Visit 1, receptionist: Sorry, sir, but the doctor can't see you until you've had lab tests done and the results come in. That takes about two to three days.
Patient: Why wasn't I told I needed lab work when I made this appointment?
Receptionist: I just schedule appointments, I don't know anything about the medical side. That will be $35, please.
Patient: Wait, am I still being charged even though the doctor won't be seeing me?
Receptionist: Yes, sir. The insurance company requires a co-pay whenever an appointment time is set aside for you. Even if you forget your appointment or are a no-show, the co-pay is still required per the agreement with the medical insurance plan.
Patient (reluctantly paying): Grrrrrrrr.
Visit 2, nurse: Sir, your lab results arrived on time, the doctor will see you now. What time did you begin fasting last night?
Patient: Fasting? No one told me I was supposed to fast.
Nurse: It's normal practice for this type of appointment, sir.
Patient: Do you think I do this every day? How am I expected to know if none of you told me?
Nurse: There's no point in seeing the doctor if you haven't fasted. We can set you up for another appointment . . .
Patient: Why can't the doctor tell me that in person?
Nurse (dismissive chortle): The doctor is much too busy to see you if the visit cannot be completed, that would be a ware of time.
Patient: Much unlike my time being wasted, right?
Nurse: There's no need to be rude, sir. Please see the receptionist, she'll receive your co-pay and reschedule your appointment.
Patient: I'M BEING CHARGED AGAIN?
Nurse: Of course you are. The insurance company requires a co-pay each time an appointment is put on our schedule.
Patient: Grrrrrrrrrr.
Visit 3, text message: The doctor was called away suddenly, please call to reset your appointment. You'll receive a bill by mail for today's copay.
Visit 4, lab technician: Sir, we ran your results again and found an anomaly. It could be our equipment, which needs calibration, so we'd like you to come in next week. You'll have to see the doctor some other time. By the way, please make sure your co-pay is taken care of.
Visit 5, receptionist: Oh, you're back again?
Patient: Yes, for the fifth time, and I still have yet to see any doctor here.
Receptionist: Hey, I found you in the appointment book, you really do have an appointment. Someone spelled your name wrong.
Patient (under his breath and rolling his eyes): I wonder who.
Receptionist: Excuse me?
Patient: Nothing, nothing. May I finally see the doctor?
Receptionist: You know something, I have bad news. The last patient's appointment is going overtime, so we'll be forced to cancel yours for today.
Patient (under his breath): I know something I'd like to force.
Receptionist: What did you say?
Patient: Nothing, nothing. Listen, since I haven't been seen, technically this isn't an appointment, so there's no need for a co- . . .
Receptionist: That'll be $35, please.
Patient: What if I don't have it on me?
Receptionist: We have your credit card on file and we know your address, so we'll either charge it to your card or bill you.
Patient: Grrrrrr.
Visit 6, nurse: Your lab results are too old to use today, so you'll have to get the tests redone before the doctor can see you.
Patient: Level with me, there's really no doctor who works here, is there?
Nurse: You'd better hurry because the doctor's annual vacation is coming up very soon, and if you're not back here by the end of this week, you'll have to wait a whole month.
Patient: What's this doctor think I'm made of, blinding sunlight? You're protecting the doctor by keeping me away, is that it?
Nurse: You're being rude again. Would you mind paying your co-pay and getting out, please?
Patient: Grrrrrr.
Visit 7, doctor: You look a mess, you should have been in to see me weeks ago!
Walt O'Reagun 