DO men have a problem with being objectified?

Yes, I know I have spoken to many who would actively love to be seen in purely a sexual way.. To be *wanted* just for that purpose, because of attraction physically. But from the answers here we can see that not every man would welcome that.

I think ultimately we cannot control how others see us.. if someone see's us as just a pair of boobs or a fit bod they want to hump then while we may think that's a bit disrespectful, there's not much we can do about it.. The discussion was about male film stars... is it right we drool over them.. I guess there will always be people who drool and fantasise.. and people who are drooled and fantasised over.  This post was edited by Adaydreambeliever at September 9, 2018 8:25 AM MDT

Underlying your comments there seems to be the notion that men only want sex while we want relationships (with the whole man) but I think it is a lot more complex than just that.   I agree that the security of a relationship is most important to us but that does not mean we do not respond to and enjoy anything else.  We are naturally attracted to the opposite sex so of course men are going to want to be with us just as we want to be with them.  Which sometimes we are not so careful with as we would like to be and get swept along by our feelings and affections. 

I do not think men just see us as  what you say - they may admire or be stricken by a facet of our appearance or our personality. But certainly we feel attracted to certain aspects of them as well.  Which I can't label "objectifying" at all since they (as we ) know that those are only certain facets of a whole person. Certain things turn us on and continue to about someone be it the sound of his voice or the way he does a certain thing or ow he carries himself physically etc. so I must see these as only endearing  traits though they may carry more erotic weight than just that. 

I never really had the boobs or the bod or the hair of the figure or whatever like that and I still received interest simply because I was a female and available and accessible though I may have thought OK they will never want anything more long-term with me still they liked being with me and we had a great time for several months or a year or a shorter period of time. One way we come to know someone is through sex and though it may not lead to anything else often it does and we form relationships and become close for whatever period of time.  Which is the best we are capable of together at that time.  We can think oh if it does not lead to marriage then it is no good or a failure or thinking negatively like that but in fact shorter relationships can be very wonderful and fulfilling and we learn lots and enjoy lots even if we do not have that longer-for security of a family and community.

I also would say that many of us, though we may "drool" over some motion picture star, tend to go with those men who show they are most interested in us.  Because the nature of our sexuality is basically responsive and we respond to that interest and attention.  And we know that without that interest from them it really has little chance of growing beyond anything casual.  Not that we shun the potential joy of something more casual at all  I know that in close relationships for me I have always been better able to enjoy the casual as I had more that stronger sense of security with my primary relationship.  Many men are more than willing to engage in a more limited primarily sexual relationship with someone but if they begin to want or look for more from me then I know it is not going to last because I am already "taken".  So I have to rejoice in and give thanks for the casual as well as the close.  Because I think we are made to reach out to and interact with others. Which sex, however we wish to construe it, gives us the chance to do. 

Only just seen your long reply. I do appreciate it when you take the trouble to do that.. so just to start with.. 'Underlying your comments there seems to be the notion that men only want sex while we want relationships (with the whole man)' Agreed it's complex, just as everything is with human beings.. I am an amateur sexologist and have been researching the subject for decades.. so yes, I know that while it is generally true.. it isn't the whole story and it isn't all and it isn't all the time..  I think in this I wasn't referring to what men want and what women want.. or if I did, I didn't mean to.. It was more direct.. what do men think of being seen as just a sexual object, without a mind, that someone wouldn't care what they liked, felt, believed and just saw them as a cute posterior or something sexual.. 

I think in this deviation of the aspect of men and women and sexuality.. I am thinking or assuming that the objectification is of a serial kind.. like perhaps men or women who habitually, (and I think we are all capable) see a man or woman who we don't know, like on tv and fantasise based just on physical looks.. Like while it's not all men.. there certainly are many men who DO notice breasts...perhaps  we are talking more about those who looking at body parts, looks etc in the street, online.. etc... . and might fantasise about engaging with that body part on that woman/man.. 

