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Livvie

What's the right way to encourage a badly overweight person to start losing weight?

This was inspired by this question: https://answermug.com/forums/topic/97661/what-are-some-common-misconceptions-about-diet-soda

So, anyway my cousin is badly overweight.  I know he's over 350 pounds because he mentioned getting his free meal at Heart Attack Grill so he knows he's overweight. We try not to mention it but it's kind of hard to stay quiet about it when he says that drinking diet soda's going to help.  

It's kind of a hard subject to bring up because he'd just see a family intervention as bullying him.  He's not interested in advice even though we know what worked for other people but it's all something he's heard before.

I know it's hard for him because neither of his parents nor his sister were overweight but his parents sent him to weight loss camp every year which probably made him negative about losing weight.

Posted - January 5, 2020
Tags : None

Responses


  • 64
    First thing is to find out if they are 'happy' how they are. Then to understand if they want to change. Then to ask them how they think they could.... it has to be their idea otherwises its just people nagging... just the point of view of a fat guy... This post was edited by Disguised at January 5, 2020 9:16 PM MST
      January 5, 2020 4:21 AM MST
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  • 53524
    Being happy where one is in life is not always the best gauge, because there still might be dangers associated with the behavior or the conditions. For instance (and this is just a loose, general example), there are some addicts who are pleased as punch with their addictions, or at least go through time periods wherein they are happy with their addictions. If someone were to ask, “Are you happy? Because if you are, it’s best to leave well enough alone.”  Meanwhile, the behaviors surrounding the addictions hurt the addict and other people. 
    ~
      January 5, 2020 8:14 AM MST
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  • 64
    Randy I agree in general but push people into a corner they can only come out fighting.... lead them to tge center of the room and show them all the options ... good and bad.... guide them to the right one
      January 5, 2020 9:30 AM MST
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  • 53524
    Who said anything about pushing anyone?
    ___
      January 5, 2020 10:25 AM MST
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  • 64
    By not accepting them as them even for their own health reasons. Sitting in judgement without understanding their issues ... kinda pushing them... just my experience on the recieving ends
      January 5, 2020 2:35 PM MST
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  • 53524
    I still haven’t stated nor implied anything about pushing anyone. 
    ~
      January 5, 2020 2:38 PM MST
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  • 64
    Not directly ...no.... pushing conjours up you are behind them .... sometimes pulling ...leading from the front .... making comments does the same thing. The important thing in my opinion is to get the over weight person on board with losing weight and its their idea...
      January 5, 2020 2:45 PM MST
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  • 5451
    The first one is obvious.  He's unhappy about it.  He was always fat even as a kid but nothing that wasn't normal if that makes any sense which it probably doesn't but a few years ago his weight just started mushrooming and that was about the same time he went from trying to look good by at least combing his hair to looking like birds just made a nest on his head and it's the same time he went from sounding like a normal person to just sounding awkward and saying cringey things so he's definitely not happy about it.

    He's the kind of person who needs something to be his own idea so I guess I'm out of luck there.
      January 5, 2020 9:28 PM MST
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  • 53524
    Why are your sentences so long?
      January 6, 2020 6:17 AM MST
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  • 4624
    That freight train sentence is worthy of James Joyce; it's grammatically perfect.

    We shorten sentences to make them easier for others to read. It's a cognitive thing. As listeners or readers, most of us have 45-second attention spans. How the parts of a sentence relate to the whole requires holding the phrases and clauses in working memory long enough to grok the full meaning. Brevity keeps us alert. Also, we vary sentence length to make the reading less predictable, the better to hold the reader's attention. Strunk & White's classic, "The Elements of Style," provides advice on how to be concise. (Which, of course, I frequently disobey.)

    If we all wrote according to the style manual, we would lose the personality in our voices.

    In our minds, many of us ramble with freight train sentences.
    I think we are blessed that Livvie has privileged us with a window into her internal workings.
      January 6, 2020 3:00 PM MST
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  • 64
    Livvie

    You can help... the power of suggestion. ... just sow the seeds and he will think about it.. remember praise to positives and ignore the negatives
      January 6, 2020 2:21 PM MST
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  • 1152
    It sounds like there may be multiple pathologies at work here.

    Failure to keep up minimal self-grooming and socially awkward behaviors are often signs of clinical depression. Depression is often comorbid with anxiety. Anxiety leads to HPA-axis activation (hormonal reaction to stress), which tends to exacerbate weight gain and make weight loss more difficult. Plus distressed/anxious people tend to use food as comfort/distraction (Hey, who is that looking back at me in the mirror?...)

