Discussion » Questions » Emotions » Those who went through abuse/trauma; how do you separate yourself fully from the things that happened to you?
Baybreeze

Those who went through abuse/trauma; how do you separate yourself fully from the things that happened to you?

How can you NOT identify anymore with being 'weak', 'dumb', 'incapable' or feeling less than others? Especially when you feel so tainted, b/c you DO have and get anxiety from the past trauma, and you DO feel small or less ...if it was how you viewed yourself for YEAR s and Years, how can you change it to finally have love or joy ?

Posted - September 29, 2016
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Responses


  • 284
    Abuse
    Stages of Recovery
    Every individual’s recovery process is unique. However, most share some similarities. Survivors may experience the following stages of recovery:
    Denial: It is not unusual for people to be trapped in this stage for many years after the physical nature of the abuse has ended. Many survivors develop addictive or compulsive behaviours while attempting to mask the feelings and emotions connected to child sexual abuse.
    Confused Awareness: At this stage, people begin to recognize the connection between their past trauma and present concerns. This new awareness may introduce feelings of anxiety, panic and fear.
    Reaching Out: Survivors can be in a situation in which the perils of silence become more painful than the risk involved in speaking out. Receiving individual counselling and/or joining support groups may play a role in the healing process.
    Anger: After they reach out and become more aware of the impacts of the abuse, survivors often deal with intensified anger. This anger is an expected, natural part of the healing process. Thoughts of disclosure and confrontations may dominate this stage. Anger may be channelled towards anyone who excused or protected the abuser, anyone who did not believe their disclosure of the abuse, and anyone they feel should have been concerned but never took steps to help.
    Depression: At this stage, adult survivors may recall the negative messages or criticisms that they received from their abuser as a child. If these seem valid to the adult survivor, they may cause him or her to become depressed. When faced with depression, survivors often feel powerless and unable to make positive changes. If symptoms and triggers of their depression are identified and an appropriate support team is found, the chances of their being overwhelmed with feelings of despair may be minimized.
    Clarity of Feelings and Emotions: For adult survivors of child sexual abuse, a key component to healing is to express and share their feelings. This can be achieved by survivors learning to acknowledge and identify a wide variety of feelings and emotions, as well as finding ways to release them without hurting themselves or others. A good support team can be extremely valuable at this time.
    Regrouping: This phase involves many positive changes in survivors’ attitudes and feelings. In this stage, they develop a new sense of trust in others but, most importantly, they start to trust themselves. This phase includes learning from the past, examining the present and planning for the future. Many survivors have suggested that this stage represents a transition from merely existing to actively living.
    Moving-on: This stage includes a shift in focus from the negative experiences of the past to positive plans for the future. Painful feelings and emotions do not dominate memories from the past. Positive coping skills developed in earlier stages are enhanced and assist survivors in moving on with their lives. Several coping skills that can help survivors to move on include learning to love and accept themselves, recognizing and celebrating personal growth, creating a healthy support team, grieving current losses as they occur, learning to deal with stress effectively, and recognizing when it is time to let go of painful feelings connected to the past.
      September 29, 2016 11:39 PM MDT
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  • 81
    Idk if you can or truly will want to separate yourself from what happened that's really not the important part... being able to move forward is important and there isn't a one size fits all solution. ..sometimes the worst things that happen to us are what shapes us... finding peace takes time and acceptance...and taking the time to heal... and the last part is letting go... forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do but necessary for you to fully heal... I hope you find peace
      September 30, 2016 1:10 AM MDT
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  • 2758
    Define 'abuse.' It matters here. (This can be rhetorical if you prefer.)

    I'm not entirely certain one can ever fully separate (compartmentalize) him/herself from those events which have traumatized him/her, but I am relatively sure that it's unhealthy to try.  The mind isn't made to be a 'house divided.'

    The better option is to seek a group of individuals who've suffered similarly, and to embark in therapy with them.  There are 'survivor' groups all around the country; some free and some requiring fees for service.
      September 30, 2016 1:47 AM MDT
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  • 1713
    I just try to keep it in the back of my mind and if I'm reminded I try to divert my attention. Sometimes I say to myself "well, plenty of other people have had it worse so maybe I shouldn't feel so bad."  That's all I could really do about it, but I still kind of hate myself.
      September 30, 2016 6:16 AM MDT
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  • 284
    Why should you hate yourself for something that was not your fault?
      October 5, 2016 8:12 PM MDT
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  • 1713
    I don't know, I just do.
      October 6, 2016 8:24 AM MDT
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  • 284
    5 Things to Think and Do When you Hate Yourself

    Self-hate is a dark, black hole in our soul that can be easy to fall into, but difficult to get out of. Here are  some things to do when you start to hear yourself say things like, I hate myself, I’m no good, I’m so stupid, or I’m worthless. The truth is you are NONE of those things. But it’s easy to think you are, especially if you have been believing all these negative thoughts about yourself.
    So what do you do to climb out of the dark hole in your soul?

