Discussion»Questions»Relationships» Which is preferable, to fall in love and over time develop a layer of friendship, or to first become friends who then fall deeply in love?
I think for a long lasting relationship ... it's best to become friends before you're lovers. Real love takes time to develop and grow. The spark might die a bit .. but if you're friends ... that will last forever.
I disagree Archerchef. My husband and I were friends first .. we've been married for 49 years. You have to have more in common than just "lust" for a relationship to last.
There has to be the motivator of attraction -aka lust. You realize in the 1st 30 seconds to one (1) minute when a woman meets a man she knows whether she will sleep with him or not? True albeit a daunting Stat. How many guys have been Friend Zoned and years on are still hooked on a women who has no interest? Yet she considers him a "Friend".
Sounds like you're probably a young man or one who hasn't had the best luck with women. Of course, there's got to be an initial attraction. But I'm talking about long term relationships. If you haven't been in one ... you can't understand that all the cliche's about relationships are often just that. They might work for awhile, but not in the long haul. We're probably looking at this from totally different places.
This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at January 21, 2020 5:04 PM MST
I am also talking about long term as well. To many Journal Articles on this subject. Start with the Journal of Consumer Behavior, then move on from there say the Journal of Human Sexuality.
Mrs. C. my doctoral work was in Consumer Behavior. I still have friends in Academia that do research on this topic I have juried more articles on this subject for many friends and colleagues. Note I never went into Academia, I found business to be more profitable.
Now I do thank you for calling me young. From my ex I have two adult children. From my partner we are dealing with young twins. BTW my partner is a doctor (surgeon) and a good one. I also live in the EU these days where relationships are a bit more open and honest.
It is better to start out in Lust then try and become friends. Works a lot better that way. I know very few couples who started out as friends then became lovers.
Lust generally is the motivator, then a friendship may develop, not the other way around
Do you know "most American Women"? You can stand by your research and I will stand by my first-hand experiences as an American woman who has a successful, long term relationship. :)
This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at January 22, 2020 10:03 AM MST
Randy it is universal. In short the word lust comes fromt the Germanic Lustig. Lust equals desire in it's most basic form, note this was a Red Herring post...... Was just having graduate school fun,
Doses desire equal love, ??? The Female of the species decides - True at 100%. Hence the stat a guy has 30 seconfds to a minute to impress a woman.
I was having fun with Piled (P), higher (H), and Deeper (d)
It’s an opinion, your opinion. I have an opinion that differs with it. Each of us, you and I both, are entitled to our own opinions, and nothing states that either of us has to agree with the other. There are vast differences between opinion and fact: the former can be supported by the latter, but the latter does not need the former in order to exist. ~
There is a problem with seeking general advice about intimate relationships, because they are arguably the most personal and individual thing we do.
Others can marshal all the individual anecdotes and statistically-valid studies about mating behavior to make whatever generalization they want...and if you meet the right individual, it won't matter what the bell curve says. At that point it will be up to you and your partner to make it work any way you can.
That said our behavior patterns come out of the primordial ooze from which humans evolved. Male mating behaviors and females mating behaviors are different, very different. It is the whole survival of the species thing and what strategies work to ensure the survival of "their" offspring.
If an individual meets someone who meshes then no problem. It is when the mesh does not happen which gives rise to all of the rest
I do not deny there are definite patterns in human mating habits (e.g. Men tend to seek looks/youth in women, women tend to seek height/social status in men).
But, as Martin Fry of the 1980s band ABC noted, "We're all looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world." If one finds that perfect "outfit" somewhere, it doesn't really matter what else is "in the store" or how others pick their "outfits."
Also, there is a huge amount of uncertainty to the path of any relationship, because we have no way of knowing in advance exactly what challenges and issues a relationship will face. Maybe that "perfect" marriage is only "perfect" until one partner loses his or her job. Then the stresses of unemployment, hard economic times, clinical depression, and so forth test the bounds of that "perfect" marriage in ways that it cannot survive (not that I have personal experience with this or anything...).
So I think all generalizations about what is the "best" way to go about seeking love and companionship need to be taken with several grains of salt.
To be just smitten . Like a kitten. I think would be more fitting . Or to be taken for a stroll about. Witch ends up in a roll about Per say . Apnd ends up with making Hay At end of a great Day... In May as well as June That is if you stay in tune. And don't act like a Baffoon :)
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Element 99 