Well I'm not a doctor but my diagnose is that you played with a Slinky too much when you were a child. The repetitive back and forth motion of a Slinky could cause the un developed eye mussels and facial features of a child to stretch to the left and right. It's sort of like the opposite of that movie the Jerk were a stationary bar in the middle of a pair of glasses caused a persons eyes to cross. Cheers!