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Baybreeze

What is a laid back mind- set for dating?

I have had a lot of issues in trusting men and dating.. I want to find love and joy VERY much but keep identifying with my subconscious of being 'less' or not worth dating (b/c of anxiety and abuse). I get so nervous that the guy will feel my lack of confidence or learn of my anxiety and ditch me :/  How can I not look to 'future' with a guy and scare myself, and just treat dating as FUN?? Do you have any certain mind set when it comes to love or dating? 

Posted - May 16, 2017
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Responses


  • 6477
    I'd say.. go for friends.. or friends and see as it's sometimes called.. you can start off as friends, with no thought or plan for more.. if you fall for each other then that's great but if not you still have a lovely friend.. 

    You didn't mention dating sites.. I have been around those.. and unfortunately many men are just looking for sex - not saying there's anything wrong with that just it' s a sure fire way to break your heart if you are looking for more and they have no intention of more than a roll in the hay and bye bye.. 

    I'd say fun dating is just enjoying a man's company and just letting what happens happen
      May 16, 2017 4:01 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Yes I would NOT do dating sites lol. I've had friends say most just want sex or the others who don't were just odd and it never worked out. I'm not saying all men are odd lol, but I've heard negative things about what guys really want on dating sites.  I would REALLY like to be just friends with a man and go out and not be so DAMN Nervous :( I guess I think about wht THEY want more than what I want, and I feel I'll surely come up short.. either they'll ditch me b/c of the abuse I've had, or they'll think I'm a joke since I've never really dated :/  I get so sad about it, it stings very much being in your 30's and never having had a bf. I really enjoyed your view; just be friends (if I can find a guy that actually will go slow and do that!! ) and do not think or plan for more.... ty  friend *huggg
      May 16, 2017 4:46 PM MDT
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  • 2052
    Why do you think a lack of confidence is a turn off for someone.  I think it is refreshing, a lot of men are overconfident.  Many women do not like it at all. 
    Be yourself and relax.  
      May 16, 2017 4:08 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thanks S. I guess I hear SO much that men like confident women. That women should 'know' themselves, what they want etc. I sometimes don't even feel I know myself, due to many years of abuse. Mainly in childhood but it extended into my 20's too; degrading, belittling, mocking, and I felt less than everyone. But I mainly feel less than men b/c of the fact of like you said, many seem overconfident. They seem to judge others more in a way (not all men). Also I guess I view men as wanting adventure seeking , confident women who are flashy, sexy etc. I am none of those things , lol. It gets me down and I decline dates b/c I feel they'd reject me knowing how much abuse I went through. Ty I will try to just relax and not feel I 'need' to be confident.. Hugg.
      May 16, 2017 4:43 PM MDT
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  • 53529
    There may be a big difference between rejection based on past abuse and rejection based on who you are now due to the past abuse.  You have no control over the past, you can't change the fact that you suffered abuse. You do, however, control today (the present), and you can, if you want to, change who you are today.
    Also, please remember that you're an active participant in rejection of others. There might be a great guy who you let go or will let go without giving him a fair chance. 
    ~
      May 16, 2017 4:58 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Appreciate your feedback R. Ty for saying i could not control the abuse or past. My mind sometimes thinks in the subconscious thay 'somehow"I must be what the cruel words were. I work very hard at eliminating those beliefs but they get engrained. I will NOT let the criel words or acts tell me who I am anymote.However did I have the control in past couple years to just say.. "You are great and whole just as you are"..NO. When you have anxiety and PTSF from extensive abuse, you barely get through a day nevermind "choose' , "Im going to be confident now and date. I think that im learning i dont HAVE to be some overly confident woman though..i can just try now for self assurred. 
      May 16, 2017 9:22 PM MDT
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  • 53529
    I've been married for many years (whole decades, in fact), so I haven't been in the dating world for a long time, I do, however, have some input to what you've written, Sunny. 

    My perspective is certainly not an across-the board representation of how all men think; I'm giving it from my own point of view, and I recognize the fact that others may be polar opposites in their ways of thinking. Neither one is right or wrong, just different.

    Personally, exhibiting a lack of confidence, especially self-confidence, is one of the biggest and foremost turn-offs in a woman.  (By the way, Baybreeze is a woman who is interested in men, so your advice about men's overconfidence and what women do not like in men is a little misplaced.)

