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Zack

Who was the one person responsible for making you the angriest you've ever been?

Posted - January 18, 2019
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  • My mother, she had lied to me about having cancer after I had  lost someone very close to me to cancer. When I found out she was lying, I cut all ties with her. She’d done a lot of crappy things in her life, but for me, that one was the last straw. 

    (I’m also pretty angry with Jason Momoa for not knowing I exist and falling madly in love with me.)  

      January 18, 2019 6:03 PM MST
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  • 7776

      January 18, 2019 6:24 PM MST
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  • 4631
    Others are not and cannot be responsible for my anger.

    I create my own anger by how I respond to a particular stimulus.

    I might feel emotional or physical pain as a result of someone else's actions or words. I think all sort of critical and judgemental thoughts about that person because I am in pain, and as I do so, my adrenaline shoots and before long I am angry.

    I might feel fear because I perceive that someone else's behaviour is likely to put me in direct danger (e.g., an inattentive or drunk driver) or damage my interests (e.g., someone trying to coerce me into following bad advice). Again, my thoughts about the situation are what fuels the adrenaline and then the anger.

    I might feel shame because I've made a mistake that I find unacceptable by my own values. In my case, I'm likely to be angry with myself and spend as long as it takes till I've fixed the problem.
    But some people cannot bare or accept the feeling of shame and so they deflect it by blaming others. For instance, a busy houseparent here's a car skidding and blowing its horn and moments later the sound of his or her own screaming toddler. On going outside, the parent sees that the child's ball has rolled out onto the road and the child had chased after it. The child has grazed knees and hands. Now the parent picks the toddler up. He or she shouts in a rage, "How many times have I told you never to run out on the road!" wacks the kid on the bum as hard as possible several times, and then drags it by the arm back inside the house.
    In a case like this, the child is far too young to understand the danger or to understand the reason for the rule - much less old enough to be sure of remembering it. The parent knows this but does not admit it. Rather than accepting the shame of failed responsibility for proper supervision, the parent blames and gets angry with the child. This is how shame becomes toxic. Toxic shame is a major source of self-created anger for many people. It is one of the ones most easy to change once one becomes aware of the inner processes.
      January 18, 2019 6:37 PM MST
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  • 976
    My Ex. He knows why and I don't like to go there. EVER. 

    He was a horrible person. Now that he's older, he's "nice". : |
      January 18, 2019 7:16 PM MST
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  • 44228
    My first wife...emotional and physical abuse (I cannot hit a woman.) One of the reasons she is my ex.
      January 18, 2019 7:37 PM MST
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  • 4631
    Always best to leave rather than retaliate.
    I respect and admire your choice.
      January 19, 2019 4:17 PM MST
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  • No one can "make" me feel or do anything, however I was very angry at my brother for many years.  In the past year I have learned to resolve that anger and although we don't have much of a relationship, I have forgiven him and made peace with that and with him. This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at January 19, 2019 3:54 AM MST
      January 18, 2019 7:46 PM MST
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  • 976
    I'm happy for you. (((hugs)))
      January 18, 2019 7:55 PM MST
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  • Aw, thank you, EJ.   That's very sweet.   
      January 18, 2019 7:57 PM MST
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  • 5391
    While Nom de Plume makes an excellent psychological point, I get the gist of your query.
    Who caused my anger to swell more than any other person? Good question.

    Answer: My biological father, who I will not call “Dad”.

    After a sparse childhood of his boozing and absenteeism, the Old Man officially abandoned my sisters and I to a drunken stooge of a mother and the whim of fate. Made a big, loud door-slamming show of it, too.
    Not another word (or dime of support) from him for about eight years. By then, he was persona non grata. Dead to me.

    When I was 32, the very same disowned puke of a father made an ill-considered attempt to contact my wife (who had never met him) at her teaching job, causing consternation from her superiors.

    Upon hearing this, and immediately growing angry, I asked one of my sisters to track him down, to presumably have a lunch with her. My sister was angry too. She agreed. 
    At the pretended luncheon, I surprised my Old Man in the parking lot, grabbed him up and slammed him down on the asphalt. Absolutely furious. I thumped my knee so hard into his chest, he was gasping. I stared down into his face and directly threatened his life: No contact, ever.  Be gone and stay gone. (Amid a torrent of profanity)
    I. Will. Eff-ing. End. You. 

    Message received. 

    That was the angriest moment of my life. 
    (I sometimes weigh whether this was a moment of strength or weakness, a case could be made either way.) This post was edited by Don Barzini at January 19, 2019 5:10 PM MST
      January 18, 2019 8:48 PM MST
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  • 4631
    I understand the kind of rage you have illustrated.
    Both my parents were alcoholics too, each with a different pattern of drinking and behaving when drunk - each equally dysfunctional and destructive.
    My father died when I was 14 - of drinking-related health issues.
    Mum - who had previously blamed her drinking on Dad's treatment of her - continued to binge drink for the rest of her life.

