Most of my old issues - the ones from childhood and the past are resolved. I've put a lot of effort into working on them. I still have a few tendencies, reactive patterns and habits. Mostly I deal with them as they arise. The main technique is just to be aware, not act on them, and allow the feeling to pass - which it always does.
I rarely feel emotionally wounded or hurt in the present. If it does come up, I usually aim to talk it through with the person involved. Before I do this, I need to prepare - to get clear on: - exactly what I observed, just the bare facts with no interpretations, thoughts or emotions - exactly what I feel. Pure emotion, sadness, anxiety, shame etc. - what I think. How have I interpreted what was said or done? Have I been blaming, criticising or judging the other? Are there other possible interpretations. How does the other person see the issue from their point of view? What are their needs? - what do I need? How does what happened affect me? What are the results? - If I need to make a request of the other, what is my plan B? What can I do to meet my own needs if they say no? - Am I ready to listen quietly and with full attention and empathy to their point of view?
When I've got through all that, I'm ready to discuss it with the other. Most times the results are good.
Occasionally I find I have to walk away from the situation or the person - permanently. It might hurt for a while - the sense of loss - but I'm fairly emotionally independent and I have a good support circle of friends. I recover and learn from the experience.
It's true that some issues just fade away if we pay them no heed. Others are too small - have no serious consequences. Then there's the ones that really must be handled or things will snowball into disasters. I just hope I recognise which is which.
Most of the time, yes. Sometimes I lack some tidbit of basic knowledge - and don't know what's missing so fail to ask the right questions. Small practical things. For instance, I used a 316 stainless steel D shackle on the horse float - thinking it would last longer by not rusting up. What I didn't know at the time was that if 316 comes in contact with ordinary steel (the safety chains & and the chassis) an electrolytic process slowly removes the rust-proof quality of the alloy. Potential risk - a non-functioning break-away system, danger to horses and traffic in the event of an accident. So something very small could become a cause of profound grief and remorse.
I leave the ones I have no control over fade into obscurity ,people say/do nasty things and just sit there waiting for a quick response through anger, ...it's quite belittling to get no response when the've put so much input into being hurtfull..... I bide my time and have quite a long memory concerning certain things...
Correct...you can't have a row with any one who agrees with you...it's just impossible..it's why "Talk to the hand " is so credible and confusing for a brainless person...:)
I used to drink. Then it made me sick. Then I decided to quit and got help. When I got help, I got all sorts of tools to learn to work out my unresolved issues.
Try the 12 Steps. You don't have to have a drinking problem. It gets to the root of everything. Every Problem. Admit you have a problem, realize you are not the answer and the EGO will get you nowhere and give it up to a higher power than your own mind. Give it to a group if you don't believe in God. God is in that group. MAKE SURE you know what group you are choosing. Don't just pick some yokels. Pick a group you respect that has results you respect.
Then go to the group and do the work. It is like exercising. To get results you have to do the work.
Element 99 