Discussion»Questions»Human Behavior» Some folks spend a lot of time/effort trying to normalize the abnormal and justify the unjustifiable. Some people buy the lie. Why?
I agree Rosie... it is so sad. :( For instance once my uncle said, when we were debating how dangerous a highway can be and they go WAY too fast, he said, 'well, if everyone is going 85, then that's what you have to do- you have to keep the flow'.. I thought, yes to keep the flow is one thing, if it wasn't some dangerous level. I thought, so just do ANYthing that anyone else is, even if they are going nearly 90? NO . lol. And many people have his dynamic of thinking. I'm grateful for those who use REASON or common sense. then on another hand, my dad wouldnormalize my mother's cruel words and actions for years and years to me, and I still believe I'm less b/c of it :/ He would say, 'oh get over it' even when she would RAGE and say horrible things to me as a small child. I work SO hard now to try to counteract what I thought was completely normal back then; I thought that joy was a FANTASy.. I thought love, and still do, is for Lucky people :/ It is hard each day to try to convince my subconscious that 'I' matter too, that 'I am not tainted by all that abuse and CAN do what others do. So I say do NOT normalize what feels 'off' and wrong. I saw a quote recently that I thought was wonderful... 'Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.' ~Mark Twain. Great questions today Rosie...
First of all thank you for the impassioned sharing of your personal experiences m'dear. I am very honored that you reacted in that way to the question I asked. That is what I hope for always and when I receive it I am grateful. Thank you for the compliments as well. All I can say is GOOD FOR YOU! Just because you experienced such negativity it didn't envelope you and change you/crush you. You fought hard for what you "know" is right and why your dad tried to make the cruel things your mom said to you "OK" I cannot understand. My mom was the one who would say things that hurt me. Not on the scale of what your mom did but still kids are so sensitive and impressionable. My dad never justified it but did try to make me feel less bad. He was not a book-educated kinda guy but he was heart-educated. He'd say "that is just how she is" and told me he was sure she didn't mean to hurt me. He was our rock. I have a younger sister. I used to get the brunt of mom's displeasure. It used to bother me. I thought she loved my sister more. But I came to realize that she simply expected more of me. Maybe because I was the first born? Maybe because I did very well in school and my sister was less bookish and more friendly/outgoing? I don't know. I think my mom did the best she could. At least I hope that if she could have done better she would have. I wish I knew what makes people tick but I don't. Some are unfailingly kind, thoughtful and want to be helpful. Others are the exact opposite. Is that determined at conception? How the DNA comes together? Is that how some of them are taught to be by their parents? I bloom when I'm in the company of the former and shrink/withdraw when I find myself in the company of the latter. Hope to see more of your replies Baybreeze. I bet you can tell I enjoyed our conversation can't you? :)
HI Rosie, I"m so sorry that your mom also made you feel low, and would hurt you :( We barely have any time on this earth, when will parents GET that? Taht kids will have ENOUGH troubles with others out there, who will hurt them, scold them, and why would a parent WANT to do this? I think its a power trip. There is no 'toughen someone up' or make them learn how it is out there, NO. Why spend life like that?? Kids don't learn by being abused and feeling less; they then do less in life, feeling like a failure, or afraid to try things :( I'm sorry your dad said, 'That's just how she is' .. again, No. Why do we always justify someone's rude or brash or critical behavior EVEN if it is a parent???? It is not right nor fair. I'm sure your mom was great in many ways, but she thought being a certain way would help you, when it really didn't. I don't think at all taht people become nice or unkind, at conception: I think it is how we are raised.
Many of my friends had loving, doting parents and they are spoiled; they complain constantly, they think everything should be a certain way, and sometimes are rude too. I'm still friends b/c we have good times too and I see the kind in them as well. I think I ended up being kind/thoughtful because much of my life was fear based and also I was not allowed to ever say what I thought- so I became someone who conformed to others' wishes. It really hurt me:( I am a major people pleaser, as I was taught my wishes or needs did NOT matter and that others were smarter, more this/that... (all those things were untrue, and yet I believed them into adulthood). I am also kind b/c I know how awful it feels to have snarky, belittling comments made to you, so I like others to feel GOOD , to not have that sting. YOU seem so open, kind and wonderful Rosie!! Your questions are so thought provoking :) I really did enjoy our convo too- have a great day !!
Wow Baybreeze! Another wonderful reply! I guess you just can't help being the way you are! Lucky me! Thank you for the thought and care you give to our conversations. That is what makes some of them rise above and beyond good. I do think that's how my mom was raised. I think she had many disappointments and lived through my sister and me. I remember she'd ask me what the color of a boy's eyes were that I was going out with. I could never answer her because I didn't know. It hadn't occurred to me to pay attention. She wanted me to achieve great things in life and I disappointed her. Again she was living through me and some of my decisions did not please her. We are all formed based on so many things. Genes/environment/emotional stability/intellectual ability. Some of us have all it takes to be successful and happy and they are neither. Some of us have less to work with but work our hearts out and achieve everything our heart's desire. So once again "it's complicated". I think being kind, helpful, grateful/appreciative, modest and honest goes a long way to insuring a happy life. It probably sounds naive but anything based on lies is worthless and I think anyone who tells lies is hurting him/herself most of all. Makes no sense to me to live like that! Happy Monday m'dear! :) ((hugs))
Aww thanks Rosie, and all you say here is SO true. I can sense sometimes if a person is decietful/lying, and I just try to stay FAR away from them... I had enough of it with my own mother. I love a quote by Byron Katie... (my fave philosophical author.. look her up!! ) 'You cannot disappoint another human being.' I loved that!!! She is so wise, a genius. Your mom should not have been living through you, just as mine tried. You are YOU in however shape or form it is, and are perfect. You are a great person and I'm lucky too to read all your views and questions.. keep in touch :)
Maybe you can explain to me what she meant Baybreeze. "You cannot disappoint another human being". That is untrue in my experience since I have been disappointed in others and others have been disappointed in me. If she means that how we react is entirely up to us and if we are disappointed that is all on us and not on the source then I say that is true of everything and everyone everywhere all the time. But if we believe that then doesn't that relieve people of any responsibility for their words/actions and places the entire burden of disappointment or any other negative emotion on the recipients? I don't buy that at all. I think we ARE responsible for hurting others and betraying them and disappointing them and cheating them and lying to them. I believe Buddhists believe in acceptance/detachment. That whatever we experience is meant to be and we ought not resist. I don't buy that either! Anyway thank you for your kind reply and Happy Tuesday! :)
catch224U 