    There are varying degrees or levels of any trait found in people, and severe self-doubt or low confidence doesn't necessarily mean that it's opposite is arrogant overconfidence or narcissism. Quite the contrary, there are in-betweens that can make a person appealing, likeable and attractive. A woman can be self-assured, grounded, real, friendly, extroverted, etc, and still be quite interesting to men who like those qualities. I am one such man. 

    You're entitled to like what you like, and it's nice to hear that someone finds it refreshing, because it supports the old adage that there is someone for everyone out there.  Thanks for your answer!
    ~
      May 16, 2017 4:53 PM MDT
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  • 7939
    I've been the same way. Between my past and the fact that I almost never leave my home and interact with people IRL, dating has always given me anxiety. In fact, I've never really done it. Every relationship I've ever had was with someone I knew for an extended period of time beforehand- like a year or more. The idea of actually dating did not appeal at all to me.

    So, from my personal experience, I'd say you should try to meet friends first. Find a Meetup group or something where you can get comfortable in social settings. You may wind up making some good friends or meet someone there with a similar interest and then the ice breaking is already done.

    I'm also the ultimate snoop. As soon as I have a guy's name, I start playing detective online. This, I mostly do for my own comfort. You and I have similar histories, so I think you probably understand why I do that. I won't meet someone I don't feel 100% safe with, which means I almost never meet someone in person.

    That brings me to the other thing- online. Online dating is not bad. It gives you a chance to get to know someone really well before you meet. If a guy is only interested in sex, you'll probably be able to tell. And, certain sites tend to attract more serious daters. Plenty of Fish is all over the place, but I met a really cool guy there who became a good friend of mine. I had a "friends-only" profile there before I actually tried dating. Meeting him was really cool because we found we had a lot in common-  it was the first time I've ever felt comfortable just laying everything on the line and saying "This is me. This is what I do. This is how I am." You know, it's hard not to put a front up, and that's kind of what I was doing. I either wanted to not let people in or I tried to be as bland as possible to blend in. So, making that first connection was really awesome. Even just as a friend, to have someone see how you are and jump in with "me too" and be totally comfortable- that was a huge step for me. After making that connection, I felt like I could actually start looking.

    I think eHarmony sucks. Their algorithm gave me crappy matches. People I had nothing in common with, but they were all legit guys who wanted to date, not just have sex. I really liked OKCupid. With them, you can answer questions and see who has answers that are like yours. That also helps weed out the people who aren't like you. I met some really awesome people that way. I got matched with an actor and a niche-oriented talk show host... both were legit. Very creative minds and I loved talking to them, but they were far away and wouldn't have been a good fit. I met a few others that way who were average people and had some great similarities. Good conversations.

    All that said, I wound up on a site for parents that didn't have any of the bells and whistles with matching and such and one of the first people I came across was an artist/ art teacher. I don't know what it was about him, but his profile talked about his kids, being positive, his love of culture, and how he was working on his PhD. I was instantly at ease with him. I reverse image searched him and found all his social media profiles and got his name (yeah, I'm dangerous). I read a bunch of news articles about him where his students said he had inspired them- they'd gone on to college because he encouraged them, gotten scholarships, and won awards for their own art. Normally, when guys ask for my number, it's a solid "no," but I was really eager to talk to him and learn more. When guys ask me out, I usually blow them off, especially if it's early into the discussion. The day after we started talking, he asked me to meet him that week. I didn't even hesitate a little. It was my first "date" ever in my whole entire life and I was nervous as all get-out. I had to take stomach medicine because my insides were a wreck from nerves. My hands were shaking. I cannot even begin to explain the degree to which I was petrified about the actual date- not him- he was wonderful- but the worry that I somehow wouldn't measure up for this cultured and well-educated artist who practically qualifies for sainthood when I'm just me... Ugh. I was practically waiting for the rejection.  When we finally sat down for dinner and I got to talk to him and look in his eyes, the poor guy was just as terrified as me. He was certain I'd reject him too. But, seeing his anxiety over it all, I felt so much better.

