Do you have things in your life that you keep hidden or are you an open book? Which is worse, the secrecy or the discovery?

Back when I was in therapy, my psychologist had a saying, "a person is only as sick as their secrets."

I tend to agree with this notion in many respects.
For instance, the usual reason for hiding something is that one has done something wrong -
maybe just mildly unethical and against one's own values -
but it could be anything all the way up to a serious crime or knowledge of someone else's crimes _
and its possible there could be heavy consequences if it were found out.

Now for a normally sane person, that kind of stuff weighs on the conscience.
It can become an intolerable burden and a source of depression - or of anxiety and fear of being caught.

Or we've been the victim of a crime - say incest, child abuse or neglect, etc.
When that happens, the perpetrator is careful to ensure the child keeps the secret.
He (only 1 in a 100 is a woman) teaches the child that what happens is the child's fault.
The child feels excruciating shame and humiliation and so keeps the secret.
As an adult, it's likely to lead to low self-esteem, chronic depression, drug abuse, boundary issues, and a disproportionately high suicide rate.
Unless he or she is lucky enough to get into therapy.

Or terrible things are going on within the privacy of a family.
The parents impose secrecy because they don't want officials coming in to break things up.
Or the secrets are further back in the grandparents' generation - but the effects are still just as toxic on their offspring.
They call it skeletons in the closet.
We may not know the secrets, but their effects on our parents are affecting us.
It could be a history of psychosis, illegal immigration, drug addiction, some diseases - anything.

Whatever it is, it's healthier to tell the secret in confidence to an appropriate professional
like a psychologist with whom one feels instant rapport in the first session.
They can help to sort things out.
The first thing they can do is help with the toxic effects of shame.
We might need to make amends,
or confront an abuser.
If we've been abused, it's an immensely liberating discovery to learn that it was never our fault.

Then there are other secrets - good ones 
- the birthday present we are hiding under the bed to give our belovéd
- the baby in the belly that won't be announced until 3 months
- you won Lotto and now you can practise anonymous donations to your heart's content
- information that protects the well-being of another.

While honesty is generally the best policy in most things, no rule is absolute.
A part of emotional intelligence is recognising moral ambiguities, dilemmas, and knowing how to prioritise in a way that causes the greatest good and the least harm for all concerned.

Regardless of the type of secret we might have, it's better to find an appropriate person to tell
so we can work it through, make amends, hold offenders to account,
and learn how to love ourselves and others.
That's the wonderful secret of recovery, maturing, and the path towards wisdom.

This post was edited by inky at July 1, 2019 1:21 PM MDT