That depends on how you define 'better'. I show them how to kiss me the way I want to be kissed, but whether or not anyone else they kiss likes it is immaterial to me. (And no, Randy, I am not going to show you and let you judge).
My husband. He would never shave beforehand so the bristles acted like sandpaper and left me red-raw. He would press way too hard, leaving bruises on my gums, which would cause me to constantly flinch away. He seemed unable to read my body language. It took me years to get up the courage to speak about it. It was an immensely difficult thing to broach because of his ego and it didn't go at all well at first. Eventually, once he accepted me showing him how I liked to be kissed, he acknowledged that he liked and preferred the difference. Then he kept forgetting - which left me wondering why, whether he really preferred the gentler and more sensual feel, and whether I matter to him. He still tends to switch off and go into "automatic" mode, but he now handles reminders with more acceptance. I wish I didn't have to remind him. I still wish I could understand why he goes into dissociative states (in which he is not aware of either his feelings or mine) - but he doesn't understand it himself and so can't tell me what causes it. Theoretically, dissociation is supposed to be triggered by stress of some sort - but when it happens at the start or in the midst of an affectionate exchange, I can't see what the stress could be.
I've often wondered whether a sexologist could help - but the fee for one session is what it costs us for food for a week - unaffordable.
Interesting. Not sure why you think he is dissociating. Most men seem to have things they do which express themselves. Which are for themselves and may not be effective with us. Which serve more to keep them interested. Ideally would be the same things for both of us but mostly not the case because I think in a lot of cases men just go for us because of their responsibility which is not the way they would like to go if it were just about them. So they may do sometimes for us, sometimes for themselves which seems OK to me. Being a gentleman my husband most always does what he knows works with me but then I get the feeling it is all for me and begin to question how much he actually enjoys me. Which is very important for my response especially earlier in lovemaking. Then sometimes when I am tired or not in the mood and tell him to just go for himself he seems to get really into it and moves in an entirely different way and its more brief and violent sort of. Which excites me but is soon over so nothing for me to build on.
By "go for himself" I guess you mean, "do that which he enjoys most" and by "go for me" I guess you mean "do the things he knows turn me on most." With my husband, it's not a matter of what he does but how he does it. He has never liked fantasy of any sort, so it's not a matter of what he's interested in. I know he dissociates because a psychologist identified it during counselling. There is a distinct change in the subtlety of his energy in which I can feel that he is not present with and not aware of what is happening, then he deflates,
and when asked, he has no memory of what just happened.
This post was edited by inky at January 17, 2019 7:16 PM MST
Jane S 