    Unfortunately, this makes any attempts to help your cousin even more problematic. 

    I think JA and Bookworm have good counsel to offer. If help is asked for be patient, loving, and willing to give it. But there is probably no useful way you can offer help or induce your cousin to seek it.

      January 9, 2020 10:18 PM MST
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  • 53524

      I would practice what I preach. In my case, I love staying in shape through exercise. My eating habits aren’t all that great, I sleep an average of four to five hours a night, so I don’t have the health trifecta going here, but through my exercise regimen, I steadily maintain about 170 pounds on a 5-foot, 9-inch frame year-round.

      I said all that to say that if I personally were to try encouraging someone to get in better shape, I’d invite him or her to go walking with me for about 20 to 30 minutes a day 2 or 3 days a week on flat terrain. A couple of weeks into it, we’d add either a few more minutes or an extra day per week. Gradually, we’d increase time or distance or frequency or difficulty (hills, carrying weights, etc.) or a combination of any of the four. 

      While it’s true that diet and sleep are also extremely important, I know mine are lousy, so I cannot justify myself saying much there.  My exercise, however, shows results. 

      Getting out of shape, or getting into poor shape doesn’t happen overnight, nor does getting into healthy shape. 

    CAVEAT/DISCLAIMER!  I know that not everyone likes to exercise, not everyone can exercise, not everyone receives the same results when exercising. I also know that what works for one person doesn’t automatically work for another. 
    ~
      January 5, 2020 8:29 AM MST
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  • 5451
    I'm just the opposite.  I hate exercise and by your standards I'm probably incredibly lazy (I know my HS gym teacher thought so.) so it's much much easier for me to just count Calories but I can also see how I look through my cousin's point of view.  I don't have forbidden foods.  If I want a piece of cake or a piece of pie or if I want to go to Zesto's (local hamburger place) I'm just not going to tell myself no but since that's maybe once every three months or so I don't worry about gaining weight from it but what the cousin will see and think is "Why can they have a bacon cheeseburger, some fries and a milkshake and not get fat and I can't!  That's not fair!"  He just won't notice the other ninety days my husband and I actually pay attention to how many Calories are on the plate.  So, it's good to lead by example but I don't think he'll see the whole example especially since I only see him on some holidays.
      January 5, 2020 9:52 PM MST
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  • 53524
    There is no one particular “right way”.  Every person and every situation is different.  Buena suerte. 
    ~
      January 5, 2020 8:38 AM MST
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  • 4624
    I suspect your chances of being able to help are not great, Livvie.

    There is a chance, that because the rest of your cousin's family are not overweight, it might be a medical issue rather than overeating.
    Possible medical reasons can include:
    hypothyroidism
    Cushing's disease
    taking steroids (eg for asthma, allergies, inflammatory conditions)
    water retention
    polycystic ovaries

    Your cousin might not object to a check-up to discover whether there is a medical condition.
    At that point, the doctor might be able to say something
    and it may come across as more objective than things the family might say.

    Attempts at influence from family or friends tend to backfire.
    They often result in the food-addict feeling an increase of toxic shame and hence eating more to try to drown the distress.

    If it's is a psychological issue, then it needs a specialist in food disorders - and that could be extremely expensive.

    Overeaters Anonymous is free. 
    It's a twelve-step program for people with problems related to food including,
    but not limited to,
    compulsive overeaters, those with binge eating disorder, bulimics and anorexics.
    You could find the nearest local meetings online.
    I found the following PDF of 15 questions which can help a person decide if they have a problem.

    In the end, the problem is up to your cousin.
    The standard understanding about all addicts is that they will never kick the habit until they've reached their rock bottom and decided they've had enough and want to change.
    This rock bottom is different for everyone.
    And for some people there isn't one;
    they would rather die a slow and painful death caused by their addiction than face the emotional pain within themselves.
    Ultimately, it is their choice.

    I'm a codependent.
    One thing I've learned through CoDA is that I am utterly powerless over others.
    I have neither the capacity nor the right to try to change others to become the way I would prefer them to be,
    even if I think it's for their own good.

      January 5, 2020 12:42 PM MST
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  • 5451
    I think it's both a physical and a psychological issue with him because when he was a kid there had to be a reason why he was overweight but his sister and his parents weren't but I could see why it would become psychological from his point of view.  His mom tried to make him special low-fat meals that were different from what his parents and sister were served at the dinner table so I could see where that would cause resentment.  He was also excluded from parties and things that had pizza and cake so he was on the outside looking in at the regular weight kids having a pizza party or having cake while those were things that he had to enjoy in secret.

