Which of these two things below happen more often than the other?

Appropriate objects of your lust indeed.

I get the impression from various previous answers of yours that you have a very negative association with the word lust.

And you are not alone.

To lust is "to have an intense desire or need."

To wit:... in contrast to the English term “lust,” which has come to be a pretty much entirely negative term—which is why it’s so amusing to say, “I’ve been lusting for this pastry all morning”—the Greek term (though having a somewhat negative tint) is not always negative in the same way, instead being indicative of strong urges or drives, which the New Testament does not condemn in themselves.

https://www.jasonstaples.com/bible/most-misinterpreted-bible-passages-1-matthew-527-28/


Lust can also be either toxic or healthy---I pity the husband or wife who is not lusted after at least occasionally by his or her spouse. 

Love involves a sustained act of the will.  Physical intimacy is both sacramental and necessary in a marriage.

(Human beings are hardwired to mate.  The other less than 1% of marriages---in which the partners mutually agree to abstain for other purposes--- is a separate topic.)

Christ said (Luke 22:15): “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Christ does not condemn "lust"---he condemns "adultery."

And "adultery is "voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse."

Notice that sexual intercourse between a wife and her husband CANNOT be "adultery."

I am saying what I did because many people today cannot distinguish lust from love.  There is a difference. 

I have a negative connotation about lust because the bible looks unfavorably on it.  As you said, the word lust means to have a intense desire for something or someone.  So, in that sense, those who follow Him should have lust for Christ (being with Him, having a relationship with Him, longing for His return, and such).  Yet we don't go around saying we "lust for Christ".  It just sounds wrong (and a bit irreverent).

The bible says that lust has a way of " taking over", meaning when we lust our minds are focused on that which we lust after.  
"But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.  Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death." (James 1:14-15 NASB)  

Adultery stems from lust (just look around at the world).  If one does not lust, or let lust control them, then they'd have a hard time committing adultery (not saying it'd be impossible).

Within the context of lust for one's spouse there should be no problem.  It should be encouraged.  It should be expected.  I have read song of Solomon, and dude that is some lustful desire on display.  There is a time and place for everything.

I'm wondering if you are one of the "many people" who can't disginguish lust from love and fail to see how one is related to the other in the sacrament of marriage---and like the parable of the talents, you perhaps risk burying what God has given you and do not use it.

The simple solution to the problem of "lust" with regard to sexuality is to fully and properly integrate your sexuality into your personality---Kinda like "be what you should be by virtue of what you are."  (And that's worked quite well for me.)

And that link I posted suggests that lust for God is indeed quite appropriate---And further St Thomas Aquinas, when asked in a vision by God what he wanted from Him---replied:  "I will have Thyself." 

Aquinas understood that being with God was the final cause---and no false modesty or political correctness held him back.

 

Morality aside, in "good relationships," when sex has been "added,", it is likely that the bodies, hearts, and minds of both individuals have already reached out toward each other---in other words, it's likely in that "good relationship" that real love is beginning even before the sexual relationship has begun.

And of course, love can stand on its own---it involves care, respect, responsibility, and knowledge of and for the animate object of that love.

I'm in total agreement that love can stand on its own: there are so many kinds of love that don't involve sex at all.

Tom - if I've guessed correctly about you - I think you are a Christian and a Conservative.
You sometimes left enigmatic replies to my comments and I wanted to ask questions about what you meant.

I've been in a relationship for 35 years - but despite us being very good friends - I'd be reluctant to call it a good marriage.
I've spent years in depression, loneliness, frustration and despair.
I've been mystified about why my husband is unable to work or hold down a job, is so accident-prone, cannot listen, cannot remember, cannot keep agreements, has no concept of time, cannot get organised, needs constant stimulation, thrills, novelty and entertainment, and unless he really loves an activity, gets distracted every few seconds.
I've been flummoxed trying to work out what is so wrong - and have only recently discovered that my husband has severe ADD.
The discovery that he has a physical disability in the way his brain works has been a revelation. Suddenly everything makes sense. And now I can begin to develop practical coping strategies. There is no cure - but we will be able to work around it. I still couldn't call it a success. 

