Discussion»Questions»Family» Can you think of a humane method for the disposal of an In-Law other than tossing them into the air hoping they don't come back?
Would it really be all that inhumane to just have Ms. Baylock give her a gentle loving push through a window? I mean it would all be over so quickly. Isn't there a word for tossing people out of windows?
Perhaps, but she's getting a bit long in the tooth herself. I'm not quite sure the snaggle-toothed hag has the oomph she once had.
What we need is a new chrone to do the deed. Some surly old hag who knows what death looks likebecause she sees it every morning in the mirror. Let me seeeeeeeeeee. Who could we get?
I have never thought of expressing "ignoring" as something you do "really hard." You made me smile. I picture a child "Wishing" really hard on his/her birthday candles. What a great visual. :) :)
I'm sorry to say, I have a feeling gravity will win with your approach. You did say humane, right? Well, taking them to the humane society is out. Let's see. You could go out for a pack of smokes and never come back. Without your money, the mortgage and electrical might run out. They would need to cover all your bills. That might be a slow process but a natural one. You wouldn't have to watch them die. If you want to do it quickly, send them on a trip to France. Part of the excuration is a hot-air balloon ride. Ooops. I think they might have fallen out?! It would be quick. A touch expensive for the two of them but who's counting money when you won't have to deal with them any longer. You could plant a bomb in the car. It is sketchy but can be done and it would be quick. It's better than sabotaging the breaks or making an accident. The car just the vessel. You could set it off away from your house, through your phone. You could take classes in martial arts and learn how to snap their necks? How am I doing so far?? :) :)
My strategy would be to try to cause them to want to stay away.
With the permission of your significant other, you could make yourself unbearably irritating.
For instance, if you act like a goat, you could snatch the map out of their hand and eat it, you could jump on top of their car roof thundering with your hooves and braying, you could playfully head butt them, you could scatter poop in the path ahead of them. ;)
Or you could try the John Cleeze style of excruciatingly unctuous politesse: If you have dogs, make sure you forget to wash them before the in-laws arrive; let their breaths stink of canned dog food; let them be effusively friendly in their greetings; let it appear difficult to shut them away. Give them hello kisses and hugs reeking of stale, raw garlic. (Make sure you ate plenty with salad dressing the previous day.) "May I take your coat and bag? Would you like me to hang it on the verandah, in the hall, in the laundry, or in the upstairs spare bedroom?" "May I get you a drink?" (followed by an interminably long list of options, of which it later turns out, apparently by pure forgetfulness, you have only water) "May I pull the chair out to help you get seated at the table?" (Pull it out way too far, or tuck the chair in a little too tight, or slightly bump the back of the knees.) Make endlessly polite but utterly boring small talk - talk non-stop. Talk about the best ways of dealing with personal bodily matters. If you have physical ailments, talk about them in precise and endless detail. Play smoochy-coo, sweetie-tweety games with your S.O. - enough to make the in-laws feel acutely uncomfortable. Maybe have an embarrassing but trivial row with your S.O. in front of them. Ensure that the food is just slightly unpalatable - too sweet, salty, sour, bitter or hot - no umami. Keep offering them more food. "Are you sure you won't have anymore? Oh, please do! We went to so-oo much trouble to make it!" "This super ripe Gorgonzola is a truly unique experience; you haven't lived till you've tried it. Try this durian - so exotic!" Don't just tell them where the toilet is; escort them there. Make sure the toilet bowl hasn't been cleaned for a few days, and the soap and towels are slightly scungy and clammy. Act shocked. Beg them to wait while you clean it and rush off to get fresh soap and towels. Hover. "Are you sure you're OK?" Just when they've taken the first bite of a delicious desert - someone lets the goats (or dogs) in and they rampage through the living room, eating the roses in the vases and scattering the water and thorny stems across the floor (or the equivalent). As you get up to clean up the mess, the goats charge in and eat the deserts and you apologize profusely. Then you serve them instant coffee and entertain them after dinner with (bad) snapshots of the history of the relationship with your S.O. and an old family album of you as a boy. Keep it up until they're saying they have to leave, and then keep begging them to stay on pretexts. "Oh, please don't go just yet. I forgot, I really wanted to ask your advice about our proposed kitchen upgrade." As they leave, accompany them out to the car, give them lots more of the stale, raw garlic kisses and hugs with effusive thanks for coming and how wonderful it was to see them. As they get it, put your body in the way of the open car door, and keep them talking for as long as possible. Once they finally succeed in leaving, I expect they'll be reluctant to return.
I tried a variation of this trick on an unwelcome suitor many years ago. He was the brother of an old school friend - ultra-conservative, a stock-broker - didn't want to offend my friend by rejecting him, so I helped him to reject me. I upped the feminist rhetoric and made myself appear to be a Shulamith Firestone. He never called back.
This post was edited by inky at October 22, 2018 11:39 PM MDT
Nice Jugs 