I often think like this with joy or love. I feel as if in some way or shape or form, I don't deserve real love or joy - it came from years of cruel abuse growing up, but even if I could wrap my mind around maybe deserving love some time, could a person be so broken that they would not be dateable? I always come to that conclusion; would the awful anxiety and difficulty trusting guys and even my own self soemtimes, make me not worthy of a relationship or love?
No I don't think like that. Might help you to listen to the song Sing Your Heart Out by the Trews. Part of the lyrics are - See the ghosts that haunted you put them in a paper bag and lay them in a long long grave - you deserve all the best and you should expect nothing less. It's a pretty cool song and it's by a Canadian group so you know it's got to be good. I included a link to the song. Cheers and happy weekend!
Only if I don't deserve what they get/have.
Aww thx so much N- that was so uplifting...have a wonderful weekend.
Thank you Nelly; I just wonder to myself, people say in the dating /love field, 'you have to be whole yourself, to love another' I guess it means to like, love, and have confidence in yourself? I have none of those, so how do I think I can be in a relationship or find love? But then I also read recently, we would all never do anything if we waited to be confident in everything. It's just torn for me b/c I feel a man would be getting a woman who is not whole, per se :/ (even though there's nothing more I want than to give and share love..) I liked 'people don't earn love'...ty again.
I don't have to look to other people. I can look at myself and realize that I've done nothing to deserve my current blessings. It's a humbling (if not fear inducing) realization.
What matters here, though, is not to measure yourself against the standards of other people. If you do, you'll value yourself based on how you THINK others value you, and that sets up a psychological negative feedback loop. You'll never correctly appraise the value which others place in/on you--no one can--and if you're like the rest of us you will always underestimate that value.
Bear in mind as well that, as a survivor of abuse, you've received a massive dose of negative programming ('brainwashing') from your abuser(s). Intellectually you know that everything they told you was designed to enslave you in some fashion, but you have to know it in your heart. When you realize your worth independently of what people think of you, you will have begun to recover from and transcend that abuse. You won't need others to affirm what you will eventually know yourself: that you are a loved, valuable, decent human being fully worthy of getting in return whatever of yourself you put out. Eventually, you'll discover that you get far, far MORE in return than what you put out.
Translation: to be loved you have to love--starting with yourself and without reservation or expectation of return.
I like this. A lot.
Trust is like gambling: never bet more than you can afford to lose.
N, thank you so much for thisthoughtful reply. I often think how could a guy NOT think less of me when he learns I have car anxiety, and traveling, and I avoid certain situations :( Then I think they'd surely just ditch me soon so I decline any guy who has asked me out, for pure fear. And sometimes that fear was crippling, I'd think , 'who do I think I am?' to think a guy would like/love or want to be w/me. It is directly from that brainwashing as you said- it was literally like a slave camp every day growing up, and while I can see it now, it is SO hard to stop that foundation in my mind of thinking I'm less than everyone else. Thank you for saing that we underestimate the value we THINK others give us.. I really liked that.. ty again for taking time to reply... Have a great eve.
To be honest, I don't think I deserve anything.
NOT truth.. not even a little. If you are a human being and alive you deserve life, love, freedom, happiness...you don't deserve Less than that.... I once read by Eckhart Tolle , 'I cannot 'have' a life, I Am life'. :) Huggg
"Don't over analyze yourself" This. This is exactly what I do everyday; and it causes lots of anxiety.. so much that I'd generalize it for years now as a slight anxiety disorder. I was analyzed, probed, bullied, criticized, degraded nearly every day, by a parent and could not find the mental equilibrium to find balance and peace- so I still think of myself as low/weak- and I don't want to overanalyze me anymore... I don't even date at all, ever, b/c of it, and I'm sad that I"m in my 30's and missing out on love/affection, and some parts of normal life in general... I have to rem. what you said here, ty so much.
My fear has been crippling- as in I'd feel tense, stress pains and very nervous, even thinking of dating a guy.... the ones who asked me out ( a few ) were very confident and even a bit loud/forward. No their reaction was not the priority as I simply could not and was not ready in any way to accept love or dating...do I care about guys ..YES that is why I said no, b/c half the time I don't even go out w/friends hiking or to variou splaces b/c of anxiety. So I often think who will want to love/be with me if I have anxiety? but ty for saying he's out there, and that its also a two way street- I only think of my shortcomings, but ppl say, don't put any guy or person on a pedestal.. it is easy to say but hard to do .. ty again
