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Baybreeze

Can I still try to date even though a number of situations give me anxiety?

Or do you try to overcome not being so nervous first? I just don't know what to do- sometimes in social situations (ESPeCIALLY with guys) I get so nervous I feel I have to leave.. like a feeling of being trapped overcomes me as well. That is why I don't date and never have, and it makes me very sad, b/c I'm 35 and never had a boyfriend. But if I wait to be not nervous of things (what guys think of my anxiety or me, or situations in general) how can I become free of the fear? I've heard you have to push through that fear and realize you are ok, then it will fade over time... yet also heard you have to love yourself and feel whole to date... which is it?  :(

Posted - June 10, 2017
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Responses


  • 22891
    sure but you might have to ask them on dates yourself, ive never dated myself and im 56 and for the same type of reasons you have, i feel like if i want to date i need to ask them cause they will never ask me
      June 10, 2017 11:55 AM MDT
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  • 53526
    When are you finally going to ask a man, Pearl?

    ~
      June 10, 2017 1:13 PM MDT
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  • 22891
    not sure, im not ready
      June 10, 2017 1:37 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    I think the y might ask more, Pearl, if you were in more situations that guys are; although I know it's hard! Maybe a sporting even (if you do like any hehe), or just grocery store, (I find it hard to even smile at them b/c I feel I'm leading them on, even when I LIKE them... I feel they'll think I'm some confident woman :( ... so I think we both just have to take tiny steps to finally feel joy others just naturally fall into *hugg
      June 10, 2017 3:02 PM MDT
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  • 22
    Perhaps it would help if you just banished the word "date" from your vocabulary. Do things you enjoy doing, and in the course of doing them meet likeminded people with similar interests. It would be natural to go out for coffee or lunch after such an activity, and the two of you can just chat about things, without the pressure of "being on a date."
      June 10, 2017 2:35 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Great idea, thanks John Watson :) Only thing is , I fear even just coffee/lunch for expectations...that the guy might think I'm Much more confident than I am, or I've done this before, or that I'm calm like most people with travel or cars .... unfortunately anxiety and PTSD are quite hard to simply eliminate, and I feel tainted b/c of it :( But I have so much love and patience and kindness to give, I feel it just goes to waste year after year... ty for your words , I do want to eliminate that word ....
      June 10, 2017 3:00 PM MDT
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  • 22
    How about this: say outright and upfront: "I have anxiety and PTSD....but do you want to have lunch anyway?" And say it in good humor, with a smile on your face.
      June 10, 2017 3:03 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    They'd probably run after 2 'hang out's /dates though, I fear :( Maybe not though, since I haven't tried. I just fear I'd let them down soon, and they'd think what a joke or something .... I tear up now even saying that, b/c the person inside me , not the abused part, is not a joke, yet it seems guys want things quickly, usually not friendship first or slow :/  But I will def. have more hope ..thanks for those words; maybe make it humorous!!
      June 10, 2017 3:07 PM MDT
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  • 22
    Guys are not all the same. The guys who would run, will simply say no to the invitation. but a guy who responds positively, will know what he is getting  himself into.

    My wife and I met at a Bible study group. After a few months of just seeing each other weekly in the group, she and I started to go to lunch after wards. Eventually, after a few weeks of these informal friendly lunches, I said "I think it's time to ask you out on a real date." So, some guys are perfectly happy for things to start with friendship and to move slowly.

    We just celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary.
      June 10, 2017 3:12 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thanks JW.... I guess guys seem on the 'whole' to want to speed things up and that makes me feel suffocated /frightened. It doesn't seem genuine like that; and yet to find the GOOD guys I have to get over this nervousness of fearing they'd think I'm strange or not 'dating' material or something. I love how you took things slow and just let a friendship begin with your wife :) That is wonderful. I really need to join something to maybe meet someone; I don't like the bar scene, and I think an activity might yield kind, open men. (that wouldn't be judgemental of me)... My fear of how they'd ditch me if I dont' meet their expectation stops me, and makes me sad b/c I do have some nice qualities on the flip side; love humor, loving chats/or deep talks, enjoying simplicity and music are things I think a guy might enjoy, yet its so hard b/c I feel they'd be like 'huh??' if I said 'I have anxiety, want to do lunch though?' ...but you were right that if I made it a joke, and light maybe just the humor might connect us.  Congrats on your anniversary!! And thank you too :)
      June 10, 2017 3:35 PM MDT
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  • 53526

    (hangouts)

    One compound word not two separate words, and it's a plural noun, not a possessive noun, so no apostrophe. 


      June 10, 2017 8:39 PM MDT
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  • 13071
    You sure can. Just fake confidence. Nobody will see that your anxious behind your facade.
      June 10, 2017 3:03 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thanks carbon :) Like I said to John Watson though, I feel like I'm a fraud almost, like the guy might think I'm a confident, capable for any date woman ... when I don't feel like that  :( 
      June 10, 2017 3:05 PM MDT
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  • 53526
    (you're anxious)


      June 10, 2017 8:40 PM MDT
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  • 13071
    As a pimple faced school boy.
      June 10, 2017 8:51 PM MDT
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  • 53526

    (pimply-faced)
      June 10, 2017 10:09 PM MDT
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  • 13071
    Well you dont have to call me names. ;O
      June 10, 2017 10:17 PM MDT
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  • 53526




    :)
      June 10, 2017 11:12 PM MDT
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  • 13071
     
      June 10, 2017 11:25 PM MDT
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  • 13071
    I rarely feel the way I put on my face. If I did I probably would be shunned like a leppar.  If you dont want your anxiety to show,  pretend that your confident, that way no one will be the wiser. It works for me. ;)
      June 10, 2017 3:09 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    so it is not 'leading them on' if I go on a casual date, but am not SURE if I'll want to take things further, or if I might be nervous for a second hang out /date? I fear hurting a guy or that they'd think I know ANY thing about what I'm doing :/ 
      June 10, 2017 3:46 PM MDT
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  • 13071
    Maybe you will get over some of your anxiety if you pretend you dont have it even though you do. I suffer from crippling anxiety but play pretend I dont. Nobodies going to tell if your acting or being yourself. Eventually you might stay in the acting mode and rid your anxiety a little.
      June 10, 2017 4:09 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thank you Carbon; I might just try that.. maybe I can become confident thinking .. 'it is OK to be confident!'.. (a lot of my anxiety also stems from the belief that I 'shouldn't be ' confident, for that means I'm trying to be better than someone else... my mother used to say 'who do you think you are?' if I ever defended myself..and then say 'I don't need to listen to you' SO many times, it made me believe it is bad to ever be confident :(   I am trying to overcome that , b/c it seems ppl actually LIKE if someone seems confident - *hugg Ty again Carbon
      June 10, 2017 4:17 PM MDT
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  • 11105
    Frankly, I feel that if just thinking about it causes you that much anxiety, you should forget about it for now. Get treatment for your anxiety, which may include daily medications. Some anxiety on a first date is normal, but if you are crippled by it, you need professional help.
      June 10, 2017 7:57 PM MDT
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