Have you ever honestly and dispassionately analysed your past breakups?
How many were you to blame for, how many was your partner to blame for, and how many were due to outside circumstances which either of you could do nothing about? What was your finding?
I don't remember doing that. I was always very clear about the circumstances involving the breaks ups. Many times it was my own doing ( they were married, and I was very young).
I'm grateful that the one main break up of a relationship for me was very caring and loving. He broke it off -- but he was so honest and up front about it that the breakup was almost without pain for me. We always treated each other respectfully. We remain on very good terms, even though we don't see each other hardly at all.
So, there is no need for me to analyze it all or whatever. Everything needed to be seen was right there in front of both of us and we both were caring and honest about it all. :)
I do, but it's more in terms of why I chose the person to begin with. I pick men who all fit into the same category- they all suffer from mental health issues and/or abuse substances. I get why I do it and why I'm programmed to do it. It's the unprogramming part that gets me.
Not sure how healthy self-analysis is. Could become quite morbid. Especially for the purpose of placing blame. Every relationship has a natural life and I have always thought the primary focus should be getting the most out of it and enjoying it while we are able to. Someone decides they prefer someone else's company to my company how can I really blame them? Should they stay with me just out of guilt or pity when they would rather be somewhere else? That is not what I want. So when I would feel someone pulling away I would know it had begun to run its course and I knew it was coming to an end. Which usually I made. Because men tend to just hang on as long as they are getting something out of it and they become more and more distant and you see them less and less until finally you no longer see them. So rather than have that happen I would mostly say OK its time to move one. Which they would readily agree to and it was like relief for them because most men hate protracted and stormy breakup scenes.
Now I could have said OK obviously I am not interesting enough or not pretty enough or fun enough or smart enough or sexy enough etc. etc. Or not faithful enough for what they want. But as long as I was being myself then should I have beat myself up for being imperfect in this way or that way or any way? Part of life is accepting oneself and living with oneself however imperfect and accepting the consequences of that. And I have thought it so amazing that there have always been people who, despite all my faults and shortcomings, still choose to be interested in me. Which helps me accept myself and like myself more.
Also things happen - people start new lives and move away, they meet someone new they want to concentrate on, their circumstances change so you no longer fit into their lives. All natural and I don't think blame can be placed. I feel just so fortunate I have been able to be close to so many people as I have been and to enjoy them. Of course there have been hurts and heartaches and a couple of times I did get myself into what turned out to be toxic situations. All of which I just see as part of living. Relationships are important to me - I like being connected , I thrive on connection, I am made for connection (love).
Somewhere on down the line, often years later, I may think about a past relationship and have some sort of realization about it that I accept as truth for myself but this could be I think only an attempt to fit the pieces of my life together in harmony for my own well-being. For others may see the same circumstances and occurrences very differently.
This post was edited by officegirl at February 6, 2019 7:25 AM MST
Every relationship, yes. I've always been the instigator of the end. I make a clean break; the end is the end and no contact afterwards. Reasons for breaking-up with different ex's include the man turned out to be paranoid jealous, seriously bi-polar, addicted to drugs, incapable of emotional intimacy, or seriously sexist. Eventually I learned how to see the warning signs and avoid getting involved with the wrong types.
The trouble was I was co-dependent and did not know it. Once I saw the pattern and relised the reasons, I was able to begin the processes of healing and self-change.
Have been with the same man now for 35 years. And I continue to analyse quarrels with my husband or the occasional misunderstanding with friends. It's usually a two-way thing - both parties equally responsible. On rare occasions, I've made some mistake and it's entirely on me. I do my best to make amends. I've never experienced it being due to outside circumstances.
Nice Jugs 