Discussion»Questions»Relationships» Why do women of independent means continue to remain in relationships where they are victims of violence perpetrated by their partners?
A lot of reasons and none of those reasons are good. I think sometimes one of the reasons is because their friends and or neighbours turned a blind eye or figured it was none of their business so they did nothing to help. Cheers!
Lack of self esteem, self confidence. Many times the abusive men intimidate them, make them feel like the women are no good without them, just chipping away at their self-esteem. Sometimes the women came from abusive households themselves. I have seen it happen to my best friend, some of my family members, and it doesn't matter what other people tell them. My best friend was very successful, and she didn't need her ex husband's salary, but she "needed" to be in a relationship, she needed to feel "loved". As a result, she continuously chose the wrong men. No amount of financial independence can buy self esteem. In the beginning, when they were first dating, she mistook his possessiveness for love. She used to almost brag about his possessiveness as if it was a wonderful trait, and I should feel envious of that. Her twisted way of thinking was something even I as her best friend for many years could not 'fix'.
This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at February 6, 2019 1:37 AM MST
All of us learn what relationships are supposed to be like from our earliest relationships. We learn how to engage with people based on how we engaged with our parents. That sets our internal radar for normalcy.
It's not about stupidity and it's not necessarily about self-esteem either. Women who accept these situations either don't understand the role they're playing in them or they think that they can save the person. It's what they're programmed to do.
I could write volumes on this, but it's probably easier just to tell you to look up co-dependency if you want more info.
Goodness hope I have not engaged in relationships the way I engaged with my parents! Not sure how "normal" they were. Or lets say I was happy to discover there were other more congenial forms of normalcy for me.
I don't know anyone like that but could venture some guesses. Low self-esteem so they feel worthless and have no sense they could be happier out of that. They feel because they somehow "deserve: such treatment for their supposed personal failings. They view themselves as "loving" their abuser. To keep a family together in which they find their security. Insensitivity which needs drama and violence for them to feel. Also could be brainwashing by their abuser - "you think this is bad you should see what life is really like in the real world".
My mother was one such. Despite having a considerable inheritance, she had zero confidence in her ability to manage it. She was raised as an only child by an alcoholic and abusive mother (her father died six weeks before she was born.) Being abused was so familiar that she had no way of knowing how to recognise or achieve a healthy relationship. Without blaming her, because it was not her fault, she a way of behaving like a mosquito which tended to eventually drive just about anybody mad. Psychologists cal it a scapegoat personality. She had zero self-esteem and did not believe she deserved any better.
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