What can you do with one eye?

Dispatcher: "And what makes you believe she's spying on you, please?"

Randy D: "Well, because she stalks me, she wants me very badly, and there's no telling what she'll do to me if she ever gets her hands on me!  Can you please get someone over here right away?"

Dispatcher: "Wait a second, wait just one danged second here!  I think I recognize your voice; is this . . . are you RANDY D?"

Randy D: "Why, yes, I am!  H...ho...how did you know that?"

Dispatcher: "Sir, I've taken several of your calls over the years.  Haven't you been warned by law not to call here any more unless it's for a REAL emergency?"

Randy D: "Oh, that?  Please, that was just a misunderstanding.  The people over at the District Attorney's Office got a little excited and overstepped their autho..."

Dispatcher: "I'm getting my supervisor on the line."

Randy D: "Wait, what about my emergency?  I need the police over here!"

Dispatcher: "This is just another one of your delusions, isn't it?"

Randy D: "Delusions?  You don't know what Jane S wants from me, the things she wants to do to me!  Have you seen the looks she gives me, the things she writes online?  I'm willing to bet she's built some kind of weird altar to me inside a closet wall in her house.  This woman is dangerous, she needs to be stopped!"

Dispatcher (mumbling): 'I'll bet she doesn't even know you're alive.'

Randy D: "What was that?"

Dispatcher: "My supervisor will be here in about five minutes.  Like the court order said, it has to be a true emergency in order for you to call it in, sir."

Randy D: "That's exactly what this is!  I have a printout from what she posted online last week saying that I make her world and that she dreams about me!  She even had a handyman work on the peephole in her front door so that it's angled perfectly for her to watch my every move!"

Dispatcher (mumbling again): 'Yeah, right!  If she even knows you, I'll bet she wishes you weren't alive.'

Randy D: "I can't hear you, what did you say?"

Dispatcher (mumbling): 'If she's such a threat to you, why not move?  Pick a foreign country, any country, just so it's far from here.'

Randy D: "Would you believe that she even quit her job to devote herself to following me full time?  Oh, sure, she calls it early retirement, but I know she's really got the jones for me."

Dispatcher: "You're sure it's not the other way around?  Maybe she's the one who needs to be protected from you.  Has she ever filed a complaint against you or requested a temporary protection order against you?"

Randy D: "Gee, you're smart.  She sure has, the latter.  But it was just a ruse.  She wanted to see me so badly that she made up some stuff so that we'd be in the same courtroom. The entire time she couldn't take her eyes off of me."

Dispatcher: "So the truth finally comes out."

Randy D: "I know, right?  So now you see why I need the police."

Dispatcher: "Instead of the boys in blue, why don't I just send over the guys in the white coats?"

Randy D: "Oh, I don't think she's that far gone.  Maybe a Taser-shot will do the trick.  Listen, do you think they'll let me administer it?"

Dispatcher: "Oh, boy, this is actually much worse than I thought."

Randy D: "That's what I've been trying to tell you!  It's worse than anyone thinks.  No one I tell this to understands it at all."

Dispatcher: "Sir, I have real calls that I need to attend to, so I'm going to put you on hold for my supervisor to speak with you."

Randy D: "Sometimes I wonder if she's made a voodoo doll of me or has my name tattooed in some intimate place.

Dispatcher: "I'm putting you on hold."

Randy D: "She's even styling her hair like mine . . . "

~

Say, wait a second. This isn't some sneaky, underhanded way for you to ingratiate yourself to me through my love of correct grammar, is it?  Stay right there; I'm calling 911 again. 
~