies and loving, sexual history. It goes to trust, honesty and loving the person for who they are if as long as it falls within your realm of boundary.
This post was edited by Merlin at September 19, 2018 10:41 AM MDT
officegirl 