Discussion » Questions » Relationships » You're on a dating site and it matches you with your former significant other's good friend. What do you do?
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You're on a dating site and it matches you with your former significant other's good friend. What do you do?

Pretend you didn't see him/ her?
Send a friendly hello with the hopes of avoiding awkwardness?
Pursue him/ her because they're a good match?
Something else? (Please explain.)

Posted - January 31, 2019
Tags : None

Responses


  • 53485

      Dual answer:

    My very first thought is, "Oh, it's ON!" 







    But then I chill, remembering that I don't know what kinds of things my ex ever told her.  Steer clear. 

    ~
      January 31, 2019 9:39 PM MST
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  • 268
    This is probably a stupid question but what is a former SO?
      February 1, 2019 1:07 AM MST
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  • 7939
    Former significant other.
    It's not a stupid question. I don't know a whole lot of internet shorthand, myself. I usually avoid using it to make sure people can follow what I'm saying. 
      February 1, 2019 2:09 AM MST
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  • 268
    Ahh of course! I was trying to come up with a label to fit those letters but for some reason all I could think of was "a former Scintillating Obstetrician".

    Okay my answer then is I would probably just pretend I didn't see them, since the situation is either A.) My former SO and I did not end things on good terms, in which case I wouldn't want to get involved with any part of their lives again, or B.) We did end on good terms, in which case I wouldn't want to cause them discomfort.
      February 1, 2019 3:58 AM MST
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  • 1305
    LOL!! You weren't alone!
      February 1, 2019 12:28 PM MST
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  • 7939
    Eek! Ok, I've edited it.
      February 1, 2019 2:13 PM MST
    1

  • If I'm on a dating site, then I'm looking to be in a relationship. And if I get matched with my former SO's friend, it is possible that he would be matched with me and recognise me. I don't see any reason to play hide and seek. I would go ahead. 
      February 1, 2019 1:57 AM MST
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  • 7939
    Go ahead in what sense? You would date the friend? Or you would just say hello?

    This actually happened to me tonight. I was mortified. But, at the same time, I knew I was in that guy's feed as a match too. There was absolutely no chance he wouldn't see me too. He's not a bad guy and I'm not surprised it matched us because we are similar, but I can't fathom dating one of my ex's friends. It just seems cruel. Off limits. I've never even looked at him that way. I also doubt he's ever looked at me that way. So, I tried to reduce the awkwardness by saying hello and wishing him luck in his search. I don't know if that just made it more awkward though. :/ 

    Something similar happened the last time I went on a dating site, only that time I was matched up with the guy I had just broken up with. I'm friends with him now, but in the immediate aftermath of the breakup, it was really uncomfortable seeing him there. Now, we both laugh about it though.

    I live in a city with half-a-million people. There are nearly five million people in my city and the surrounding areas. I think it's really weird that I'd wind up running into people I know. 
      February 1, 2019 2:19 AM MST
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  • 268
    oh whoops, I didn't see this part. Well if they saw and/or were matched with you too then yeah, you might as well have said hi. It sounds like it was going to be awkward no matter what you did!
      February 1, 2019 4:03 AM MST
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  • 7939
    Still laughing at "a former Scintillating Obstetrician." lol

    Yeah... to further complicate things, I'm about 99% certain he hasn't mentioned the breakup to any of his friends or family and he and I are still friends. So, getting matched with the friend... ugh. There was no good outcome to that. I'm certain the friend didn't know about the ending of the relationship, and I figured if the friend saw me on there (which he inevitably would because we were matched), chances are he'd go say something to my ex thinking I was cheating or something. At the same time, I also know the breakup was painful to my ex. Hearing I'm dating again would not sit well with him. So, I was kind of doing a preemptive strike to minimize the collateral damage. But, now I'm worried that, because I did write to him and wish him luck in his search, he's going to think I was expressing interest in him. *face palm* There is no win here. lol
      February 1, 2019 11:29 AM MST
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  • Go ahead in what sense? Well, to begin with I'll say hello, and see how it goes from there. I don't see any awkwardness because the past is past, and I don't see how it would be any of his business who I pair up with subsequent to our breakdown. 
      February 1, 2019 4:19 AM MST
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  • 6098
    I have talked to and know people for whom that is a significant moral issue - you don't date friend's exes and you don't date exes of friends!   But always seemed to me in so doing we might turn our backs on what potentially could be a lot of happiness and love.  We can moral ourselves right out of the happiness if we work hard enough at it.  We have relationships and they break up - that is a practical reality.  Once broken up do our responsibilities to our ex continue the rest of our life?  I think no.  

    Weird sometimes how friends relate to our break-ups.  When together with a former boyfriend we used to be frequent guest in the home of this couple and the wife was very friendly and cordial to my boyfriend and even at times flirty. But when we broke up she came out with a litany of all kinds of bad things about him.  Which maybe she thought I wanted to hear but I did not. Made me wonder OK what did she really think of him?  Which was true? 
      February 1, 2019 5:45 AM MST
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  • 6098
    If you have broken up I think its OK.  Dating site or no dating site.  And it is really natural since you probably already know one another a little or maybe a lot.  Unless people get possessive or jealous or try to one-up it would not be awkward.  Its just like OK she used to be with me and now she is with him.  If you are friends then theoretically you want the best happiness for your each other.  I know of men even asking their friend's permission to date their ex.  Very gallant and gentlemanly.  When I have been with the friends of exes it was either apart from their friendship or when it was not sometimes they would make little jokes about it. 

    As far as pursuing I have never really done that.  I guess because I was never very confident in my ability to do that. So it has been mostly I get together with someone who likes me and it either works or it does not. 
      February 1, 2019 5:31 AM MST
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  • 7939
    Does your answer differ if the previous relationship was a casual or serious one?
      February 1, 2019 11:20 AM MST
    1

  • I would ignore that person.  That's often a "can of worms" you don't want to reopen.  But, I guess it would all depend on the circumstances of your break up too.  
      February 1, 2019 5:45 AM MST
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  • 1812
    Remember there are more than 3.5 billion other women in the world and cancel my subscription. 
      February 1, 2019 6:08 AM MST
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  • Meh, I’d do him...someone has to take the low road here;)
      February 1, 2019 9:39 AM MST
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  • 53485

      I know, right?


    ~
      February 1, 2019 10:06 PM MST
    1

  • Oh yeah :)
      February 2, 2019 10:12 AM MST
    1

  • Go for it.  I wouldn't be on a dating site, but if I were in the pretend world, it would be to hook up with a match. At least there would be something to talk about.
      February 1, 2019 9:41 AM MST
    3

  • 46117
    Well, it depends on a lot.

    Mostly what you and he have in common.  It would not hurt to talk it out.  No promises.  No nothing.  Just checking out a potential friendship.
      February 1, 2019 11:22 AM MST
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  • 7789
    I ride off into the sunset. BY MY SELF!!!
      February 1, 2019 11:25 AM MST
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  • 53485

      Ride 'em, Cowboy!


    ~
      February 1, 2019 10:16 PM MST
    1

  • If I was also a friend of this person I'd say hi and probably even have to mess with them a little simply because it might be a little funny and awkward wrapped all into one.  Otherwise I imagine I would ignore them.  Unless I was trying to get back at the ex. 
      February 1, 2019 12:32 PM MST
    2