Discussion » Questions » Human Behavior » Should I be more discreet about personal matters? What do others think?
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Should I be more discreet about personal matters? What do others think?

I've often been very personal in my questions & answers, feeling the freedom of anonymity and distance. But others here are far less so.

I was talking the other day (also back in January and occasionally much further back)
about difficulties in my marriage - seeking to understand.
The feedback was useful and made a positive difference.

It's occurred to me that airing my husband's and my flaws and problems in public could be construed as disloyalty to my husband, especially because I named him.
On the other hand, there are thousands of men with his first name.
It would take a very organised sleuth to piece together every fragment of info to pinpoint exact identity, and I very much doubt that anyone would be sufficiently interested to go to that much trouble.

There's also the potential that others might have similar issues and that open discussion could be mutually or vicariously helpful.

In my local area, I don't feel it's safe to confide in friends. Although our valley contains 80,000 people and the wider region 302,649, the distance between each person is only two degrees. A friend might repeat something in a well-intentioned way and then what's said can travel like lightning and end up dreadfully distorted.
An example, I once told a close friend I wanted to die. The next week, I bumped into an acquaintance who said, "Oh, you're still alive! I'd heard you'd offed yourself."

There is something very comforting about having a place where I can sometimes blow off steam when things get too hard to handle on the inside.



Posted - February 17, 2020
Tags : None

Responses


  • 7280
    Immediate and simple answer---NO.

    I don't recall seeing any such posts or answers by you that you are referring to----Which means that anything I might have read from you concerning personal matters was treated by me as a case study about a real situation, and if I had anything to say that might provide insight that might help, I would have provided it and moved on.
      February 17, 2020 1:59 PM MST
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  • 44620
    Nah...it's all good. Not to worry.
      February 17, 2020 3:41 PM MST
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  • 14795
    It's your choice within reason....at times it good to air things to strangers to get varied and unbiased oppinions...What they say can then make sense or really upset you ....it's a risk you take when being completly open about things....
    Choose who you tell carefully if you are uncertain about your feelings or indeed about it hurting others involved in who you are talking about..,

    You can always blow of steam ,but also bite your tongue a bit when it's is wise to also...
      February 17, 2020 4:11 PM MST
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  • 4624
    I get it.
    As with most things, the answers vary depending on the specifics,
    and all words and actions need care.
    Thank you. :)
      February 18, 2020 12:48 AM MST
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  • 4624
    Thanks, Element.
    How are you going lately?

      February 17, 2020 4:11 PM MST
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  • I am only new on here, but I have been a frequent member on other similar sites.  And my opinion, and of course it is only my opinion, and opinions are not facts, is, it is okay to find an outlet to release the emotion that you may otherwise not feel like you can somewhere else. That is not disloyal, its far better to deal with how you feel than let it eat away at the relationship.  I think it's important on the internet in general to remain somewhat anonymous, ultimately you have no idea who is reading,  depending on the information you want to talk about, but also bear in mind, people seem to feel free to say whatever the first thing is that pops into their mind, both good and bad.  Previously I have written about my own issues, not so much for feedback but to clarify in my own mind, as for me writing it out is what helps, not necessarily the sharing, though of course with the right people that is also helpful.  Though what I found was I started to really clam up, once others got to know me, and then I felt I was no longer anonymous enough to share. But its all individual, I just never shared my husbands actual name or my name. After that wordy reply, I think its about how you feel about it, more than what anyone else might think.
      February 17, 2020 5:48 PM MST
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  • 4624
    I find writing out is amazing - how often it helps to clarify things.
    I really appreciate your "wordy" reply. Feels like having a real chat with someone. Thank you. :)