    1) Decide you want to change about yourself
    Nobody can make you love youother than you! It’s your responsibility to rearrange your thinking away from all the negative stuff you’ve been thinking, and think more positive thoughts about yourself. It’s often been said, If I think better, I will act better. And if I act better, I will feel better.
    I’ve found that sometimes our greatest enemy is ourselves. And the way we think can hurt worse than any words. And when left with nothing but your own thoughts, and if those thoughts are negative, self hate is born. It takes a real effort to turn negative self-defeating thoughts into positive life-changing ones. But try it! And if you stick with it, you soon will see you’re feeling better about yourself.

    2) Figure out what you CAN change and do it!
    If you don’t like something about yourself that you can actually change, start to do that today. Maybe you don’t like your weightyou can start eating properly, and getting exerciseTODAY! Get involved with a sport or a favorite hobby. You’ll be amazed how good it makes you feel to take care of yourself.
    Don’t obsess over what you think are your flaws. Work on what you can change, and ask God to help you accept the rest. Create the healthy life you desire (and deserve!) some people get trapped living miserable lives, not realizing they have the ability to change their situation. Don’t you get stuck in that trap!

    3) Build up your self-esteem
    Make a list of your 10 best qualities.
    Can’t think of 10? There are more than you think. But try starting with one. For example, I am a loyal friend or I care about others, or I am in touch with how I feel, or I have a lot to offer my friends, or I am a good listener, etc.
    Then add to the list.

    Find out what your friends and family value about you. You might be surprised to find out what the people who love you see in you! As you begin to dwell on the good things you offer, your confidence will grow.
    Others will take note of it because you will have made yourself more attractive. Since I stood up for something, people started to respect me and I was able to find confidence in myself. You can’t please everyone, so focus on making yourself proud before you expect anyone else to be proud of you.

    Each day, find something to do that makes you feel proud of yourself. Find out the things you love, try new things, go new places
    . Make some short-term and long-term goals.

    Decide that you will never say the words: I Hate Myself ever again. Those words are toxic. Why hate yourself? When in reality there is a lot in you worth loving.

    4) Use gratitude as a weapon against self-hatred

    You will find people who dwell on the positive things in their life, things of which they are grateful, are usually much happier than those who don’t.

    Negative thoughts, mixed with worry, make a person miserable to live with.

    So if you are tired of hearing the same old, negative thoughts, make a daily list of the things you are grateful for, and you’ll be surprised at how quickly your attitude begins to change.

    Challenge yourself to reflect each day for just a minute or two and think about what you feel grateful about just for that day maybe it was delicious pancakes for breakfast, a smile from a friend, nice weather, could be something as simple
    as the color of the grass, or a good grade on a quiz. It doesn’t have to be what you know you should be thankful for but something that you actually feel grateful for.

    5) Remember God loves you!

    The most powerful way to overcome self-hate is to focus on God’s love. After all, if God loves you, and He does with all of your faults and hurts, it should make it easier for us to accept ourselves. Let God change what He wants to change, and you’ll feel much better about your life.

    God made you very unique. And it’s this uniqueness that makes you special.
    Please stop hating someone God loves so much. YOU!!

    Its very easy to find reasons to believe I am of no value to anyone, or to God. But I am of value because God loves me, even if no one else does. As you start believing in yourself more, you’ll have more good days than bad. It’s easy to find the negative, so look for the positive in each situation. And most importantly, keep your faith in God this will help lead you to the happiness you seek.

    Please stop hating someone God loves so much. YOU!!     This post was edited by Silverwings at October 6, 2016 10:48 PM MDT
      October 6, 2016 10:37 PM MDT
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  • 284
    I found this on the internet awhile ago and thought it was worth sharing:

