Anger is always a secondary emotional response, though it flashes so quickly most of us don't notice the first emotion. It comes from how we interpret feelings of fear, shame, or physical pain. Some of these interpretations can be old tape loops, habitual ways of thinking developed over many years.
Personal shame is very uncomfortable for most egos; criticism can cut like a knife twisted in the emotional gut. Many people would rather retaliate than examine their inner self-talk around feelings of shame. Many would rather blame others than honestly examine themselves.
Fear and anger have an instinctive link, to defend/fight against a perceived enemy. The problem comes when the enmity is only imagined; words or actions were misunderstood.
Physical pain and/or fatigue can make us less accurate in our perceptions and highly overreactive.
In me, anger can build in different ways, slow or fast, depending on the nature of the trigger. If it's fast and it overtakes me before I have time to process it, then it will come out as a verbal blast: I may need to apologise and take time out to calm down. If I haven't completely lost my temper, I can do better... voice loud and fast - I say that I'm angry, state what I feel fear, shame or pain about, state my need, make a request. Is the other willing to help meet my need in a specific way? If the answer is no, then I look what I can do to create an independent solution.
Actually all this depends on how important the relationship is and the nature of the problem. With some people, if I find the behaviour intolerable, I'll just cut off and that's the end of it.
This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at December 30, 2017 11:08 AM MST
Anger is a habit. You had to learn when to be angry and how to act in each case. People talk about anger control, but all that is necessary is to learn a new habit.
Example: Would you be angry if I called you a brother-in-law? There are societies where a man will kill you for saying that. That is what they teach the boys in that society, and not in this one.
Benedict Arnold 