They aren't attracted in this objectification process to the person's personality.. they don't know the person.. even an actor in films.. we don't know them.. but we might drool over them.. and that's based on objectification.. I am not saying it's wrong or right.. only asking what men think if they are seen in that way by women.. And I will be honest here.. I've done it! 

A small story.. one day in my late teens.. I set about trying to find the perfect male posterior.. I looked and looked at every man I saw... talk about objectifying! And one day, in the queue for the canteen I saw it... I wasn't in the least attracted to him outside of his perfect shape.. but it was fun looking.. In this question.. I wonder what he would have thought of being objectified?

I agree wholly regarding casual within a long-term trusting relationship..I describe it as a springboard from which to safely dive off.. knowing you have safety and security to return to...  been there.. tho this is a very different subject. 

Oh and just to be politically correct we mustn't forget that one can be attracted to same sex or both sexes so it's not a purely man/woman thing.. the men, in my question may equally be being seen by other men as sex objects to be drooled over.. 

Thank you for your reply which I will need to think about to understand.  Haha when I was a teenage I didn't even know enough to notice men's "posteriors". 

I can't imagine that men think about engaging with just a single body part.  I think they notice what is a particular striking feature to them and that makes them interested in being with us or knowing more about us. And I would say not just a physical feature but could be an aspect of our personality as well or how we carry ourselves or how we respond and interact with others.  So although they might initially be drawn or captivated by a single aspect I will give them credit for knowing at least we are more than just that single thing.  Now just how much they are interested in all our other facets is quite another thing. But I can't see that we are necessarily any more "objectified" because of that.  Because in interacting with us they are doing so with a whole person (or as whole as we are at the time!).

Really I don't think we can discuss this without taking into consideration what men want from us.  Because that affects how they will see us and interact with us.  If they want quick sexual gratification they can get off in minutes - seconds if they choose to - and there might be nothing more after that.  Or they might find more things about us they get interested in so want to know us better and a relationship thus deepens. 

I think sexual gratification, or sexual fulfillment, is different for us although the mechanics of sex and orgasm are physiologically pretty much the same.  For us the orgasm is seldom the be-all and end-all because most of us are multi-orgasmic and the more we have the more we desire.  Which perhaps most men just don't understand because that is not part of their physiology.  So I see the fulfillment of our sexuality, as great and often as mind-blowing as our orgasms  are of can be, in childbearing, family, community.  We naturally weave greater community webs for our support and that of our children.  So simple and swift male gratification , while it might be OK under certain circumstances, is not going to do it for us because we are looking for, and need, much more.  So we tend to say OK men are objectifying us because they can be so simply gratified. 

But I wonder when we look at men as fathers, breadwinners, protectors, pillars of the community aren't we to some extent objectifying them in our own way by breaking them down into one or more different functions which are significant to us?  To say nothing of sexual functions. Because once the sex gets good we are going to want it more and more and so a particular person becomes a part of us, "completes" us really (though I know such a notion is out of favor among many people today but after all why are there two sexes who are complementary opposites?). 

I don't think most men really mind if we are attracted to their butt or their wallet or their car or their brilliance as much as we might objectify those or other things.  But they, like us, want to be taken seriously as persons and if we don't they can try going to lengths to see we do take them seriously. Like I am thinking of when they try and isolate us so we must become more and more dependent on them so we have to take them seriously.  Which of course backfires because the more dependent we become the more they will resent our dependency as a burden on them.   But they want us to see them as vibrant individuals and not just as a mate or breadwinner or partner easily interchangeable.  With any experience they know we are seeking security and family and community and we are looking for those things through them but they want us to love and recognize them as individuals and not just as functions.  All of which seems obvious to me. Though I have not read anywhere near as much as you have perhaps I have had more hands-on education!