I plead guilty to being enigmatic at times and by design.

Definitely a Christian, and specifically a Catholic---and I have some formal education in Catholic theology and some knowledge of Canon Law and the principles behind both as well.

Conservative?---I chuckled at that simply because I will be 74 in two months and I've never been interested in politics until Trump decided to run for president. The point being that in doing more reading since then on what is considered liberal vs conservative, it turns out that my principles and beliefs have changed little over the years, but apparently I would be judged as having vacillated between the two over my life.
To perhaps better label myself, I am liberal in applying principles that I know to be true, but conservative in those things I know little about. (As they say, studying philosophy may make a doctor a better man, but studying philosophy is no substitute for having graduated from medical school---and no, I am not an MD.

When I read your description and got to I've been flummoxed trying to work out what is so wrong, I immediately thought, "Wow, that's the worst case of ADD I've ever read about."

I also have ADHD---where the H stands for hyperactivity. Our youngest boy also has it. We had him tested at the local Scottish Rite Hospital for Children, and the diagnosis was confirmed by a separate trained psychiatrist who met with me, my wife and our boy to observe how he behaved while we were all in the room. At the end of the session, she said that yes, he is ADHD and we can treat him. As she got up from her chair, she addressed me directly and commented that she could treat my ADHD as well. (I never knew I had it also---I was in my forties when we met with her.)

Long story short, we were able to get him into a class at a private institution that met for 3 hours on Saturdays and taught him various coping skills with one-on-one instruction. We also tried medications (to correct brain chemistry as necessary for a short period of time) for both of us. And now neither of us are on any medications and we are both doing quite well.

I understand your reluctance to call your marriage a success---but sometimes where one has come from and the circumstances through which one has endured and persevered also have to be given their just due. I am incredibly impressed by your having stood by your promise that bound you and your husband’s transcendental selves (what you were, what you are, and what you will be) to each other “for better, for worse; in sickness and in health; until death do (you) part.

And I think that you will eventually look back at what you two have accomplished with each other with justifiable pride.

I highly recommend this book to you: Driven to Distraction (written by two psychiatrists who have ADD):
This post was edited by tom jackson at September 2, 2019 8:05 PM MDT

Thank you, Tom Jackson, enormously.

I've recently found out from reading the experts on ADD and ADHD that about fifty per cent of adults who suffer from it have never been diagnosed.
(I'm not sure how they worked that out, but I do know that within the discipline there are careful protocols for establishing means, percentages, significance, validity etc.)
Apparently one in ten adults has ADD, while 1 in 100 adults has ADHD, and its cause is physical (neurological) and genetic - though it can vary a lot in severity.
It doesn't affect IQ or other parameters for intelligence but does create a significant impediment to learning.

Yes, my husband's version is severe. His test scored 39 traits out of 40.
He has goodwill and is kind-natured - which goes a long way with me, probably the main reason we've survived this length of time.
But I will admit, had I known when I first met him, I would have been like all the other women who turned him down.

Looking back over the years, the personal cost has been huge.
Yes, we will probably make it until death do us part -
but I cannot count that as anything more than patience and forbearance - it hasn't been a good marriage.
There've been some good times in the form of gentle companionability
and frequent rotten ones - me at my wits end trying to prevent accidents and repair the damage afterwards.
I would not and could not live this life again.

I've ordered Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping With Attention Deficit Disorder, by M D Edward, M Hallowell & John J Ratey

I'm also looking at their other books for coping strategies for adults.

I cannot thank you enough. :D
The relief and hope I feel about finding a constructive way forward is overwhelming.

This post was edited by inky at September 3, 2019 2:00 PM MDT

I'm glad you found my response helpful.

I have no doubt that the personal cost has been high.  My wife is much more ADD than I am, and our mutual proclivities have proved to be challenging at times.

I haven't had to look up anything on ADD for probably 20 years; but I just did some browsing, and these two sites sounded familiar to me:  https://chadd.org/   &   https://www.addrc.org/

Searching this phrase also got some good links:  "resources for partners of people with ADD."

Best wishes---keep us posted.