I want love or joy in my life so much, but growing up in severe chaos/abuse, I still feel I am 'defective' ..that anyone who knew about the issues or anxiety I have been through/have, would not want to stay with me :/ How can we give ourselves the 'Ok' to want love, and that it is Ok to maybe obtain it?
I grew up in a severely dysfunctional household too -
chaos and abuse normal whenever parents drank, which was half the time.
Therapy helped a lot, and so did Vipassana, and learning life and communication skills.
Being a survivor of abuse is not unusual - there are millions of walking wounded everywhere.
The thing about finding love is to find it with someone who will not unconsciously trigger the old patterns,
someone whose approach to loving is healthy and mature,
learning how to recognise those characteristics very early in getting to know a person.
Every human being deserves love, by which I mean real love, not the tides of addictive intensities and dramas.
Part of love is being vulnerable to being hurt, opening the raw, soft inner being and exposing the marrow of who we are.
It is better to risk rejection and have the chance of learning and growing
than to live in isolation and loneliness.
If you give love, honest love that cares for the well-being of another, it usually comes back to you in kind.
I don't really know. Let me know the answer when you find out.
God loves you very much. And so will anyone who you open yourself up to. If they don't they are not worthy of you. We are all flawed:)
The goal isn't to give yourself permission. The goal is to realize you don't need permission. You can 'want' anything you like any time you like. God alone (for those who believe) sets the limits.
Life is short, and nobody gets out alive and undamaged. Each of us carries wounds. Some wounds are way bigger than others, but what matters is that we learn to value and to take control of ourselves. As long as we let past traumas rule our lives, we will remain victims of that trauma. The trauma controls us. The trauma OWNS us.
And if my response sounds even slightly flippant, be aware that I've "been there" to some lesser degree. Most of my abuse was psychological, but let's just say I can relate to other survivors.
I dont' 'seek' it actually.. I have declined men who have asked me out, just for fear. I fear even wanting love..it is natural and normal to want love and to want to Share love. That is what I want, just to be able to honor my own want to share love and I am too fearful to, b/c of trauma I went through, and that the person will see that trauma and not want to be with me. (or be with someone more adventurous, confident etc.) I do find the love within me, I do know it is there, I just don't think a man will find it enough :/
I really liked how you said, "It is better to risk rejection and have the chance of learning and growing than to live in isolation and loneliness.' Wow. That was eye opening.. I mean I've known that notion, but just the way you phrased it really made it have meaning in my mind. I just feel a 'fraud' if I go out and date ; that I'm defective (from the years of abuse).. like who am I to think I'm whole (when I'm kind of really not??) ? I just work on it each day trying to find ways I am good, I am giving, and very loving.. Ty for such a great reply friend *hugggg.
Ty so much Stepper :) Only thing is I never have discussed the anxiety I've had with regular things in life (like going on certain outings) with friends, for fear they think me small and weak. I've not discussed my dating fears either much ... I did a bit once with one friend, but she just said think of a date as simply a friend. I don't have any one who I'm so close to that I could share my inner fears with, not even family members.. they are rude and condescending to me, and I don't contact them. I really agree with your thoughts that already coming from abuse, one tends to think behavior like that is normal and thus attract or stay w/someone like that. Luckily , once I get the confidence to date, my radar is really keen on people who seem wish/washy .. thank you so much for your words, they really are wonderful, have a great weekend :)
Ty so much .... I just often think how could they 'not' think I was unwhole? (when they know a lil more about me..) That I have anxiety about cars, travel, even things like hiking in woods... Although maybe you are right, that someone would be just fine w/those things, and still enjoy me for 'me' ... ty again Oz :)
I think I look at myself as 'unwhole' , vs. flawed. Others seem whole (yet have flaws).. while I just have felt defective b/c of years of abuse/trauma. Years of cruel words and actions that I began to believe, this must be me... But you are so so kind to say if they don't love me when I open myself up, they are not worthy- huggg.
Unfortunately, there is no way around this barrier; the only way is straight through it.
Fear is a self-reinforcing problem. Every time we avoid we reinforce the fear, we help it become stronger.
Courage is to feel the fear and go ahead and face the thing anyway.
In this case, the goal would be to choose a man who's past history points to being good at relationships.
That means almost no one - so it's all relative - better to choose someone who's past is not a tendency to run away easily, someone who likes and prefers commitment.
Make yourself a list of things you like and don't like, put them in order of priority. Then put the don't likes right up the top.
For instance, with me, my big NO that I would never budge on is anyone who is addicted or has a history of addiction (including not just drugs but processes like gambling or controlling.) BTW I'm married, so to be fair I no longer need to worry about it.
It doesn't hurt to have more than one relationship - serial monogamy for a while - a little experimenting and experience can yield many insights.
If you start thinking in terms of choosing, (rather than fearing being rejected,) you put yourself in a much better position. And even if you do get rejected, as hard and bitter as it may be, adults can and do bounce back.
agree
Thank you Hart (I replied also to you, under your original reply , under another users' "Like")... I think your points make great sense, and YES everytime we think we are 'avoiding' the fear, we are reinforcing, or building it :( You are very right. It seems terrifying to me to date.... I feel beyond nervous even accepting any man. I feel he will get the short end of the stick and that if I'm unwhole, what business do I have trying to be with someone? That's where the fear is... I'mw orking at separating what 'happened' to me (which I know deep down is not 'us') from who I really AM. I liked 'if you start thinking in terms of choosing, rather than fearing being rejected...' Thank you for that.. that maybe 'I' can be the one who is accepting someone rather than me feeling like 'who would accept me ??' Huggg. I hope your night is great , ty so much for your kind words...
No one is better than you, just different. Everyone deserves happiness. Anyone that tries to impose anything different than that on you, just give them the bird! {Middle finger} Whoa!
That's the funny thing with introspection ... the smallest blemish looks huge through the lens we use :)