    It's worth taking a look at the list of harms caused by alcoholism. One of them is Korsakoff's dementia, and one of the first signs of the onset is loss of empathy for others and insight into one's own condition. It happens long before cirrhosis of the liver and it usually goes undiagnosed.

    What helped me to deal with my anger at their chronic abuse and neglect was when, in my thirties, I realised just how seriously they had been abused by their parents. My mother was an only child raised by her mother, who was a drunk, highly critical, possessive, controlling and prone to unpredictable outburst of violence. My father's mother was a bi-polar prone to psychotic episodes of rage and his father was often absent for long periods at work. My father was also, at 12, raped and physically abused at Wesley boarding school. Their generation did not have the same access to modern psychological counselling that ours does. In a way, what is more surprising than their alcoholism and misery is that neither suicided while still very young.
    They were so miserable they could not see the reality around them. They had no understanding or awareness of the present and future consequences of their actions. 
    When I realised how emotionally crippled they both were, my anger at the ways they neglected and abused me dissolved. I refuse to forget because I believe that one cannot learn without memory. It gives me a better understanding of myself and others. But I no longer feel the anger that haunted me for such a long time.



    This post was edited by inky at January 19, 2019 5:31 PM MST
      January 19, 2019 4:40 PM MST
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  • 5391
    I appreciate your candor, NdP. 
    What little I have gleaned about father’s father is that he was much the same: an absent drunk, philanderer, ne’er-do-well with multiple bad marriages. Never met him myself. The pattern is evident in my old man’s life choices. He never stood up to his father though. 
    My mother drank mostly because my father drank, and then it became a refuge from her sad reality. My sisters and I became little more than neglected by-products of their failed marriage. She spared no opportunity to remind us of this. 
    When the Old Man stormed out, we were suddenly staring at homelessness and a bleak future. I do not know what type of life he led after that. 
    In time, my mother met and married a truly wonderful man, but her destructive behavior remained, often compounded by pills. My stepfather Vito took us under his wing, and provided for us, until a stroke took him five years later. She became intolerable, bitter and toxic after that. 

    Then to have the reviled deadbeat who left us so high and dry unexpectedly re-enter my world years later, setting off professional problems for my wife was more than I could abide. In my mind, there was no quarter to be given. I am a combat vet, that I left my Old Man still mobile and conscious after our encounter was mercy enough. It could have been worse for him, and he knew it. 

    As I posited, this may or may not have been a moment of weakness, but in the end, I am still OK with it. 
      January 19, 2019 6:34 PM MST
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  • 628
    Hello there Zack.
    The 'angriest I have ever been' was brought on by a series of events, starting with a serious injury which was life changing in many ways.
    I was happily married with 3 small children and a successful business when one night, that all changed. 
    I lost my business, my house, my savings, cars, everything. I had lost my physical capabilities and had to go through over a year of physical, and emotional therapies. 
    During all this my wife could'nt cope with the strains and had an affair, resulting in a pregnancy, resulting in a child. Think you know angry..try that one on. I hated my wife with passion.
    Through this anger and frustration I found great joy and satisfaction. I divorced my wife, was awarded full legal and physical custody of my 2 children, the oldest was not my biological child, but was awarded visitation, she too is my child...
    I let go of my anger and have had a wonderful life. my kids are grown and on their own and I am preparing for retirement in a few years.

      January 18, 2019 9:24 PM MST
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  • 14795
    How sad to read that and I'm so pleased  that you managed to get through it all...:) 
      January 19, 2019 5:09 PM MST
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  • 628
    Hello Nice Jugs
    Thank You..
    My survival is completely due to my children, I had no choice, for their sake. 
    the anger is gone but the scars remain and they are obvious as the bulk of the injuries were to my head and face..
      January 20, 2019 10:06 PM MST
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  • 14795
    I can't begin to ever think what that must be like or what you went through ,physical scars heal quite quickly mostly but the ones you had to deal with often never heal...
    I can fully understand how the need to care for  your kids pulled you through it....

    Nature has a funny way of helping us pull through things.    The need to protect and care for your offspring and those of others that are all so vulnerable is so strong throughout nature......

    Nj xxx
      January 21, 2019 2:36 AM MST
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  • i dont get angry i get petty revenge 
      January 18, 2019 9:26 PM MST
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  • 5808
    just me...
      January 19, 2019 1:32 AM MST
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  • 6098
    I don't do well with anger so avoid it as much as possible.  Guess when people purposely push my buttons trying to get a reaction from me and purposely not understanding me I don't like that.  Once this man was baiting me saying how I would not understand this or that because I was a woman etc.  I was coming off a breakup and it just set me off. And he was someone usually very understanding and good to me but he kept on and kept on until I started throwing punches at him like crazy.  Then he pinned my arms down and I cried then had sex with him.  He was sort of taking advantage of me but I needed the closeness at that time because I had become a bit of a zombie. 
      January 19, 2019 6:12 PM MST
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