Given that men are easily sexually gratified then it is that they are so often seeking more than just that.  May not be looking for family or community but they want to engage with us on other and deeper levels than just simple gratification. Like they want us to feel them, they want it to be good for us, they want to feel more personal power themselves, they want to feel personal acceptance or feel more sense of achievement. Or they like being with us for whatever reasons so they want a deeper relationship that they can more count on.  So are many gradations between simple objectification and marriage and family.  And who knows but in every relationships there might always be some objectification going on.  If we are going to feel secure which we want to.  But we need to appreciate what we have and even that we are able to so objectify someone!

Not very "politically correct" but believe in being polite and respectful toward others which seems the best of such correctness to me.  I have not had many same-sex relationships and have tried to understand them as more personality attractions though there was  sometimes a quite powerful physical component.  But the attraction was to admired female aspects or traits rather than male.  I don't know - some people think I had (or have) mother issues. 

When someone is interested in being with me I quite enjoy the interest and the attention and unless they are boorish or overbearing about it  I am going to almost automatically feel favorably disposed toward them.  Because that kind of attention makes me feel good about myself.  Perhaps had I been beautiful or pretty I would have taken that as a given and so not appreciated it as I do.  So far from feeling any disrespect I feel recognized and acknowledged and worthwhile!  Now true in a more limited kind of relationship where sex is the main activity we may less get to know a lot about one another.  But that is a function of the nature of that kind of a relationship.  I can remember one gentleman's surprise after seeing me casually for several months, that I knew so much about business. In spite of the fact that he knew I worked for a large corporation.  But I am thinking that in any situation where we feel we are given short shrift for whatever reason we are going to regard that as disrespectful. 

Always love reading your thoughts.. I am sure in person we could talk for ages about these things..  In fact you have hit the nail on the head.. I didn't realise it but perhaps that's what I was wondering.. IF we get so many and so often and over a prolonged period where we are seen as ONLY a pair of boobs, a cute butt, our hair, shape etc.. and only seen in that way.. Does it get tiresome..  I've had that and it doesn't make me feel good... not at all.. it may have done for a while but it soon wore off.. 

So I wondered if the same were true of men.. and in particular film stars... I am thinking they probably do.. Like  we heard that Elvis resented all the films where he was seen as a pretty and attractive man.. never given serious parts...  They said the same of Burt Reynolds that he said he had wished he had been able to play more serious parts.. but that no one could have had more fun than he..  

I just found it interesting :)

Some men are going to hit on us just as a matter of course whether or not they are interested in us. Because they feel they should or it makes them feel better about themselves or more aggressive.  Just as some will do this just to get us flustered or try and get a response out of us so they can feel they have it more together than us.  Which I have to just see as facets of human interaction.  Which with experience we become accustomed to handling.  But guess I just see the real sexual invitations and innuendoes not as dehumanizing but rather as their way of reaching out as clumsy or awkward or even off-putting as they may be.  I have to assume that if they want sex they want it, after all, to be with a human!

"Some men are going to hit on us just as a matter of course whether or not they are interested in us. Because they feel they should or it makes them feel better about themselves or more aggressive."

  Ladies, there's an aspect of men's approach to women of which the average woman might not know.

  Many men have the fisherman's outlook when it comes to women. We cast a large net over a wide area to pull in as much catch as possible, and then choose from what gets caught in order to decide which to keep and which not to keep. Often, the intended catch never gets caught in the net, and just as often, the intended catch slips out of the net. A vast majority of what's caught may not be to our liking, but that doesnt discourage us, because a fisherman doesn't cast one net one time in hopes of a good haul. We either cast the same net many times or more than one net many times, never quite sure what is out there, but optimistic that treasure exists. 

  That is why sometimes a man will flirt with some women even though there is little or no expectation on his part that anything will result from it. 



  And now, here's a question for you, officegirl: are there also some women who flirt with men just as a matter of course whether or not they are interested in the men, because they think they should or it makes them feel better about themselves or more aggressive? (The final word "aggressive" may or may not be substituted with any other word you consider to be appropriate.  Personally, I don't think it fits when describing women's behavior on this topic, but I acquiesce to you if you know of a better one.)


