Continue relationship with cousin who does not seem interested?

Ty R... I just know their parents, are very judgemental.. my grandmother hints oh why don't you go see (my cousin) b/c they are home for break now.. ? and I know it is not her saying it... she does NOT care whether I see them, she rarely talks at all, it is her son most likely asking why I don't see my cousins- then I feel badly, yet he really has no idea they do not ask about me ever.. do not ever initiate seeing me. :/ Its hard to say, who cares ANY more what they think, when it is family.... but I have to think that way I think .... ty again

Wow, it sure seems as if there are a lot of family members involved here who don't communicate well, directly, or honestly with each other.

:[

I come from the same sort of family and if you take it on, you will never feel well inside.  It's sad, but there are many people that cannot live their lives without wanting to make others feel bad.  

Life is too short.  It's not easy, but cutting out toxic people is very liberating and necessary, even if it's family.

exactly P...family in my case does not feel that way at all..a few are ver y disagreeable and dont evet initiate being with or talking to me.. Then complain they dont see me???? my own mother is also cruel and is someone im trying to cut tied with.. Fot good or many years...with my cousins i feel bad that i have not visited their college but on other hand they really show no inyerest in me....ugh how i wish we coulld all have families that cared as much as we have ????ThNk you so much for your thoughts today P

Beautifully stated!

Thanks V :) That was so special, the note about our hearts having three billion heartbeats, and to spend it seeking what I enjoy .. :) That meant a lot, b/c often I'm trying to please someone ELSE. It has been that way since a small child even, trying to give, or please another  .. I was abused in a chaotic household weekly, for years, and felt, I guess I must be 'bad'... now as an adult it seems the more I have given, whether physical things or emotion to ppl, the less they actually cared!! It hurts a lot- b/c people think 'nice' might mean less, and now I know that is far from the truth, I'm not less, in any way- most don't take ANY time to get back to people , show them real concern etc.  That's how I feel with my cousins, or even my friends.. if you are not showy, or have $$, they don't care.. :/ Well thank you again for your GREAT response :)

The hurt is very real and that comes from the chaos we grew up with.  I always needed to "fix" the "broken" and that really clouded my ability to pick and choose healthy people into my adulthood.  

We are decent caring people that simply need to walk away sometimes.  It doesn't mean we don't love them.  If you put your effort out there, then you did more than called for.  Once you realize WHY you put your efforts into those that can't or won't give back, you have a better chance at learning you have more control than you thought over your own happiness.

Many times the ppl who give the most are the ones who are hurt the most. But you need to give yourself a break and not feel guilt.  It took me years to be able to do for me without feeling guilty about NOT doing for others.  In the end it will bring you more satisfaction doing for those who appreciate your kindness. 

Love that last paragraph Virginia.  I too need to remember this.

Great answer Virginia. That is pretty much what I do these days.
Most of us take different directions when we get older and live different lives and it doesn't mean we have any less love for those we no longer have much contact with. We just have moved on with our own lives.

So true! 

I really like your observation, LuluMom...for me it dates back to the 1980's when I came upon a comment attributed to Albert Einstein, he spoke of the need to move on with his own life, releasing others at the point when we become constrained, rather than enhanced, by a relationship.

I thought Baybreeze's Q was one of those wonderful thoughtful, poignant struggles that we all encounter as humankind, and we can help each other find our own unique way forward...part of the beauty of the Internet.

I just recently discovered that the death of one's parent(s) do not always bring siblings together.  If anything, a lot of truths come out and you realize they were only there because of the parents.

Oh, how right you are on that one PeaPod!  

Sure knocked me for a loop.  

Thank you Harry- for such a caring reply. I think it is best I don't take it personally, thank you for that. I just always equate when I don't hear from someone, ever, they don't really care for me. :/ But, in this case, it might be true, they are teenagers and might not have the same view I had then. The weird thing is , I can relate to anything they've said to me, and I always joke with them and share some of their views when we've chatted/hung out... I just think their minds are geared to JUST people their age at this piont; they are very into  appearances too, and I am SO not that type. So that could be the glitch.. ty so much again for saying I can let it go, but maybe send a card here or there -  HuGGG

You actually hit the nail on the head.  At the moment, they are geared to JUST people their own age and to the superficial (appearances).  They aren't thinking about the impact they are having on anyone who isn't in their life on a daily basis.  It's a very selfish time in a young person's life.  There is a mixture of excitement and insecurity when a child moves into a dorm.  It's the first time they are on their own and they don't know anyone.  Since everyone is in the same boat, they gravitate toward each other for support.   They also have the pressure of classes, exams, & keeping up their GPA.  It doesn't enter their minds that family and friends back home are hurt if they don't find the time for them now.  It really is a maturity thing.  Keep your chin up kiddo.

There are two "pillars" upon which self esteem is based:...1) you have value just because you exist and 2) you have value because you have something to offer others...

In your post to Virginia above, you say, "I was abused in a chaotic household weekly, for years, and felt, I guess I must be 'bad'..."....I suspect your were in fact raised in an environment that left you with some serious doubts about your personal worth and value....

Your Child's Self Esteem by Dorothy Corkhille Briggs contains the concept of self esteem "pillars."....The book Boundaries and the concept of "how to avoid emotional boundaries" may also be of interest to you....

And I agree, Virginia's advice is the best for dealing with the present and keeping future options open....

Regards...

The only thing Glis, is this has been going on for the years leading 'up' to going off to college too.. they do not seem at all interested in me as a person and never ask about me.. I'd think did I ever ask about my older friend/fam. member at that age? Yes I did lol.. I'd always ask my other cousin 6 yrs. older, how's work, what do you like on weekends etc.. ? I get zero... but it's fine, they are young, just now entereing college, but the question is do I go visit? Knowing they could care less honestly about me or what I do... they did not personally say either, oh you should come over. etc... and then I feel judged by their parents if I don't constantly engage in their lives. That's another strain, is their parents (my uncle/aunt) ... if I don't initiate seeing them they NEVER do w/me :( They never text me , email, anything.. then say , "oh why don't you visit?" Because I am the ONLY one doing it!!! For years. Anyway, I'm sorry.. ty so much for your advice and I am starting to take their actions less personally reading posts today.. Ty for your time  :)