    Anyway, the moral of the story is that whoever you date will probably be just as nervous as you are. Also, don't discount dating sites, but do read between the lines in the messages you get. You'll wind up with hundreds of messages to sort through and you can afford to be picky. Don't settle. Sure, chat with people. Get to know different personalities and learn what different people are about, but don't worry about the rejection. Anyone who doesn't fall head over heals for you is not the one, and them leaving your life leaves a space for the right person to find you. When the right one comes along, you will know it. I have spent my life trying to make things work with men who I loved, but weren't right. And, some part of me knew that, but I also thought that you can love anyone and make any relationship work. Maybe the latter part is still true, but I'm telling you, any date you go on is nothing more than a rehearsal, so that you know the right one when he comes. 
      May 16, 2017 5:57 PM MDT
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  • 53529
    Lol, I loved the mutual fear of mutual rejection part!

    Great piece, very well written!
    :)
      May 16, 2017 10:41 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thanks J for a detailed, open reply. I think 100% that I need to start with a friend; someone I can laugh with and NOT have expectations that are set high or some checklist of things the guy wants for the woman to have already done or wants to do,  for a date. Only thing is I find it is hard to find guys who do WANT to start off with friends... they think that is friendzoned, and I've had guys online point blank say 'I don't want a friend' or, ' I have friends' or , 'I don't think of a woman I like as my friend.' I 'kind' of get what they mean, maybe like not a 'buddy' but I just disregarded those guys b/c I think you NEED friendship first; how would anything ever be real or true??? It just wouldn't really. I just wonder where guys are that want friendship and would not try to rush things into romance (it seems many want to do that). :/  

    I think it is so nice you both were nervous instead of only one being physically nervous and it just shows not all guys want just sex.. ty for that. Some WANT connection and are nervous too- I never really think of that. I just think of them as the one who will call the shots, the ones who will judge me, the ones who will ditch me after finding about my abuse. I don't think maybe they ARE good, open, and kind and not just blowing smoke up someone to get what they want. Did you ever stay in touch/date the artist? My main goal is to simply believe I am OK even having had so much abuse, that I'm not a fraud to them... that they won't wonder, 'why is she dating?' if she get s anxiety with things? I realize saying that out loud how hard I am on myself, never really noticed that that sounds really shallow if they thought that, but then again, some just don't care and want a really confident date :/  Well, if I can get just one evenign, even for an hour, to ONLY think of the 'now' and not some future where I'm the one being rejected, I will be in the most JOYOUS moment ever; to be able to DO it.  Thanks J, appreciate your feedback on the sites and your experience.
      May 19, 2017 10:19 PM MDT
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  • 7939
    The motivation for every man is going to be different- just like every woman is different. It doesn't matter what "most" men want. Even if 99% are looking for just sex, you can search the pool of those who don't. Plus, a whole lot of men are really transparent on dating sites- they'll openly tell you if they just want sex or FWB thing- some women want that too, so being honest saves them a bunch of effort/ drama. Equally, there are plenty of men who are just happy to have friends. There will also be others who want to be more than friends, but will be ok with just being friends for a while. Your open and honest communication is important, though, so that nobody gets hurt. And, you my find someone who is dealing with the exact same things you are. Try not to think of it as judging, but rather finding someone who is the right fit for you. You'll both be doing this- you both want someone who shares your values and general lifestyle. That's all it is.

    I think most people want companionship and everyone deserves to find someone they mesh with- so there are going to be people out there looking who suffer from anxiety, depression, chronic illnesses, or have other issues. They aren't unworthy of love, but they do need to find someone who understands the condition, and that'll be key for you too. The people who bail when they realize you have baggage- they'll have baggage too. It may be different than yours, which is why they don't understand yours, but everyone's got something. Everyone.