~ This post was edited by Randy D at September 10, 2018 6:22 AM MDT

Totally agree with you Randy D .. I've talked to so many men that I really DO know how men generally think :P Men. ( and I do love them) men can be very opportunistic when it comes to sex.. if they are offered it, or think they are.. they usually say yes, (*lol well I never had one refuse yet :P) ... And perhaps what many women may not appreciate is.. that it doesn't necessarily mean they like us or think we are cool or ...  it doesn't mean they hate us.. but if many women knew how men do think they might know that it sure doesn't mean we are worthwhile or that they care OR that they see us as potential girlfriends.. 

Women can be opportunistic too.. but more often in different ways as women, even the plainer among us never have to fight to get sex.. so women might be more like.. what can 'I' get out of it... in return..  

So yea women can and do flirt.. some because they want to.. some because they can.. some because they think it's expected/ what women are supposed to do... or to get what they want.. This post was edited by Adaydreambeliever at September 10, 2018 6:49 AM MDT

  It's especially important that young girls (the younger the better) be taught that they have not accomplished a darn thing by gaining the attention of some guy. Too many a young girl assumes that some guy likes her because of something she had done or due to friendship or because she's nice or good looking or had an attractive body.  Sure those are all factors, but they're secondary. The primary factor of attraction is based on her existence on the planet and that she's breathing. She could be the best-looking of all her friends or the worst-looking troll under a bridge, and some guy will still show up sniffing around.  A guy wants to get in her pants, so he likes her because that's what it takes to get a green light from her.  Young girls make poor decisions about guys based on inexperience and fairy tale beliefs. 

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You make me smile :) and I do love you.. so am I special now :P No, seriously, you are right.. not all men are bad and I don't think that wanting sex is bad either.. that's just how things are.. 

I love men and I love women.. (lol perhaps literally) but I do sometimes wish women would wise up simply because they set themselves up for so much hurt.. As long as everyone knows the game and knows what to expect and not expect.. We'd all be better off.  

Haha thanks for reminding us Randy!    I would say that what so many young women seem to buy into erroneously is the myth of love - the idea that if someone "loves" us then we will be looked after and taken care of and everything will be alright.  And, conversely, if everything is not alright then it means he odes not "love" us. I saw on a Forensic Files last evening where a man tried to kill his wife by poisoning her with arsenic and she almost died and because of it will have health problems all the rest of her life. She was maybe 50 years old and all she could say was "well I guess he must not have loved me".  Goodness!

The sexual interest - well for many of us it is a heady thing at 16 or 60 simply because it does not happen every day. And from the point of view of reproduction nothing else is really necessary for us to fulfill that function. So of course we seek it even knowing the possible negative outcomes. Because on one level we were created for just that. Which can get us in enough trouble as it is but reading things into it which are just not there can only get us into more.  Which really as much as we are warned we have to learn for ourselves. 

Thank you Randy - that does accord with what I have been told and have always suspected.  Although I am wondering once you get someone in your net how you would decide are we worth keeping. And I don't necessarily mean forever but worth exploring a relationship together with.  Used to be when I was young just the prospect of regular sex would be enough to keep men interested in us for a while - I don't think that is true any longer. Young men today seem to be much more careful and fearful of anything regular. 

Sorry perhaps my choice of "aggressive" was unfortunate.  Yes of course interest from men makes us feel good about ourselves and more confident but if it places us under a burden we can feel like OK who needs that.  By that I mean if it makes us feel uncomfortable or like certain things are expected of us.  Some men if we don't choose them just keep on and keep on like they have to save face or something so then it becomes unpleasant and we resent their interest in us.

