Depends on the woman. Everyone is different. I always found listening to what they say and demonstrate I’m listening. I let them blow up and vent. I then try to resolve the issue when they’re calmer. Don’t cut her off and don’t argue. The goal is diffuse the situation and resolve it. Good luck.
Don't even think in terms of "de-fusing" it. Pay attention to her. She wants your attention and agreement. Don't try to fix it or solve it or make it alright.
This post was edited by officegirl at October 11, 2018 7:22 PM MDT
Not weird at all - problem solving is very male. But please understand that often we may use anger not to resolve anything but simply to work through things.
Listen. The person who is angriest is always the one that most needs to be heard first.
Anger is always a secondary emotion. Beneath it, the trigger is fear or anxiety, physical pain or emotional (ego) hurt, or shame (the resistance to admitting some negative truth, or a toxic negative self-judgment that may not be realistic.)
If you feel angry in response, tell her you can't deal with this until you've had time to calm down. Take at least twenty minutes quiet time alone, go out for run, or do some vigorous physical activity to harmlessly burn off the adrenaline. If you have very busy lives, make a time to discuss it when you won't be interrupted. Turn off all phones.
Start by listening very attentively. Breath deeply and slowly and just keep listening no matter what she says. If it's really complex and you can't remember it all, take notes. Wait till she finally stops speaking or runs out of energy.
Then try to say something like this... "Let me see if I understand you correctly. You're feeling angry because..." Repeat the words that upset her or the incident or habit which triggered or set her off, and name how this affects her. In what way did it hurt, inconvenience or cause her hurt, fear, shame or disadvantage?
Wait to see if she agrees that you've got it right, or if she corrects it. If she corrects, repeat back in your own words (paraphrase) until she agrees that you've understood.
Sometimes just listening is enough, and once the explosion of anger is vented, nothing else is needed.
If she's misunderstood something, give her the facts.
But sometimes there is a problem that needs fixing. If so, ask her if she has some ideas about how to improve things. If she has no ideas, suggest a few yourself. If you've made a mistake, be honest about it. How could you repair it? If she's asking for a change, are you able to genuinely agree? Is it something you could do that would not cause you any inconvenience? Or that would make both your lives better in some way? If not, find an alternative (may require creative or lateral thinking) that can meet both your needs and hers.
Some people use anger as a means to try to manipulate and control others. If this is the case, be careful. The above method still works, but may require a different strategy near the end - something like, "I'm sorry that this bothers you so much, but I am unwilling to change this thing (because it fulfills my needs in such-and-such way). We need, or perhaps you need, to find a different solution in order to meet your needs." She might then launch into accusations that you are being selfish. That's just an attempt at emotional blackmail; don't let it sway you.
A solution is no solution at all and will always backfire if it doesn't equally fulfill the needs of everyone affected by it.
This post was edited by inky at October 12, 2018 7:07 PM MDT
Listen, then acknowledge that you've heard what they've said. Depending on how serious the topic is, smiling and being jokey can diffuse the situation but not in a dismissive way.
This post was edited by kjames at October 13, 2018 10:28 AM MDT
Benedict Arnold 