      February 18, 2020 12:44 AM MST
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  • 5391
    Based on what I’ve read of your posts, I wouldn’t worry about it. The discussions I see are consistently smart, interesting and articulate, not shot through with triviality. Would that it were more the rule than the exception. There are only a relative few on this site who expound at length with any frequency, being among them is to be commended, not cautioned against, IMO.  
      February 17, 2020 8:09 PM MST
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  • 4624
    Thank you, Don Barzini!
    You're one of the intellects here whom I most appreciate.
    You have a knack for pithiness. 
    I could write better by aiming to emulate it.
      February 18, 2020 12:45 AM MST
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  • I'm not sure if I know how to properly answer this question.  You are one of my dearest acquaintances on here.  Dare I call us friends?  I have always thought of you as such.  I for one am ever so thankful for your candidness and honesty.  The ofttimes detailed answers you give within your posts have afforded me such a wonderful chance to come to know you.  It would sadden me if that level of comfort you have were to change, because as things are I adore your openness and your authenticity.  I truly believe that the answers you give to each of us in the varying topics scrolling by are more about extending a hand and offering help to others through sound advice and citing real life examples of your personal experiences than it is about airing your own dirty laundry so to speak and that is an admirable thing. 

    I also feel this bookworm, that in some ways I probably owe you an apology for I have not always been as forthcoming with details regarding myself. Oh, I wax on constantly and ridiculously about silly things that don't matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. A great deal of the information I put on display is light and frothy and often fails to shed any significant light on the darker sides of my life and we all know everyone's life at some time or another can have deep perilous pitfalls and high crashing waves.  I am no different than anyone else.   I just try to ride the waves of life from trough to crescent while keeping my head above water.  Whenever I seem overly playful and twee with my interactions it isn't that I am trying to be distant or even disingenuous but rather attempting safety through careful reservation. 

    There are those here on site whom I would feel very comfortable revealing slightly more intimate details with but instead of doing so within open forum threads I would most likely choose to limit said discussions to private messages.  You are among the handful of members I honestly feel I could trust with any fragment of my personal life.  On this note though let me add a word of warning...I have been burned before by placing too much blind trust in the supposed goodwill of others.  Difficult and hurtful but a good lesson learned.  Ultimately it matters not if the unveiling of truths happen within the virtual realm or the physical.  Anytime we confide our secrets in others we have made ourselves vulnerable.  It may be necessary to let ones guard down from time to time in order to cultivate a relationship, just always weigh these risky possibilities carefully before jumping in to unknown waters.  Trust in others is a good thing and can often be quite lovely but might I remind you as the story goes, even Christ was betrayed by a kiss.        This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at February 18, 2020 4:21 AM MST
      February 17, 2020 8:40 PM MST
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  • 4624
    Wow!
    I was mesmerized by your answer and then, Whammo, the punch at the end.
    Yet thinking of the character that Jesus is in the New Testament, I cannot imagine that he would have loved Judas less because of that betrayal. There is something extraordinary in that kind of love, that sees past the personal to the universal consequences of an action.

    Yes, despite the limits of the internet and distance, and my occasional need to disappear to attend to writing, study or farmwork, I would like very much to think of you as a friend. I'm one of your fans, you and Jonny Goat. We've had some exquisite exchanges from time to time. I know you have great depth below your surfaces, and your surfaces have rainbow deliciousness.


      February 18, 2020 12:56 AM MST
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  • Nope, you came to the right place to air out your dirty.... granny panties. :P

      February 18, 2020 11:47 AM MST
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  • 46117
    No.  This whole site is a personal matter.

    Enjoy and know you are understood and liked and even loved.  

    Stay you and say what you want so I can continue to say what I want, guilt-free.
      February 18, 2020 11:51 AM MST
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  • 53509
      What a coincidence reading this question.  I am away on vacation in a foreign country, I have extremely limited access to the internet, so I only log on for about an hour every week.  In the interim, I have jotted down a series of questions that I plan to post next month when I return to the US.  Due to the time and expense (even though the latter is not great by any stretch of the imagination) of going to where the few-and-far-between internet cafes are located, and because it detracts from my vacation activities, I restrict it to once weekly.  One of those questions that I have saved (ergo the coincidence) is: 

      Have you ever been reluctant to share here on AnswerMug that a loved one or close friend was in poor health or had recently passed away?  If so, why the unwillingness?

      Of course, now that I've posted it here, I'm also going to post it as a new question, according to my original plan, but far ahead of schedule.
    ~
      February 19, 2020 8:33 PM MST
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