Discussion » Questions » answerMug Members » Why ask, right? Who let the creeps in?
Benedict Arnold

Why ask, right? Who let the creeps in?

Do you, as the most natural thing send naked pictures of yourself masturbating to other members that you had no prior interaction with?

What harm, right? Why ask, or respect if they are consenting adults? Why respect their wishes for staying a part of this community, without blocking their private chat feature? It's only online, right? All that maters is their pleasure, and not if it's disturbing for that someone who happened to be online as the urge raised (no pun intended)? Why even consider if a lesbian is interested in seeing a d*ck? It's just another chick, right?

This was a first. I had almost forgotten all about that species, the Neanderthal man existed. I met plenty of them at EP, and ended up blocking all strangers any access in communication with my profile. I truly hope this is just this one, and not a wave of creeps coming our way. Such a disgusting message. Sorry. Rant is over.

Posted - February 28, 2017
Tags : Creepy Explicit

Responses


  • 7939
    This is already out here, so I'll roll with it...

    1) I removed the member's name anywhere it appeared here, and I'd appreciate it if we avoided saying it publicly again.

    2) This is a very odd situation- this doesn't happen here. I don't think I've ever heard of someone using the chat that way. I have heard of people being... umm... perhaps overly amorous with others, but not in quite such a graphic way. And, it's usually new members, who I'll remove right away if they come here and start it. With our established Muggers, it has historically been cases of bad judgement- they misread the signs someone was giving off and were pretty mortified to find out the feelings weren't mutual and that a mod was brought into it. So, with all the cases we've had, it was either an obvious swift removal or clear the person was going to be much more careful in the future. 

    3) In the recent issue, I'm aware that of several women who were targeted last night. The member is a long-term member who does not have any kind of history of reprimands. By these standards, that would then make them subject to our normal policies. i.e. A warning first and then suspension if it occurs again.

    4) Because this has never happened before, and we're referring to an established member, I am considering changing our policies to address future cases. If you guys want a policy that's zero tolerance, I may implement one. My fear, however, is that it would affect people who believed they were getting "go signals" from someone... Hmm... I guess there's no way to explain this, other than to outright say it, but this kind of thing is really common and is mutual 99.999% of the time. I would sincerely hate to remove someone for misreading a signal. If it's a one-off thing where someone is already mortified that it wasn't well received, booting them is irrelevant- they're not going to do it again.

    5) This was not a case of misreading signals, though... that much is obvious, but we don't have differing policies and I do not have the ability to shut off one person's chat. I can block someone from a chat room, but I can't shut off their one-on-one chats. The only way to do that is to suspend them from the site as a whole. You guys do have the ability to block specific people on chat, though. I'll have to talk to the dev to see if it's possible to have a mod feature added for me that will allow me to shut off chat, versus doing a site suspension.

    6) If you guys want to pick apart the potential consequences for this, you're more than welcomed to. The more I think about it, the more I feel like following the standard protocol is right, but I'm open to ideas. I find it doubtful that this will be relevant anytime soon again- we've gone years without it happening, but I don't see any harm in discussing potential consequences for future issues, provided it can be done respectfully, without mentioning any members by name.
      February 28, 2017 9:34 AM MST
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  • 17261
    I fully understand the dilemma. I'm not objective on this one. The longer the day goes, the more I feel violated. I even started having wrong thoughts, if I might be too sexual and flirty in my appearance here at answerMug. If I some way could have encouraged the creep (sorry, I can't see him in any other way) to address me in such sexual explicit manner as he did, not only once but twice with seconds between. At no point looking for my approval, not showing any remorse when told wrong about his behavior. I should not feel like that, I should be able to be myself as I am, and still be able to expect respect by other members. Heck, to be as direct as you JA, if someone wants to have sexual chats the least they could do first would be to ask, and next respect a no if given. Not to send such sexual explicit material without doing any of this. He might even had a rush doing so. Ugh.

