Discussion » Questions » Relationships » What are some gentle ways to end a "relationship" with someone when you haven't been seeing them long, but they developed feelings?
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What are some gentle ways to end a "relationship" with someone when you haven't been seeing them long, but they developed feelings?

i.e. Maybe a week or so to a month in, where you're not actively in a relationship, but have been out a few times, and you know the person has developed feelings already. 

Posted - February 27, 2019
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Responses


  • 46117
    I would just get really busy and when there is time for another invite, do so weeks from now with plenty of friends around.  

    That would be ideal.  That is a lot to arrange though.
      February 27, 2019 12:40 PM MST
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  • 6023
    There is no "gentle" way, if they are already invested in the relationship.

    I would just tell them that I am not interested in a relationship with them, beyond friendship (if that).
    Get it over with quick, and both parties are able to move on to other possible relationships.
      February 27, 2019 3:18 PM MST
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  • 17614
    Anyone who "invests" in one week should be dismissed right away.  
      February 27, 2019 6:30 PM MST
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  • 17614
    Stop being available.  He may ask if you are seeing someone else and you can honestly just say you do not want to be a "thing."  Whether you are seeing someone else is none of his business at this point.
      February 27, 2019 4:32 PM MST
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  • 4624
    I would go for telling the truth, the whole and nothing but...

    but it's the truth of your reality, your needs and feelings.

    If you have negative judgements about him, they are just thoughts, not necessarily facts.



    I believe that when playing the mating game (or in any aspect of life), we cannot learn unless we hear the truth.
    In the long view, it's the kindest option.

      February 27, 2019 5:48 PM MST
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  • 8214
    Tell the person your fiance is watching, and is not very happy. 
      February 27, 2019 6:04 PM MST
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  • Good thing is your not going to be breaking his heart if only been a few weeks. Unless he’s a nutcase then it’s good to be rid of him. Will just be more a blow to his ego than anything else. I would just say something like: ‘I’m just getting back into the dating scene and I’m not ready to commit myself to one person. I want to see what else is out there ‘ Or you could do what everyone does now and just ghost O_o  

      February 28, 2019 5:59 AM MST
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  • 6098
    Just casual dating you can just stop accepting his invitations and being available.  If he has declared his feelings for you then you need to make a definite end to it and tell him OK this is not working for me.  While we don't like to hurt feelings or egos  I think often it is the case that we are getting off on his interest in us and we fear more the loss of that booster to our self-esteem more than anything.  Because if he just says OK and that is all then we have to face that he has not been all that into us either! Which is sort of a blow.  But best deal with it.  Do not argue, discuss, or offer explanations  - they are none of his or anyone's business.  That will only prolong him and give the message that it is up for discussion.  I think best to be nice but firm. If you have been having sex (mostly unlikely for you)  then there is more involved and what I have done is fix a time for it to end.  Which is like saying OK if you like being with me get in all you can this week or before the end of next week or by Sunday because I no longer want to continue this.  And very often they just take that as the cue to stop it altogether immediately.  More perceptive men are going to feel anyway that things are not working out but many men will get the wrong messages so we need to be firm but as you write gentle.  Which is a very good word for it. 
      February 28, 2019 7:30 AM MST
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  • 1305
    I think the best way is to be clear with men regarding your intentions or else you may end up leaving him thinking that there still is a chance.  “I really appreciated you taking the time to meet with on these dates. And while I enjoyed your company, I just didn’t feel a romantic connection. It was great meeting you and I wish you all the best.”

