Is (or was) your father more nurturing to you than your mother?

 

  Just idle curiosity for two reasons: 1) as to whether or not the stereotypical image of mothers being more nurturing than fathers is true in the case of anyone who cares to answer, and 2) I have never known my biological father, I grew up without that experience, that connection. From the ages of four to fourteen, I had a stepfather, I have spent my entire life learning the importance of having or not having a true father. It certainly helped me greatly when I got married and became a father myself. My children know me and I have always been in their lives. I’m by no means a near-perfect father nor the best father in the world, and I made plenty of mistakes while raising them. That being said, I believe that they have been much better off than I have been in the area of father is concerned. I have long imagined that I would have rather have had my real father in my life even if he were a bad father than to not even know anything about him. You would not believe what it makes a child think of himself when his father doesn’t even care enough to acknowledge his existence.
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You had a step-father, that is a real father if he fulfilled that role. Sign up for 23 and me and find your biological father. I'm sorry you had that empty spot in your life.  I just recently came to understand what that means, how it can affect a person.  For me not having a father would have been much better. I didn't understand the importance until someone explained it to me. It was hard to hear. 

 

  Thank you for your remarks about the empty spot in my life, and also for your suggestion about 23 And Me. However, I will not be pursuing any research about my biological father due to more plot twists in the story. I have always known that my mother is fully aware of all of his identifying information, it’s just that I personally have never known it. My mother lost contact with my biological father shortly after I was born (English: he left), but I found out from my mother that his mother, my biological grandmother, lived within a few miles of where I grew up.  When I was about 25 years old, already married and a father myself, my mother let me know that she had been in recent contact with him again, the details of which form my reasons for not wanting to nor needing to look him up.

  The entire interaction my stepfather had with my mother, with me, and with my siblings is difficult to describe as his having been “a real father”, and is partially why he and my mother eventually divorced. It isn’t fair of me to say that he was a horrible person, and at the same time, it isn’t accurate for me to say that he  was wonderful at fatherhood. He himself let it be known that he was not our real father, especially when seven years into the marriage, my mother gave birth to my youngest sister (his child), and they raised her completely differently than they raised the rest of us. My family’s past is like that of many other people; far too many factors to narrow it down to simple definitions such as “he was a real father”.
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Just curious---have you ever compared your experiences as a child with living in a concentration camp?---It is not at all unusual for abused children to compare their experiences in childhood to that of a concentration camp.

"I'll beat you till you can't stand up," and "wait until your father gets home and hears about this" tend toward being abusive physically, mentally, psychologically. and spiritually.

I am not accusing your parents of intentional child abuse; but from your standpoint, if I step on your left food by accident and your right food on purpose, which foot doesn't hurt.

I'm just hoping that if you had any negative residuals from your situation that you have dealt with them sufficiently.

I can assure you, we were never abused - in anyform (except for moms ocasional guilt trips).  You see, my brother was a very rebellious kid, and tested my parents to no end (I was the crafty one).  Once my brother threw a bus seat out the bus window. My Brother was the oldest, so although the threats were originally meant for him, they worked on the rest of us as well.  We used to listen through the fireplace vents to the intense lectures and the punishments my brother was given when dad got ahold of him (even though eavesdropping like that was a spanking offence).  So while my dad never actually beat us (spanked, yes), we knew what would happen if he had to deal with us.  

What you said reminds me of my brother.  Whenever we'd get hurt, he'd always tell us he had a surefire way to stop the pain - kick or punch us on the other side.  Of course, whenever he gave my sister a "hurts donut", she'd deck him (which led to more fireplace vent eavesdropping).

I am very pleased that things worked out well for you.