    I get there can be examples with misunderstandings, but someone approaching several women within short time, none of who ha had any prior contact with, sending such sexual explicit material, it shows me it isn't a coincidence nor misunderstanding. Luckily I can see I'm only a target as others were. Seems not being our presence here, any other than being online at the wrong time, and being a woman that's our crime. Cases as clear as with this creep, should be booted without any further notice. He has to make a hell of a defense speak to make me feel any other way than zero tolerance. There is no misunderstandings here. He did not show us any respect. He made a sexual assault on us with those pics. I haven't befriended him, he is a totally stranger to me, no interaction whatsoever before. I wasn't even given any right to say no before he made his assault on me. 

    Him being a long term member makes it only worse. He should know how to interact on this site, and what the TOS means. He will know he was wrong with his doings. What positive excuses can anyone come up with that can justify, or mitigate his doings? 

    Meh. :-/ This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at March 1, 2017 7:25 PM MST
      February 28, 2017 10:55 AM MST
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  • 7280
    Either a horrible gaffe or perhaps early dementia (although the time frame is unimportant)...Still unacceptable without mutual consent....

    I am aware that you do occasionally come across as "sexual and flirty," but I personally find it not only to be appropriate, but also a celebration of the wonderful difference in our genders....

    I am relatively new here, and I have only used the chat feature a few times---and only with a person I knew on another site---so I am not familiar with all it's features...Is it reasonable and doable to incorporate an "unwanted sexual communication" PANIC BUTTON in the chat feature perhaps so that the proper person would be immediately be able to address the situation? This post was edited by tom jackson at February 28, 2017 10:49 PM MST
      February 28, 2017 11:57 AM MST
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  • 17261
    We can block others from one on one chat. However in this case I wasn't chatting with him. He showed up, sending his ugly thing as first message, next do you like my toy, then another pic rather similar to the first. Meanwhile I was still typing my first reply asking are you a total moron?

    A panic button wouldn't have helped much. Meh. Thank you for the lovely words. This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at March 1, 2017 7:26 PM MST
      February 28, 2017 12:03 PM MST
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  • 7939
    You said "can't block," which I think was a typo... but, for anyone who doesn't know, you can block people in one-on-one chat. It's in the top of the one-on-one chat with them. I think the icon is a circle with a line through it.
      February 28, 2017 12:14 PM MST
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  • 17261
    ED. He keeps telling me I can't when I want to say I can. Oomph!
      February 28, 2017 1:09 PM MST
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  • Hey, go easy with the language, Thomas! When you mention "dementia" everybody's going to think you mean me. Still, you did say "early" dementia so I guess I'm safe. 
      February 28, 2017 3:13 PM MST
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  • 17261
    Lol. You're known as my guardian angel, Didge. How often do i have to remind you? And don't come with that lame excuse of dementia once more. ;-) 
      February 28, 2017 3:17 PM MST
    0

  • 7280
    I am relatively new here, and I have only used the chat feature a few times---and only with a person I knew on another site---so I am not familiar with all it's features...Is it reasonable and doable to incorporate an "unwanted sexual communication" PANIC BUTTON in the chat feature perhaps so that the proper person would be immediately be able to address the situation?
      February 28, 2017 11:59 AM MST
    3

  • 7939
    We're a very small site, run by volunteers who work real full-time jobs outside the Mug. Right now, the only active mods here are me and My2Cents. M2C doesn't manage the chat- she's primarily Q&A. You guys can shoot me a message at any time and I usually respond pretty quickly. During the day, I may pop on every hour or two. This happened at night, so I was asleep. I wouldn't have been available regardless. I keep very odd hours. Sometimes I am online all night and other times I'm MIA for a few hours. One never knows if I'm lurking. This time, I was not.

    We do a lot of checks... as a newcomer, you're probably already aware there's a wait to get in. One of the reasons we have that is to avoid the site becoming a revolving door for troublesome folks. Once they're out, they usually stay out- it's a better environment and requires less moderation because of that. You can also go to a member's profile and report them or, if the content is outside the chat, there are report buttons by each piece of content. In this case, the best thing to do would be to block the member in chat and report him, either by emailing me or using the reporting buttons. SH did email me, so it was the very first thing I saw when I woke up and I addressed it right away.