    Don't bargain, or it causes confusion, often you cannot protect someone's feelings and set boundaries at the same time, and if you don't want to be his friend either then don't.  I had a situation where someone paid an interest in me, I hadn't been aware, so when he confronted me with it, I tried to tell him that I wasn't interested in a way I thought would "protect his feelings.".  Unfortunately, he didn't get and got quite nasty and manipulative which frightened me.  I knocked on my neighbours door (who was a man), asked him what I should do, he took my mobile off me and texted him "F8*k off!" and said "There that should do it."
    Often men and women communicate very differently, and it taught me to be more direct.
      February 28, 2019 2:50 PM MST
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  • 6098
    But I think it should be done in a way that doesn't insult them or insult their intelligence.  Saying we "don't feel a romantic connection" is like telling them they are a great big zero.  Especially after telling them we enjoy their company.  Also makes us look like  airheads just waiting around for someone to "do it for us" like Snow White or something like that.  And if they do not have the right "magic" they need not apply.  Just because we no longer wish to see someone does not mean they should be made to feel any less as men or as persons. 
      March 1, 2019 6:08 AM MST
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  • 1305
    I feel it's the best way to do it, saying you enjoy their company,  but not in a romantic way, men get that, remember she's been on a few dates with him and she feels he likes her more than she likes him.  We have a dating programme called First Dates in the UK (not sure if you are UK or America), at the end of the date they normally state, I enjoyed the date, but I don't feel a romantic connection, each person is usually fine with that, of course one may be a little disappointed, but least their not left thinking why didn't they like me? This post was edited by kjames at March 5, 2019 6:13 AM MST
      March 1, 2019 10:16 AM MST
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  • 6098
    U.S.  No not familiar with that.  Yes a chance they will take it too personally but I see no reason we have to wound someone like that.  The young people a few years ago had a phrase for that - "friendzoning" and I have chatted with a number of men on the net who have been friendzoned and have just concluded they must be nothing or have no appeal and they become discouraged which I don't like to see. I don't think we realize how cruel that is. 
      March 5, 2019 6:16 AM MST
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  • 7939
    Do you think it's less cruel to simply stop accepting invites than it is to say you think they're great, but don't feel a romantic connection? 
      March 6, 2019 1:03 PM MST
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  • 6098
    Men who are more perceptive will understand simply from our actions and attitudes that we are not interested.  But many men will not get that and still hope for something to happen so if we stop accepting their invitations that makes a clear message for them.  We can continue to see them out of politeness or out of pity and even have sex with them but that will not send the kind of message we want them to get. And I would say the way men think is OK if she is not interested in me then why does she continue seeing me.  So they see that as leading them on or taking advantage of them. Or playing some kind of game obliging them to "prove" themselves.  Which if it is only to get ourselves worked up to be interested in them just seems very selfish. In which case what we often get then are only those men who love the challenge of overcoming our reticence.

    Telling someone OK you are great but I don't feel a "romantic connection" is in fact telling them they are not "great" at all.  If they are then why wouldn't we want to be with them?  And is saying to them well you don't have it.  I am trying to see this from mens points of view as well. Which is partly why - if I like someone and know he is interested in me I want to start sexual intimacy immediately because I know it mostly takes time and practice and adjusting to one another to become good if it is going to at all. But if I am not interested then I think more kind not to prolong their "period of trial" so no reason to continue accepting their invitations. 

    And don't you think it speaks less well of us if all we are doing is waiting around to feel a "romantic connection"?  We should know if we like someone or not, we should know if we think he would be good for us or not.  All of which I think makes men think well we have no idea what we want of what we like (which may be true when we are young) so we need to be told what we want. Which is avoiding taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions. 
      March 7, 2019 6:14 AM MST
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  • It's best to say you're not quite ready to take the plunge into yet another steady relationship, and that it's nothing to do with him. That way he would feel better about himself, which is the way it should ideally be.

    What I've said above assumes there hasn't been a sexual engagement yet. I wouldn't know how to answer your question if some sexual activity has taken place, even if it's short of intercourse. I hope someone addresses that aspect. Officegirl has, but I wouldn't ever do it the way she suggests; it's too unladylike.  This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at March 7, 2019 6:16 AM MST
      March 5, 2019 11:33 AM MST
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  • 6098
    But the only alternative then would be to just stay with them until they decide to dump us. When we know its not working out and they are losing interest in us.  Because men once they get into having and expecting regular sex will just continue it forever until something better comes along for them.  Which is not fair to us or to them.  May be "unladylike" to express our wants and fears and our perceptions but it does save all parties a lot of unnecessary anguish in the end. The separation we will have to go through anyway and if we just hold on for security knowing it is not secure at all how is that helping us? 
      March 7, 2019 6:21 AM MST
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  • 7795
    Grow a pair and tell them face to face. It might not seem like it at the time, but it's the best, grown-up thing you could ever do.
      March 5, 2019 11:45 AM MST
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  • The kindest way is to just tell them it's not working for you.  It might hurt for them to hear it so bluntly, but in the long run, it's always best to know where you stand.  It's cruel to lead someone on when you know it's not what you want.
      March 7, 2019 6:46 AM MST
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