    The artist... well, we've been pretty much joined at the hip since our first date. It's early and I don't want to jinx it, but it feels right. Really right, and very different from any relationship I've ever had.
      May 20, 2017 2:02 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thanks J. You are right, not ALL men might just sex, and some WILL want friendship first (although I think it is a lower percentage ) :/  I think the right man or a kind one, will be friends first, and that is what I'm going to search. I haven't even had the 'self' or foundation to BEGIN to search, so it has felt crappy seeing others always dating/hugging/kissing etc. for years.  Thank you for saying everyone deserves someone , and that they'll just need to understand my past or me. I'm glad you guys have been so close.. that is GREAT!! Keep us posted on it- was he ok with friendship first? I think any relationship needs that foundation- he sounds like an awesome guy:)
      May 22, 2017 12:02 AM MDT
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  • 7939
    I do have lots of male friends, some of whom I've met on dating/ friendship/ networking sites. The artist isn't one of them. lol I knew what I wanted in a potential partner before I met him, and having the prior friendships helped to solidify in my mind that I could find it. Before I had those, I was more or less just set on the idea that, if I did find someone, I would probably have to accept that they'd have some of my deal-breakers or not really be a good match. But, in meeting lots of people, I was able to identify certain traits and I could tell who I'd get along with and who I wouldn't fairly easily. One of my big things was family values, so even the people I got along well with, and was very similar to, fell off my radar if they didn't share my values in this respect. I'm not going to spend my life justifying my parenting decisions to someone or having to explain why I'm putting my kids first. I know this about me, so it was just a matter of sorting through who was out there and was like me. And, that's not to say I'm some elitist. If I brought a man on board who didn't share my family values, it would be misery for him, and for all kids involved. It's better for everyone if you're selective from the start.

    By the time I met the artist, I already knew exactly what I wanted- it was just a matter of finding someone who fit the mold. I wasn't looking for a friend and neither was he. We got through the niceties during dinner and calmed our nerves a bit, and then went to a different venue and had some drinks and bared our souls. And, that's not normal first date stuff. Most people would probably cringe at that, but really, we both put everything on the table. I'm sure if either of us had been paired with anyone else that night, the other party would have bailed from the craziness of it all, but he and I have similar histories, issues, and hang-ups, and so instead of those things coming across as deal-breakers, we just offered our acceptance of the other party as-is. That's the kind of thing I hope you find. I still haven't told him all my stories, but I'm not sure they need to be said. He gets the general idea and rolls well with my quirkiness. Having found that, and having the experience to see it for what it is, made the friendship stage unnecessary. We fell into a relationship right away and it has been largely effortless.
      May 23, 2017 11:25 AM MDT
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  • 6477
    I'd just add that dating sites are definitely not all bad.. I've met erm a LOT of people... a lot, lot lol.. and I never met anyone who wasn't nice.. Like JA i never, ever met anyone unless I felt safe.. and for some people I never met them at all because i had a bad feeling... but you have to be a lot more careful as people, men and women, can and do lie, and there are more dangers physically so you have to be cautious and take precautions.. 

    I met a lot of cool people, some who weren't right for me but remained friends...and that's a wonderful thing. I also met two men I loved, one of whom was, I feel my soul mate, I met many more who might have, could have, maybe have been but weren't. I would say that one of the problems I found, is that dating sites tend to perpetuate the myth that the grass is always greener... as in a lot who use them don't stop looking even when they have found someone... and that happened to me, and others found the same...Not saying all... but it's a dating site phenomenon to watch out for.. Sometimes too I feel, and it's just observation and opinion, that dating sites, can encourage many shorter relationships - perhaps connected with the people keep looking for the next best thing.. Just thinking aloud there tho.
      May 20, 2017 3:09 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thanks Daydream, I also think some get the impression there is ANOTHER out there on the site, always another hookup or date etc, and I'm glad you reminded me of that. I've heard women say they thought they were becoming serious with a guy to find out that the guy was still on the dating site, and active. :/  I'm glad you had the courage to go  on many meetings/dates with different guys; I want that so much. to just NOT think ahead so much and become so nervous ('what will he really think of me?' 'will this be anything'?) and instead of just being IN that moment for the date, I feel I'll be thinking of how he WILL reject me soon when he learns of things that make me anxious:/  I 'm working on just saying 'hey this is a one time meet, maybe we will talk again maybe not' ... Ty daydream :)
      May 22, 2017 10:28 AM MDT
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  • 13071
    Farting on the first date.
      May 23, 2017 12:58 PM MDT
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  • 6098
    That seems pretty normal.  But I don't think we can "plan" or "schedule" "fun". In a relationship that happens with someone whose company we enjoy once we get with him.  Of course we can  engage in activities that we have "fun" doing and meet people through them.  I think best just to do what we are comfortable with but we do have to put ourselves out there whatever.  But if you are not getting on with someone no reason to continue.  If you are then we feel more comfortable taking it further. "Laid-back" to me is something we can only develop with experience.  But its a matter of do we want love and pleasure and security?  Of course we do and those are monumental enough concepts to always keep us at least a bit on edge.  
      May 26, 2017 10:23 AM MDT
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