It is scary to think that our parents probably did the best they could based on their own upbringings and probably quite limited knowledge.
Unfortunately, many of us need to realize that we were worth much more than the way that our parents treated us---and we need to realize that "the best they could have done" is no excuse for the inadequacy of the job they did as our parents.
And don't forgive them too soon---that can make it much harder to recover from what they did.
Thank you for your points of view. I am not of the opinion that mine did their best or did the best that they could have done: there were so many instances and so many opportunities where better choices could have been made, yet they didn't make them. My mother was ill-equipped to have a child, yet she not only had one anyway, she also went back to the trough five more times after having the first one. Then she kept making poor choices all along the way that had extremely adverse repercussions for her and for us, her children. The men with whom she conceived us were no prizes either.
I am not one to overlook or dismiss poor parenting as a trivial thing or give anyone a pass for being a poor parent. All parents set examples for their children to see, and choosing which of those to emulate and which to shun is not always black and white. Certain sins and/wrong behaviors pass on to the next generation of parents when it's time to raise their own children.
None of what I've written here diminishes the validity of your opinion, I am not saying that you are wrong. I just have a vastly different take on the issue, mainly born from personal experience.
Actually, I don't disagree with your evaluation---my parents were lousy at their job. {In my diary when I was eight, I wrote the phrase, "Where the hell did I get such parents?---they're lice." (Yes I did.) }
This phrase in my answer is the key: "the best they could have done" is no excuse for the inadequacy of the job they did as our parents.
It's a way for me to get around the exhortation to "hate the sin, love the sinner."
Personally, it has allowed me to do both without having to go back and forth between acknowledging their inability / refusal to overcome their own upbringings and not subject me to similar abuse and yet also realize it may have been effectively impossible for them to have done so. (Sort of a less charged way of saying, "They f*cked me over.")
I was specifically and totally determined not to pass on quite a few of the things that were do to me to my children---and if you ask any of them, you will find that they considered me quite successful; and yet, as hard as I tried, fatigue and constant evaluation of what I was doing took a toll on my ability to always do the best thing possible.
So my (realistic) evaluation of my own parental performance (supported by my children, their friends, and a number of others) is that I tried very hard to do a very good job (and I had a lot of counseling over my life) in raising my children and I was quite successful in accomplishing my objective. (And I can't underestimate the contribution of my wife and their mother (the same person).
(This was straight from my heart---so excuse any grammatical errors.)
Thanks---fortunately I did recover from my childhood---I do look upon the phrase with some amusement when I think that's the worst thing I could think to call them---and I have no idea how I cam up with such an epithet.
Of course, there were challenges and at times, I even thought about going back in time and change my life from the beginning. But, all those challenges, shortcomings in my life made me what I am today. If I would change something, then I wouldn't be here, enjoying my sweet lovely magical life.