This is ridiculous (hiccup); these cops have arrested me for drunken publicness! (Burp.) Will you bail my pay?

I will soon as I sober up else they'll throw me in the drunk tank too.

#FreeRandy

As I have told you for the last 10 years....

NOPE.  Sobriety, thy name is NOT Randy D. It is such a shame too. So much potential.

Sure, where are you this time?

*Whispers* This is a great cover. They didn't even bother testing your blood-alcohol levels. Dang, you are good.

Officers, thank you so much for taking such good care of my brother here. I know he can be a nuisance when he gets like this. I can only imagine what  you've had to endure with his incessant grammaring and such. I'm a little short on cash, but I'd like to get him off your hands.... Oh, I understand. Rules are rules. Well, I made you these brownies, on account of all the trouble I know he's been. I'll leave them here for you while I see if I can scrape together the cash. Is it alright if I give my brother this cup of coffee to help sober him up? ... Thanks, I sure appreciate it.

*Whispers to Randy D again* They'll be asleep in about 20 minutes. The key to your cell is at the bottom off this coffee cup. The next shift comes on in 90 minutes and you'd better be out of here by then. Don't eat the brownies this time. 

I'll make room. (Hic!)

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Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica!

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I've been telling you for over 11 years, it's RANDOLPH!!!! Grrrrr!
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I'm registered at Kops-R-Us.

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*Fast forward two days later*

Hey, how long do I have to sit here and rot in this lousy cell before anyone moves a muscle to get me out of here? A couple of days ago, all I could hear for hours on end was that loud snoring of about 6 or 7 guys in your break room! And when is someone going to come get this mug with the stale coffee in it? It's stinking up the joint worse than it already is! Talk about cruel and unusual punishment, I can't believe someone tried to get me to drink that stuff! Don't try to sell me that pack of lies that my little sister brought it; she KNOWS that I don't drink coffee! I bet you cops are trying to poison me! Once, I saw this movie with a similar plot, a grammar policeman was falsely accused of hoarding tildes and selling them on the black market as sperm-spatulas . . .
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