I found myself alone on the other side of the country trying to deal with the hardest situation life had ever dealt me at that time. I knew I wouldn't be dealt a more difficult hand. Life surprises.
Between about age 42 and 50 and it was my own doing. I had given up on regular close relationships because as much as I wanted their comfort I felt they were unrealistic for me. I guess sort of like whistling in the dark. So I wanted to think of myself as a kind of courtesan bestowing my favors on deserving gentlemen. So I kept several relationships going but I would only see any of them semi-regularly. And oh they were all men I knew would not want to become really close. Because they too had given up on love so to speak. So I sort of lived between meetings or dates - from one to the next - which of course I always looked forward to. And I would really prepare things so they would go as well as possible. But as much as I enjoyed being with them then the next day they would be gone and would be perhaps weeks before seeing them again so by then I was looking forward to my next get together with someone else. But I longer for closeness and commitment, I longed for someone I could unburden myself to, someone I could care for regularly. So lacking that it all sort of fell back on me and I couldn't help but feeling terribly exposed in my aloneness. At least that is how I felt. I wasn't really alone but in ways I was very alone. Doubt anyone noticed anything. All of which ended only when I again let myself fall for them - which of course I did all alone but I just did not push it to them how much I was. Fall even though I knew I had really no right to expect anything more. Let myself fall because that was part of me and in doing so, despite my shortcomings of whatever kind, I was at least honoring myself. I had started receiving attention from young men so eventually I just went with that even though I felt more comfortable with my own generation or older.
In my life, and in my heart, nearly every single moment that existed that lingered heavily within all of space and time before he who holds my heart finally appeared. Excruciatingly and impatiently, those days and nights of every season spent tossing a wish of wonder toward every silver star and sending whispered prayers on wings of Heaven's angels. The waiting without breathing whilst watching never sleeping and the saltwater stains on my cheeks that preceded all the nearly giving up. This was my landscape before promise wildly bloomed before Jon, my precious Jon with laughter and his love filled my souls each empty room. This was my moment most alone the moment that came one moment before him.
You continue to move me with your words and grace me with your love. To know you...to really know you is an intensely exquisite experience that I could not live without. Thank you for being my bestest friend. We have had our moments, but your tender heart shall forever be safe within the safety of my arms. Before you stands a humble, adoring man who wants nothing more than to see your face smile, to close my eyes, and to lose myself within the gentle sound of your wings as you take flight. You are my guy. You were my guy before we ever met and first said, "Hello". From that first Glitter-Goat, I was yours
At nineteen years of age, my mother was dead and I was kicked out of my father's house by my step-mother. I had a few cousins here and there, and a sister, but no one to help me figure out how to live on my own. After a year I met the love of my life and things just kept getting better.
Whatever is the definition of the polar opposite of loneliest, it might be easier for me to identify that time period. I can’t pinpoint any particular era of loneliness I’ve ever experienced, because strangely, I do not usually miss people when I’m away from them or when our lives have gone in separate directions. Does that mean I do well as a loner or an independent person? Yes, sure.
Thriftymaid 