I think there are all kinds of automatic and unconscious levels of flirting always going on between men and women.  Which can be pretty powerful but there is a difference between that and overt flirting. And I'm sure you know that many girls are very used to turning on the charm and the smiles which can be reaching out for love but also just wanting to be the center of attention. I don't know - guess I never had the wherewithal or confidence to pull off that kind of overt flirting so for me and perhaps others more like me has been more a matter of making myself available than casting any nets so have become more used to going with those who show they are interested that I want to explore further.  Sort of like the art of the possible. Then when something gets going I and hopefully he will work both together and separately to make it as good as possible while it lasts.  Which to me, from a practical point of view, close or even casual continuing relationships are all about. 

I have been having a good old think about this.. and I do love it when something causes me to think..  I personally would never see a man, or indeed a woman, (and yes I get that a lot too :P) making moves in the hope of gaining sex as making me feel valued..  That someone wants to get their rocks off with me doesn't in any way validate me as a person..  Perhaps partly because I was sexually abused as a child so I know someone wanting sex with me doesn't mean they like me, are interested in me, care about me or see me as a human being.. 

Although the sexual invitations side of things is slightly a different point.. The idea that it is flattering or that we, men or women, should be pleased if someone objectifies us is interesting..  For me I don't think i felt it flattering..... ok well for a few weeks but not after...  and it's because I feel dehumanised about it.. they aren't interested in ME just a bit of me or just what I can do for them.. or what they think I can do.. So I never take any notice, certainly am not flattered by it..

And what worries me... what I feel bad about is that... I know some women who DO find that being complimented about their boobs, their behind, their shape, makes them feel worthwhile..that it validates them as a person, as a woman... and just because of  that attention, that flattery, those compliments WOULD make them in return offer sex.. and that makes me sad :(  because I have seen the damage to self esteem it can do and because it's really not the compliment they think it is .. they really aren't *special*  to the man....  for instance, I have a friend who would literally go to bed with anyone she met... anyone who expected it, or demanded it.. SHE wasn't looking for sex, wasn't offering that service.. but did this because she had such low self-worth that she felt she had to.. felt it was expected, felt that if she said no they wouldn't like her..  felt she had to give and put other's wishes first..

She found that this resulted not only in her feeling more and more worthless, each compliment and each bit of attention was only good while it lasted and when it didn't mean anything, when she realised she wasn't special in any way to them beyond the sex she had provided them... she'd be back to square one next day.. looking for, hoping for and NEEDING |that attention in order to make her feel worthwhile.. She wasn't enjoying the sex..she was doing it because she wanted sex but because they wanted or expected.. And most of all she wondered why they only stayed with her a short while.. why, once they got fed up with the sex, which was being given freely, they went off in pursuit of new conquests... Needless to say she'd feel very hurt about it.. because the reality was they weren't interested in her.. only her services for as long as it amused them.. 

My friend, actually is VERY attractive.. I'd swap for her in heartbeat.. .she's a bit younger than my age, very young looking, big boobs, and she's a runner so very fit

I  don't consider myself at all pretty ... far from it.. first pic I ever put up online I only did so to warn people that I was NOT pretty because I didn't want to face disappointment when they met me..  But having seen how freely, widely, (See Randy's comment about fishing widely.. which most women don't know.. ) men fish I know enough to know that most likely it's just an opportunist compliment.. try it and see.. 

I get facets of human interaction.. but when the only interactions one gets are from people hoping to use you...usually for their own pleasure rather than yours... not talk to you, get to know you, have interest in you as a person...  that can be pretty depressing..

I wondered if men who get the same level of attention feel the same.. I think actually many do... especially when they have it all the time and people are only interested in one aspect of them.. not who and how they are as a person.  This post was edited by Adaydreambeliever at September 10, 2018 7:54 AM MDT

