Discussion » Questions » Relationships » Do you ever feel like hating people who do selfish, hurtful things to you is wrong, like those people are actually the one's who need love?
Benedict Arnold

Do you ever feel like hating people who do selfish, hurtful things to you is wrong, like those people are actually the one's who need love?

I feel guilty sometimes for hating my ex because I feel like she is a selfish, dishonest person and she is not going to change and when I loved her it helped her.
Now I worry about her, but maybe she's maturing who knows?
It just feels sometimes like I'm really the selfish one for abandoning her even though she doesn't give a sh_t about me?
Like love should be unconditional and even though I shouldn't be with her I should still love her and that's either the truth or Stockholm syndrome?
Just wondering because no matter what she does to me hating her doesn't feel right.
Majorly flawed people deserve love too right?

Posted - July 27, 2017
Tags : None

Responses


  • 46117
    I think it is natural to feel angry from hurt.   But it is not natural to grow resentful and build up more and more anger over any person's insult towards you, whether they meant it or not.  Because, then you give them your power.  It is up to you to move on and grow and smile and let go.  To do otherwise is to endanger yourself and make yourself sick.   Don't do it.
      July 27, 2017 8:36 PM MDT
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  • I think you're right she does have immense power over me still because I loved her and I was with her for so so long.
    I do make myself sick when I allow myself to think or feel anything about her anymore.
    It's tricky to manage because we have a kid, but the less her and I see each other the healthier I get.
      July 27, 2017 11:25 PM MDT
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  • 2657
    Mixed feelings? You're hurt and naturally want to get even but you seem to have a good nature about you and don't really want to retaliate. Nice.
    (Romans 12:17-21) Return evil for evil to no one. Take into consideration what is fine from the viewpoint of all men. 18 If possible, as far as it depends on you, be peaceable with all men. 19 Do not avenge yourselves, beloved, but yield place to the wrath; for it is written: “‘Vengeance is mine; I will repay,’ says Jehovah.” 20 But “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by doing this you will heap fiery coals on his head.” 21 Do not let yourself be conquered by the evil, but keep conquering the evil with the good.
      July 27, 2017 9:35 PM MDT
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  • Thanks.
    I do feel like I should take the high road and love her as a human being regardless.
    When she admitted to cheating she cried and said she was sorry and that she never wanted to hurt me.
    I believe her.
    She will always do messed up stuff and hurt anyone she's with, she lies and lies, but it's who she is now.
    I feel like as long as I remember what she's capable of and I don't allow her to take advantage of me I can still be kind to her and accept her as she is.
    At least I'll try because loving people is so much easier then hating them I find.
      July 27, 2017 11:34 PM MDT
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  • 7126
    Break-ups elicit all sorts of emotions. If you don't feel like hating her, don't hate her. Hopefully there will come a time when you stop giving her so much power over you. Sounds to me like you were more in love with who you wanted her to be rather than who she actually is. 
      July 27, 2017 10:06 PM MDT
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  • You're exactly right.
    I built her up in my mind from the day I met her.
    I watched way too many movies and she is beautiful and I was young and just worshiped her.
    She was always a hard girl to tame and I had my hands full trying to keep her in our 20s, but I had it in my head that she was the one so I treated her so good and she loved it.
    I loved her and she loved how I loved her.
    I was living out a fantasy and we had everything but a real bond.
    We had great moments, lots of sex, lots of fighting, lots of crying, lots of drama.
    I pur her up on a pedestal and I still do until the next woman comes along, I guess?
    I hope my next time will be better, thanks.
      July 27, 2017 11:45 PM MDT
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  • 7126
    You sound like a strong person and I'm sure you'll be fine. Sometimes it's just a matter of time passing and walking through the pain. Hopefully at the end of that period, you'll be able to consider the relationship a learning experience which will make you better prepared for the next go-around!   
      July 28, 2017 2:49 AM MDT
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  • 10052
    You can feel anger and hurt without hating. It's unhealthy for you to feel hatred or want revenge. It won't really help you to heal. 