    It's impossible to hate yourself. You might hate your body, your face, your bullies, your cancer, your friends or your job. You can even hate the decisions you make or the consequences you are living with. You say "I hate my life!" The only thing you really hate is that THINGS are not what you expect or want. You want your life to be better. For YOU. For your MIND. For your SPIRIT. That's who you are. The reason you are depressed and suffering is because you want better for YOU. Because you love yourself. You love yourself more than anyone in the world does. Nobody thinks about you every second of every day. You do. Nobody cries harder for you when you suffer. If you had a child or a pet, you would be hurting whenever she were sick, sad or in pain. Because you hate her? No. Because you want things to be better. Because you love her. If you need to start somewhere, start there. Knowing that you want better FOR YOU. BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOURSELF.. I know we can get paralyzed by pain and overwhelmed with choices. It just takes gaining momentum. Let others help you. Let people help you make good decisions. Let people share your pain and your dreams. Set small goals. Get out of bed. Wash a dish. Cook a meal. Walk a mile. Write a diary. Everything you finish makes your life a little better. For you. The one you love more than anything in the whole world. You have what it takes to make things better. Even if asking for help is the only option you see. Do it. Remember, the fact that things should be better is only proof that you love you.
      October 6, 2016 10:43 PM MDT
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  • 3375
    I think the passage of time cannot be underestimated.  
    Some of the most traumatic things I ever went through were just plain awful at the time.  Of course it helps to be able to talk about it with the right people.  
    If it's something that is truly causing distressing symptoms, I fully recommend a therapist that is trained in PTSD counseling.  It's not just talk therapy, but getting actual tools to cope with painful thoughts.
    Gaining a certain confidence in one's self will ease whatever you have been through.  Most of us don't leave this life without something happening that turns our world upside down.     This post was edited by PeaPod is just popping by at October 6, 2016 4:22 AM MDT
      October 2, 2016 5:33 PM MDT
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  • 2758
    "Most of us don't leave this life without something happening that turns our world upside down."

    BINGO!
      October 2, 2016 5:37 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thx Pea I truly appreciate your words... the ones I liked most were, 'Gaining a certain confidence in one's self will ease whatever you have been through...' I think this is vital for me b/c I have had near zero self esteem for many years... I'm in early 30's and never dated, and am so fearful that this feeling of being tainted by so many years of abuse will make men just ditch me... that they'll sense or think 'yeah she's not normal' or something like that. (even though i know deep down I'm normal and kind and humorous, but think they'll find out about my anxiety and the abuse and think I'm not like other women..) I hope to find a therapist trained in PTSD , it is hard, many don't accept my insurance, or many don't specialize in just that. Ty again for your words and I'm sorry you went through some trauma too friend *huggg
      October 2, 2016 8:12 PM MDT
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  • 3375
    There was certainly a time and a day that I thought I could never rewrite the things I had been through.  I felt cheated in many ways.  But as I grew older and wiser (I would like to believe), I just began to feel more "capable" of handling crisis situations.  

    I was able to find a PTSD counselor who was doing her graduate work through a local, large university.  It cost me nothing.  I was very lucky to have had her.  Six sessions and I was able to sleep again and get through a day without crying.  
      October 2, 2016 9:40 PM MDT
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  • 284
    F  alse
    E vidence
    A ppearing
    R eal

    You are not like other women, you are uniquely YOU!! One of a kind!!
    A treasure waiting to be discovered!!

    Life is for living it to the fullest!!

    Don't let anything hold you back from being all you can be.
      October 5, 2016 8:23 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Aww that is so so sweet Silver, ty for saying 'A treasure waiting to be discoverd'.. wow. I have never thought on that level of my self, ever. But you say it with conviction, I feel maybe, it could be true.. hugggg. Ty again, and for the above post /answer on all the stages of recovery.. You are a great person to give such uplifting comments, thank  YOU. :)
      October 5, 2016 10:14 PM MDT
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  • I'll add my short confirmation here.  Silverwings is perfectly correct.  We are all unique, even if it's only in seemingly small ways.  Nobody has had exactly the experiences you have, whether they be good, bad or indifferent.  Because we are a combination of our raw materials and what happens to us, that makes all of us 'a treasure'.

    All those old saying - 'there's someone for everyone, etc - are true.  I won't blather on, but I have found one of the most important aspects of accepting the past and it's events is to realise that I am worthwhile and do not need to allow myself to be defined by events.  

    Abusive behaviour often puts us inside a psychological box that is partially of our own making.  The walls of this box tell us all the negative stuff and if we're not careful it's all we can see.  But it's not all there is.  :)
      October 6, 2016 3:58 AM MDT
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  • 1138
    Hi Mr Witch (interesting name hehe).. Thank you for your kind words friend. I like how you said 'I ...do not need to allow myself to be defined by events.' It's not that I choose it, but b/c it has been a very many number of years under this abuse my mind identifies...'you are weak, small, not as capable as others, etc..' I get anxiety about travel and small things too; I often think what guy would want to be with me ?? I guess, I need to completely separate the small scared girl who was always bad, wrong, etc , (even though I never ever went against rules etc) to someone who was 'made' to go through the hitting/shoving/degrading/tyranny.. I like you said 'i't s not all there is'.... I have to remember that, ty again HUUUGGG.
      October 6, 2016 7:40 PM MDT
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  • Glad it had some meaning.  :)  'Abuse' is a small word for such a big thing.  The reaction you mention ('weak, small, etc') is a common one and one I can identify with.  My reaction was to fight.  Anyone.  Anything.  In an effort to 'prove' I wasn't what I 'thought' I was.  It didn't work of course, because it was based on a false premise - that damaging abuse is likely to produce undamaged thinking.