    This is so incredibly rare that this is the only time this has happened this way in all the years I've been running the site, so I don't think it's a major cause for alarm. It's disappointing, for sure, and I feel bad that it happened even once, but I think it's important to put it in perspective as well.
      February 28, 2017 12:28 PM MST
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  • 7280
    I appreciate all that information about this site...I asked if it was "doable."....I see now that it is not....Thanks
      February 28, 2017 12:31 PM MST
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  • 6124
    JA, what I noticed after the name was posted is that, even though he was a long term member, he never made one public post.  I think that might be a clue as to what his intentions were.  He must have been following the threads and targeted certain female members that he found appealing. He purposefully did it en mass because he expected to be booted off the site. 

    What if the policy was amended to say something to the effect of: no matter how long you have been a member, if you have never made a post on the site and it has been established that your first contact was to send pornographic material to another member, this will result in an immediate ban from the site.
      February 28, 2017 12:37 PM MST
    7

  • 7939
    It wasn't someone with no history at all. It kind of looks like it based on their profile here, but they were active on our old site. If it had been someone with no history, I would have removed their account.
      February 28, 2017 12:53 PM MST
    4

  • 6124
    Ah. Gotcha.  I didn't see the old site.  


      February 28, 2017 1:42 PM MST
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  • Many thanks, JA. It's unusual to have site policy explained so clearly -- on a couple of sites I belonged to this would never have happened. You're very much appreciated.
      February 28, 2017 3:11 PM MST
    4

  • Dear SapphicHeart,

    As I think about it, I realize I may have gotten one of those also...but didn't even see the username, I just closed the chat so quickly, and the person did not return.

    It's actually the second time I have received a sexual chat message in my brief time on aMug, the first one was gracious and accepted my refusal with an apology.

    * * *
    I don't want to receive any sexual overtures at all, it is not what I am here for.
    (I am 72 y/o, give it a rest!)
    I would prefer to be on a site where the mission was very clear and excluded sexual advances toward members...however, no site is perfect so even after yesterday I decided not to leave aMug.

    What I would REALLY like, after those experiences here, is a way I could disable my chat feature altogether...maybe there already is a way, and I just have not learned it yet? This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at March 1, 2017 4:20 AM MST
      February 28, 2017 11:24 AM MST
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  • If you click on "Chat" options, you can change it to Offline or on the bottom, there is a place to manage blocked users. Perhaps that would work for you Virginia.
      February 28, 2017 11:28 AM MST
    5

  • Rooster and Sapphic Heart, I just did it and thank you!
      February 28, 2017 11:35 AM MST
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  • 17261
    You're welcome.
      February 28, 2017 11:36 AM MST
    3

  • You're welcome lady! I sure don't want to see you leaving here. No way! 
      February 28, 2017 11:38 AM MST
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  • 17261
    No way. Good members leaving and creeps like that jerk staying. Not good!
      February 28, 2017 11:40 AM MST
    4

  • 17261
    I have no issue with people being sexual, I'd be hypocritical if I said any different. But you should be able staying here without having to receive any such messages. I feel its way more here than we are aware about but missing reporting makes JA think it's all good. My purpose with my discussion is 1) raise awareness of it happening, and 2) raise awareness among members to report, you're not alone. 

    You can turn off your chat, that won't allow anyone to contact you by one on one chat any longer. This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at March 1, 2017 4:21 AM MST
      February 28, 2017 11:32 AM MST
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  • 17261
    You're not pervie. You don't hide and sneak around assaulting other members in one on one chats. You're openly pervie just like some of the rest of us. Nothing wrong being sexual being as long as we know when, and when not to be it.
      February 28, 2017 1:56 PM MST
    4

  • 17261
    Exactly. I'm sure a lot of us will do our best to help each other keeping this place like that. :-)
      February 28, 2017 3:06 PM MST
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  • 3463
    You have always been a gentleman to me and are very well mannered any time we speak.
    Believe me I know what a pervert is and you are not one.
      February 28, 2017 3:28 PM MST
    3