[~]
Oh, so you’re one of those Anti-Youth types, I see. Wait right here: I’m going to call my attorney. Grrrrrrr.
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Hold on, hold on, hold on, wait a second! Don’t show them to me, whatever you do, please don’t open your shirt! And NO, I definitely do not want to feel them!
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Wait, what about them?
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They’re allowed on your lawn? If so, I’ll bet it’s a precursor to being invited inside the house. Do you do that one at a time, in twos and threes, as a whole group? You wouldn’t happen to have a sub-basement in your place, would you? Are any of them ever heard from again after the invite?
There are so many things that inquiring minds want to know.
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Wait, what? You say they each mentioned me specifically by name? I can assure you that I don’t know any of them. Well, that is to say that I might know one or two of them, but I don’t know any of them intimately. Ok, maybe a certain type of quasi-intimacy, but not all the way to carnal knowledge or anything like that. Is that natural red hair or a dye job? Because I seem to recall a redhead from quite some time ago, but I don’t think she was pregnant back then. So she’s a possible, but not confirmed. She showed you that she has my name tattooed on her body? Oh. Just a second, I do seem to remember visiting her a few times, yes, yes. Ok, she and I know each other, but like I said a moment ago, the others are not familiar to me in any way, shape, or form. Except for two of them, the one over there and the one next to her. No, not her, the other one, the one with stripes on her shirt and wearing jeans. Hold on, I think I recognize one of the other ones, but I can’t be sure, and admittedly, it was several months ago. There have been so many since then that I can’t keep track. Give me some credit here, I meet a lot of people. How’s that, a necklace, you say? What about the necklace? Its links spell out my name, date of birth, place of birth? She says I gave it to her personally? Right, right, right, right! I remember her now, that necklace was for my appreciation at how well she makes PB&J sandwiches. Ok, I know her, yes. Oh, all of them say they’re 100% sure I’m the guy and they all have proof? Hmmmm, this is sticky. Let me take a closer look them. Ok, let’s put it this way: I know all of them, but I didn’t have anything to do with them getting pregnant.
(Wow, you know what? Actually, I’m surprised there are only five of them . . . )
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This might be a bit more tolerable:
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That never happens to you, right? If so, don’t worry. I spend enough time lurking in the shrubbery around your place and peeping in your windows that if a stalker ever shows up to harass you, I’ll be there to protect you and to call the police.
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That is so nice of you, I truly, truly appreciate it. Wheat bread only, slightly toasted, and don’t cut the sandwiches in half, please. Now why can’t all of my of victims romantic prospects be as accommodating as you are? Would you please speak with your counterpart who lives in Minneapolis and give her a few pointers on how to be more like you? All she seems to know is slamming doors on my foot, using pepper spray on me, and filing restraining orders. Let her know you’re far ahead of her in the Keeping Randy Happy department, and that she’s in danger of losing me forever to you. (But do it gently: she’s the jealous type.) Thanks!
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That’s situational. When it’s in my favor, I want you to do it, when it’s not in my favor, I don’t want you to do it. I thought you knew that that’s how I operate on anything and everything.
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Shuhak 