    I'm a slow learner sometimes, and it took about 15 years or so (and several run-ins with the police and others) for me to see that this wasn't helping.  Self accusation doesn't work either and for the same reasons - it's not based on a constructive reality but a destructive one.

    The main thing (and the most difficult) is not to allow yourself to be restricted by your feelings about yourself.  Remember, others will not have them unless they pick them up from us (perfectly possible if we radiate negative things).  The most natural product of abuse is deception and sadly the usual victim of this deception is ourselves.  We become victims twice over and the irony is that we ourselves often have a hand in the second victimisation.  I 'had to' fight to produce feelings of positive self perception.  Your experiences have conditioned you to see yourself in a negative light.  Neither of our responses is 'true', sensible or - most important - unalterable.
      October 7, 2016 5:09 AM MDT
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  • 1138
    Aww I'm so sorry you felt sort of a defense at all times, to fight, but it was out of a false identity , SO true. I know that deep down for me too, that my feeling less than most can't be completely true, I didn't even 'do anything to anyone, when ALL I was told since I was 2 or 3 , was that I was dumb, irresponsible, and a troublemaker. (saying 'I forgot to put that away mom' was a Troublemaker)... but yet, my subconscious stil l tries to believe this... b/c it was my main message and homelife for many years. Yet, I know realistically all this person (mother ) said to me was a lie.. she is manic, lies, belittles, screams, pushes/hits, and denies EVERYthing any one ever has said about her behavior. I'm so sorry you had run ins w/police.. :( Huggg. HOw do you feel now? I thank you so so much for the last part of your post... that "neither of our responses is 'true', sensible, or most important- unalterable. "It gives me hope that I can maybe date one day, not feel small, and find love or joy.. thank You......
      October 9, 2016 8:42 AM MDT
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  • 284
    ((((HUGS)))  It was said from the heart!!! It is true!! Believe it, meditate on it, put it on your fridge, and speak it to yourself everyday. 



    May your days be filled with all the beauty you can behold!!
      October 6, 2016 9:30 PM MDT
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  • 284
      October 5, 2016 9:07 PM MDT
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  • 22891
    i dont think people ever get over it, i never did
      October 2, 2016 6:56 PM MDT
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  • 3375
    You never get over what happens if it was especially traumatic.  You just learn to live with it and go on.
      October 2, 2016 9:43 PM MDT
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  • 'Fully'?  I'm not sure that's possible.  Certainly, I can note the influence of abuse in my previous behaviour and current outlook. 

    As others have noted, time plays a part.  And acceptance.  Most of all, acceptance that you were not responsible.
      October 3, 2016 5:48 AM MDT
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  • Huw

    55
    I'm not a woman, so perhaps I have nothing to contribute to this discussion. But for whatever you might find itworth... I'm a veteran. I've got scars -both physical and what I guess you'd call psychological I don't think anyone who has ever gathered up fragments of his friends can "separate himself/herself" from the memory. Even though it's been over sixty years... And the same goes for the times when you realize that there are people out there who genuinely, actually mean to kill you... or the moment when you realize that you have actually killed another person...

    But I think that sooner or later you just have to acknowledge that these things did really happen, that they can never be undone, that they are part of you, But only part of you. That there is all the rest of your life also, that you are the person who did all the other things you've done too, that youhave proved to yourself that you can do those other things, because you HAVE done them; that here now in this present moment you have the choices/opportunities to do/be the person you've shown yourself you can be, and that what really matters is precisely what you do here and now.

    We're  all flawed. None of us gets through life without scars. That's just what it is to be a human being, and life and the world just have to settle for what we give it. To be immune to being hurt would also be to be incapable of doing anything in the real world. But thank whatever powers you believe in that that's not the case -that you can do things and that the price for that is that you can be hurt too, but it's worth it.

    So that's my two cents' worth -or maybe less. Take it for whatever you find it to be worth. Cheers and let's get on with living!
      October 5, 2016 10:22 PM MDT
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