Yea there's a real difference between constructive and just plain destructive. People are complex... it's very hard always to have *pure* motives when offering criticism.... often we think we are being constructive... but sometimes really we are just deluding ourselves...
Now me, for instance, I am often telling people things they don't want to hear because I truly want to help them become better people, to learn and adjust - lol needless to say it almost never goes down well with the recipient of said constructive feedback but that doesn't change the fact that mostly it's well intentioned.
It usually starts with "You know what you should do??.... I hate that aimed at me and usually respond by rudely saying "I should tell you not to tell me what I should do.". I have made that clear to my busybody sisters.
YES ; I hate when ppl say, 'you should...' in a somewhat patronizing tone. My friends have done that on occasion with me. It's like I don't tell you what YOU should 'do'... that is something you will find or know and I won't act like 'I' know , and you don't. ughhhhhh. My 'mom' would say 'You need to just... get over it, deal with it, shut up about it, 'etc. over any single thing I ever had trouble with in life. Wow, GREAT- so ignore all the crap that ppl give to me and act like a robot my whole life, with no sense of self , thanks... yes so 'constructive'..
Because it's the right thing to do... because ultimately it will help them...because it's the truth, because I want to help them.. because I care about human beings and humanity, I want people to be happy, and mainly because while most are not yet at the level where they are ready to accept, some are.. and in personal life it works.. that it works less well online is only to be expected as we have less influence and connection and investment in relationships online.. I do hope to reassure you, what I do is not telling people what to do.. and it's not done arrogantly.. it's done with pure intent and because people come to me needing help... so please don't get the wrong idea here... When we seek help we are not always ready to receive it or to accept... but it can be the catalyst that starts that journey to readiness.. Nothing is ever lost
I should add that often people engage in patterns of behaviour that are self destructive or counter-productive to their aims and desires...learning to see and accept and then face and change that behaviour is key to becoming happy well rounded people who can achieve what they really want... many go about achieving what they want in ways that mean they wont ever achieve it and which actually lock them in negative patterns of self-repeating behaviour...
Yes Element, I think 'constructive criticism' definitely CAN be frankly, destructive. I think if it is something like, 'Oh you might want to rephrase that line for the debate/presentation' , that is valid, and simply an observance. It does not go into 'YOU' as a person.... I for sure know someone who gave me 'cc'... my mom. I use that word VERY loosely (mom). She'd yell , berate me, scream, criticize, and mock me, for years, and I felt less all the time than anyone else, and still do :/ She'd say, 'Oh whatever, i'm giving constructive criticism'... Yeah, Bull CRAP , it was abusive and awful. No one should have to deal with that , I'm sorry you had to as well.
YES :( Exactly. Anytime i say ANYthing to her, even minor, she literally blows up.. major anger/rage and police have been called on her. One day she lied to me, and I said "I do not like liars" when she has done it so much to me ... :( she threatened 'shut up now' and started screaming, and said I'm calling the police, and did... she called the police on me for saying that she was a liar and twisted around everything I have ever done to make me look awful... my self esteem in the balance for years :/ Ty for replying Yoga.. her 'criticism' left me downtrodden with much anxiety over so many things, I don't even date b/c of me thinking inside I'm somehow tainted or bad :/ have a great weekend Yoga.
Yes, my ex was real good with the "you know what you should do" or "it would be easier if you did it this way" didn't matter what it was, nothing I did was ever right.
This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at February 25, 2017 3:41 PM MST
Benedict Arnold 