My ex's girlfriend insists on washing my kids' clothes even though she knows I'm allergic to the detergent...

The poor kids. They did not make any of this drama. It is not their choice. THEY are the sensible ones. Their supposedly grown-up parents are the baggage.

Thanks for addressing it with humor. :)

Yes, the sensitivities are something else. I can't use perfume. I don't keep air freshener in the house and a lot of cleaning agents are nixed because they make me sick. Candles are usually out as well, though I have found that I do pretty well with essential oils. That may be a solution for you as well, if your son is ok with natural scents. There are little burners you can use that you put water in with a drop or two of oil- just like the wax burners. Sometimes I do lemon or orange, but my favorites are rose and sage. They have to be natural, though. Once they start adding in chemicals, it messes with me.

I'm not sure what you're suggesting here. I do a fair job of maintaining the peace, but, yes, I did make a joke out of my frustrations. Laughter diffuses the situation. I choose my words carefully. I haven't even said anything bad about her here and she's not even on this site. Even if she did see this question, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't care. I may have frustrations with them, and them with me, but we're largely amicable and see to the needs of the kids before anything else.

Oh you are most welcome. :)

I will give that a try. Thank you for sharing.

tell her no

I can identify with that, my son and I---my mom, dad and his dad etc.---we all share pretty nasty E.N.T. allergies, some of them can get pretty serious. I had to have an emergency tonsillectomy at age 7, also had my adenoids out. Around the same age my son went through a similar ordeal, he had his tonsils and adenoids removed. We both have problems with certain detergents, can't use fabric softeners at all or any sort of air-freshener for the same reason. No food allergies though.

Have you ever seen a specialist about possibly having the tonsils / adenoids out?

I guarantee you, your youngest has the allergies problems, probably on the extreme side like you and your oldest, he simply hasn't encountered the right trigger yet and likely because you know what sets you off, thus you try to keep it out of the house. The rash was something very common for my son when his breathing was controlled, not simply due to things that touched his skin like detergents, even airborne allergens would cause the rashes for him.

I did the very same thing with my him, tried to eliminate the household allergens that were known triggers for me, but when he finally did come into contact with a cat for an extended period of time, it kick-started a 3 year journey through misdiagnosed asthma, breathing / steroid treatments and finally a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy... that was a game-changer. Now he not only manages the allergies, he no longer requires the inhalers and the few reactions he's had were insignificant compared to before. Prior to the surgery, he came very close to pneumonia on a few occasions due to U.R.I.'s from allergies.

It's done so much to improve our family's way of life, I can't not pass the info on to any and everyone who shares the same problem. lol So, just throwing it out there :)

Since you have made the situation clear it is obvious the gf does not care or is deliberately doing it to annoy you.

I would have the clothes she washed put in a bag by the kids and those would be the clothes they take each time they go to their dads. This protects you and let her wash their clothes.

Thank you. I went through a very similar journey with my oldest. Almost exactly what you went through. He had a T&A when he was 9 or so. I've never had my allergies tested. I just take daily claritin and get by ok unless it's a serious trigger. I used to have to desk share with a lady who insisted on putting on scented lotion and then using the phone. I had to tell her flat out that she needed to stop and she told me that if I'd just do a colon cleanse, my allergies would stop. *face palm* No, lady, a colon cleanse will not fix my genetics. People really don't understand this stuff unless they've lived it. 

Time will tell on the younger two. I think it's likely they'll develop it, but it's still too soon to tell.

I think that's the solution. Thanks.

F) She is so threatened by you .. she acts this immaturely.  Your kids see how ridiculous she is acting.  Your ex doesn't sound much better if he isn't intervening.  Ask him to put on his big boy pants and make sure she doesn't wash their clothes.  

Are your kids old enough to do their own laundry when they're there?  Maybe that could just be one of their "chores" .. leaving her out of it.

Good Luck!

She is evil, and she's doing it on purpose because she is jealous of you.

E. Shes an inconsiderate b*tch.

I mostly just try to roll with the stuff they do now because I realize I can't change it and turning it into an issue, especially knowing a behavior won't change, is a futile battle. It just strains things and right now they're pretty peaceful. I could probably teach my middle child to do her laundry at this point, but they only go there for two days at a time at most, so there really isn't a need to do laundry while they're there.

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

Perhaps.

I would go with the same clothes route.  And if you are worry about the ex getting upset....I would have about 6 days worth of outfits (1 1/2 months worth of visits..if they go every other week) he may not even notice.

That's not a bad idea. 

Oh yeah, I've met people like that. My son has a friend who is terribly allergic to cats and dogs, but his family has 2 dogs and a cat that live in and outside of the house with them. His mom told me that she thinks that after being around them long enough, his allergy will go away. Poor thing recently recovered from a bad bout with pneumonia. Pretty messed up.

Granted, my son's allergist told me that ours was a very rare case. Usually asthma is asthma all day long, just happened that for us it was all allergy, no asthma. No complaints here!

Hope your family figures this one out, it's tough to see your babies suffer and not be able to do anything about it.

I understand what you mean.  Picking your battles is the smartest thing .. especially to show your kids that's the way to be in life.

I'd accept that for one reason or another she's going against a polite, rational request.  If I thought it was deliberate, childish nastiness then the 'garment as a present' sounds good, but I'd replace itching powder with one or two carefully concealed pins.

Then I'd get the children to wash their own clothes and themselves immediately on returning.  No human contact for them or theirs until they're decontaminated and can be let out of quarantine.  :)

Would the kids bee able to do their own wash with YOUR detergent?( I started doing my own wash at 12 (not rocket science,just a small inconvenience...)

Just a thought....you really are bending oover backwards to keep the peace,btw

The kiddos are still young- ages 5 and 8. The 8-year-old could probably master the washing machine, but I'm just not sure I see the point. It's two days that they're there for. There's no need to wash their clothes while they're there. I'm also at a point where I totally recognize that the households will operate differently and I don't think it's my place to dictate what goes on over there, just as they can't dictate what happens in my home. I need to have a hands-off approach with their interactions if I expect the same in return. Telling my daughter to do the laundry there would be overstepping, I think. It's not my house and not for me to decide. It could work with a teen/ preteen, but not someone as young as her. I'm just going to wait and see what happens the next time around. If the stuff comes back coated in allergy-inducing chemicals, I'll just bag it up and save it for the return trip a few weeks later.

I asked a silly question, but you guys have been really helpful. :)