But dear when we grow up knowing our looks or our personality or are intelligence are flawed or imperfect or wanting and that because of that likely no one will want us and we will not be happy or loved and so we just will never fit in - then of course we reach out for and clutch at straws of self-esteem.  So when I discovered guys wanted sex with me despite all that I could use it and in fact thought it was about the coolest thing I could imagine! We need to feel good about ourselves, positive we need to feel we fit in and matter to people, to society.  And that it felt great made it all that more attractive. Now when I became first sexually active at 16 it was pretty much hit or miss but I had orgasms enough of the times that became something I looked forward to besides the desire and acceptance at least on that level.  And because our mothers had always warned us to be careful and particular about it then it pleased us to see them as "uptight" about sex where we were not and we gave ourselves freely and OK we knew that many or even most men may not have cared about us for any more than that but still because we came in contact with so many we met those who were interested in us for more that way.  So in the sense that Randy was using in his comment I guess it was like we were "casting our nets". I just thought it was so wonderful that anyone would want to hang out with me and spend a lot of time with me and want to have sex with me daily so it became better and better because that made me feel worthwhile and good about myself and I thought that is what life should be about - relationships.  Even if I understood that would not be around forever or they would not marry me or want children with me or to have a home with me.  You have to start from someplace and I started from sex and relationships and from there I was able to go on to making a place for myself in the world doing other things because I had more confidence and felt accepted and good about myself. 

So I guess I have been a lot like your friend in some ways except I tried to build my relationships so they could be as good as they could be while they lasted and when they liked me they would do the same so though I wanted more for myself I thought that was about the best it could ever get for me. But I was enjoying them so they were enough for me. 

Oh if your avatar is your picture then you are very pretty! I wonder if you know what it is like to be plain!  But the point is we need to learn that our looks are not everything and each of us, if we are willing to cultivate ourselves, will have something significant to bring to the table.  And I am not talking just about sex. I am talking about developing skills through which we can relate to others and the world as well as interests.  In other worlds we need something that is ours and does not completely depend on our relationship or whatever men we are with at the moment. That is what builds self esteem.  But we have to work for it and we can't expect that it will all just come for us as we can with sex. 

And what you write about "not" being pretty is so typical I can't help but both laugh and cry.  Goodness I think we should give men more credit.  OK so we don't get noticed and are not the center of attention all the time - men when they are interested in us are very forgiving and in fact often times don't even consider that we are at all "flawed" or "imperfect"! But we are just ourselves which I would hope is what we would want to be. 

I love being attractive and pretty when I am with someone who sees me as such. I have a loving compatible husband, an excellent and long-term job, I sit on the board of two arts organizations and have been appointed to my town's Conservation Commission. We have a large home in a safe and beautiful country suburb.  Guess I have plenty of self-esteem now.  But with all of it I still love being "pretty" and "sexy" and attractive with someone who greatly desires me and guess it is the attention and strokes I get being so that continues to fuel my extra-marital activity.  I will never leave my husband and have absolutely no desire to be asked to. But still I don't meet someone I am able to feel that way with every day. I feel I am very blessed with a husband who is my best friend and who understands me and is willing to put up with me. Which makes me more eager to serve and love him. 

In such respects I feel it must take any number of lifetimes to just have the time and the effort to put into be interested in absolutely all aspects of any person. We just cannot so we go with what works between us. Whether sex or friendship or mutual admiration or even mutual exploitation.  Even aspects of my husband remain closed to me after seven years of marriage simply because he is or I am less comfortable with them or he chooses not to how or get into them. I have real and good and useful relationships with my colleagues here at work, my boss, people who sit on boards or committees with me, my stepdaughters and even their mom, friends I go to concerts with, people I volunteer doing charitable work with,   so it is not only about or featuring sex.  Yes we use one another but because we are able to do that we respect one another as well so it is not  I guess I think how else do we relate meaningfully to one another if not using and being "used"?  Do we want to be just an art object on the shelf - cold and beautiful and having no practical use at all?  I don't want to me and the more I can be "used" the better I feel about myself and the more self-esteem I can have!  As a Christian I believe we exist to help one another. 

I wasn't aware this was confined to movie/TV stars.  I am pretty sure that people who enter the movie/TV field have some need for public adulation.  Naturally, not ALL men or ALL women want this or that.  At the age of 73, do I want to be seen as a sex symbol?  You bet your patootie I do!

  LOL! Very well put!
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