    I don't think that romantic love is meant to be unconditional. You can still care for someone without loving them in that way. I'm not sure that majorly flawed people deserve that sort of love, at least not from people who they've harmed. 


      July 27, 2017 10:06 PM MDT
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  • Thanks I worry that giving her unconditional love would just lead to more pain and confusion for me.
    I have to find a balance especially because I'm still so attracted to her.
    I can't really be around her a lot, it's way too confusing.
    I just gotta let go of the hate and move on.
      July 27, 2017 11:51 PM MDT
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  • 10052
    I can't imagine both hating and being attracted to someone at the same time ~ definitely sounds confusing! 

    Hopefully you can both focus on being the best parents you can be and be cordial with one another. I think that's the best most of us can hope for. 
      July 29, 2017 4:19 PM MDT
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  • 53509

    (the ones who)

    No apostrophe. 






      July 28, 2017 12:33 AM MDT
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  • 7126
      July 28, 2017 2:52 AM MDT
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  • 2657
    That's our Randy D! lol
      July 28, 2017 4:33 AM MDT
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  • 53509
    :)
      July 28, 2017 5:33 AM MDT
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  • Oops, you're right.
    When the word "ones" is possessive it does require an apostrophy, but when it describes people it doesn't.
    Sorry I do forget things like that occasionally because I have bigger problems, LoL.
      July 28, 2017 8:18 AM MDT
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  • 22891
    i dont feel guilty for hating someone, not if they gave me a reason to hate them
      July 28, 2017 4:41 PM MDT
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  • 1305
    No.  That amounts to you loving someone and putting all your energy into the relationship while they take.  Question is who is loving you? In loving her you neglected yourself, and she didn't care about that, so if you don't take care of yourself in a relationship who will?  You'll end up lost, missing from the relationship.

    A relationship that is full of the up's and down's is emotionally exhausting, some people crave that because to them being in a truly loving relationship would feel boring or emotionally flat to them, they look for the push pull relationship, they want you to love them then they feel suffocated and so push you away, then when you leave they want you back and it goes on and on like that in a cycle, this isn't love.  Love is when two people think about each other and take care of themselves at the same time, in this way no one is resenting the other for not loving them enough or not letting them do as they want, because they both want a happy supportive life, both people matter and so the relationship works, it's not a drama.

    Unfortunately, too many movies portray love as a drama, a battle, a fight for each other. A real relationship isn't like this, it is a partnership of two people supporting and loving one another through the ups' and downs of life, NOT creating those up's and downs' themselves.  A true relationship is the little old couple in the park, who have supported each other through life, who knows all the little oddities about one another, who have been their holding hands and cheering each other along, who have cried together, who, despite the passing of time, often still feel like the two people who met 20- 50 years ago just a lot wiser.

    You can never love someone into changing, they will simply look outside of themselves for that change rather within, leaving her may be the best thing for her, unfortunately she'll probably look for another shmuck to cling onto, because unless she changes from within, there will never be enough attention she can gain from without.  She'll just wear one poor bugger out to the next, at least that won't be you.  Let her grow up. This post was edited by kjames at July 28, 2017 6:08 PM MDT
      July 28, 2017 5:52 PM MDT
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  • Wow!
    You're exactly right our relationship was full of ups and downs like a rollercoaster and if it was ever just nice she would get bored and find a reason to cause turmoil.
    I used to honestly feel like she was only happy if I was upset.
    It was exciting and dramatic between us, but that gets tiring and it's not healthy.
    I did grow attached to her and I still have feelings for her and I was so used to being in a mostly one-sided relationship that it's all I know.
    I just know how to love her and deal with not getting it back.
    It's sad I guess, but I'm sure my marriage wasn't the only one like that.
    I just have to stay away from her which is a one day at a time kinda thing and get to a point where I can just be nice to her and not feel like holding her and kissing her.
    I probably just gotta get motivated and find someone new that's a better match so I can let my ex go.
    It hurts to even say that because I do love her even though it makes no sense.


    This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at July 28, 2017 6:26 PM MDT
      July 28, 2017 6:24 PM MDT
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