    I guess being sent to weight loss camp every summer also had an effect him.  He says he dreaded summer vacation when he was a kid so yeah, if I were him I'd have the exact same issues about weight.
      January 5, 2020 9:38 PM MST
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  • 7939
    Step 1: Don't. 
    Step 2: If you're still tempted, don't. 
    Step 3: Even if you really think you can help, don't. 
    Step 4: Even if you're 100% totally certain you have the answers to all his problems, don't. 

    People don't change because others point out their misgivings. They change when they want to. They change when they're ready and in their own time. No amount of "helpful" advice will actually help. This is true whether we're talking about eating habits or anything else. 

    Moreover, people who are that severely obese don't simply have an eating issue. They generally have a whole host of psychological issues going on. There are huge links between things like childhood trauma and sexual trauma and obesity as well. There are likely layers upon layers of depression and other issues happening here that have to be dealt with in order for this person to live a healthy life. 

    If his weight somehow impacts your life, then it's one thing to speak up about how it impacts you. i.e. "I wish you could go on family hikes with us." "I worry that you won't be with us long." It's an entirely different thing to tell someone how to live their life or fix their own life, especially if they're not asking for help. Aside from that, all you can do is love the person or not or choose to keep them in your life or not. The rest is on them. Love and nonjudgmental support goes a long way though. 

      January 5, 2020 11:15 PM MST
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  • 5451
    It impacts me because I don't like seeing family members being self-destructive and right now it looks like he's being self-destructive.
      January 7, 2020 11:17 PM MST
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  • 7280
    I don't have specific useful advice for this situation, but it might help to become familiar with this person---John Bradshaw.  I have read a number of his books and he is simply wonderful on his "inner child" insights; and equally fascinating with his insights on "dysfunctional families" ---my primary interest.)

    He was born in 1933 and died unfortunately in 2016

    One of my favorite quotes from him is:  "Be kind to your addictions---they are what helped you survive." 

    Beyond that, you might talk with a Certified Clinical Nutritionist to possibly get some insight on how you might influence him in a meaningful way. 

    For the past four decades, John Bradshaw has combined his exceptional skills as the role of counselor, author, management consultant, theologian, philosopher, and public speaker, becoming one of the leading figures in the fields of addiction/recovery, family systems, relationships, Spiritual and emotional growth, and management training. John brought the phrases dysfunctional families and inner child into mainstream society. His dynamic training and therapies are practiced all over the world. A much sought out speaker, John has truly touched and transformed the lives of millions. He was elected by a group of his peers as ‘one of the most influential writers on emotional health in the 20th Century.’

    This post was edited by tom jackson at January 7, 2020 10:47 PM MST
      January 6, 2020 3:19 PM MST
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  • 11087
    Unless you are maintaining a healthy lifestyle yourself, trying to encourage your cousin to lose weight would not be helpful. Being thin does not mean being healthy.  Eating less does not not lead to a permanent weight loss, eating healthy does. Exercise is not the best way to lose weight, but it is part of a healthy lifestyle. What gets someone on the right path differs from person to person.  The best thing you can do is lead by example.  Stop eating refined sugar and processed foods and work on building a strong body. Your genes and your youth will only take you so far and the difference between yourself and your cousin isn't as great as you may think.
      January 6, 2020 4:26 PM MST
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  • 1817
    start small. instead of just switching to diet soda tell him to cut out soda entirely, i knew someone who lost like 50 pounds by just cutting out soda. honestly tho, you can’t make him change if he doesn’t want to. for most overweight people it’s a shameful and embarrassing thing to talk about, especially because they can’t hide it. maybe an intervention is what he needs. what does he think is worse, a False feeling of being bullied by people who only care about your wellbeing, or dying young from a heart attack? 
      January 6, 2020 7:22 PM MST
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  • 5451
    Last week his sister told me that he just got diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and he's only 31 so it doesn't have to be this way.  I've been told that losing weight is hard af but there's more than one way to do it.  The people who I know who lost a lot of weight and kept off permanently all had medically-directed weight loss so with them it's something that had good results and maybe that's something my cousin should try.  I wish he would.
      January 7, 2020 11:15 PM MST
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  • 1817
    the family friend I know had some sort of weight loss surgery ( I think it was the gastric band) and it worked really well for her. the only thing is that you have to prove you can stick to a meal and exercise plan and lose a certain amount of weight even before surgery, and I think most insurance companies who will consider paying for the surgery also require psychotherapy and a nutritionist. for some people tho that’s what it takes to get on the right track and it’s def worth it 
      January 9, 2020 4:55 PM MST
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