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Baybreeze

Have you ever dated while not really wanting a serious relationship?

I've never dated and it has really become a sad topic for me, I cry I feel so low, and the main reason I've declined dates is because of fear; that they'd find out how much abuse I've been through and ditch me. Also that I feel i'd GET anxiety while out too :/ I'm trying so hard to overcome this b/c I know I'm good , kind, loving, yet my subconscious CLINGS to that fear when a guy asks me out ... would it be fine or hav eyou ever dated JUST for that night of relaxation or fun? Not having to put pressure on things or yourself to 'be' something or have it 'go ' somewhere.. I think I get very stuck in that; and I just want something fun.. but is anyone out there NOT searching for a soul mate, or serious relationship?

Posted - May 24, 2017
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Responses


  • 6477
    No, I haven't ever dated without wanting a relationship..However I have *dated* or continued to see people as friends or other while I was looking for love elsewhere..I DID tell them that they weren't the one and that I was looking elsewhere... 

    I know from things you have said in the past that you have a lot of worries about dating and you have had abuse in your past.. that affects you for sure, but I honestly don't believe it would be a reason for the right person to be put off or to reject you..the right one will take the time and effort needed to reassure you and make sure you feel loved and supported.

    Most of my male friends have been people I was intimate with in the past but who were not right for me in terms of happy ever after but yes, there were those who I saw, platonically just for the enjoyment of their company. I had a fabulous friend for a long time and we would go to the opera, shows, and we even went to Amsterdam together.. we had a great platonic time... we laughed and just enjoyed each other's company.. I had no thoughts of relationships as that wasn't on the cards
      May 24, 2017 9:51 AM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thx Daydream...I really appreciate your kind words saying you d on't believe the years of abuse would 'be a reason for the right person to be put off'... it meant a LOT *huggg. I guess I feel 'is it fair' for me to try to date when I feel broken; is it fair if I might not be qualified for 'all' of the things people do in dating (mainly I get anxious with extensive/air travel). I guess I'm overthinking , it's just I don't want the guy to think I'm 'more' than I am :/  Yet I guess if we were just friends FIRST doing simple things, I could let my guard down and anxiety- that is so cool you had a friend like that :) To just be you, to just laugh; even if it did not lead to romance. I'd REALLY like it if I could find a friend and then it did lead to love, but if not it's ok too for now.... Ty again for your reply  D ....
      May 24, 2017 7:06 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    By 'is it fair' , I meant to the guy.. is it fair to the guy..
      May 24, 2017 7:07 PM MDT
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  • 6477
    You *are* more than you are.. you just don't believe it.. And I honestly think the right guy is going to be more than happy to take it slow and build up your confidence so that you can one day think about things such as travel.. but you really don't need to think about that now.. and yes, friends to start is a good plan - build trust in each other. 
      May 26, 2017 10:20 AM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thank you so much for that confidence boost ADDB!! It was so kind because I really don't think very much of myself most days; I don't do some activities others' do b/c of anxiety so I rank myself down lower than others, and it makes me feel not suitable to be a 'gf' or dating; and THAT in itself makes me feel quite sad .... Maybe you are right that the RIGHT guy might be somewhere for me, willing to go slow or be friends, have patience... I hope he is out there , ty so Much *hugg
      May 26, 2017 8:13 PM MDT
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  • 22891
    no, ive never dated, guys wont even ask me out, not sure why
      May 24, 2017 10:44 AM MDT
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  • 1138
    Strike up a low key chat somtime, even with a guy working at a store or ice cream place... I'm sure you will find a friend that can maybe lead to more !!
      May 24, 2017 7:08 PM MDT
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  • 6098
    Probably I was too serious for that but I thought I was not pretty or smart enough that anyone would want a "serious" relationship with me so I just settled for shorter term ones of a year or several months where we could just enjoy one another while it lasted.  I have always liked men and they have often liked being with me even though they may not have seen me as anyone to be with forever when we got on it got good and was great for however long it lasted.  I don't think I had any serious relationships of over three years until I met my husband when I was 53.  Most lasted a year or so.
      May 26, 2017 10:09 AM MDT
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  • 7792
    All I know is that I'm never getting married again. Anything short of that I'm ok with. BTW, it's your life and you can live it any way that you want. My advice to you is to be upfront with the other person as far as what you want or expect in a relationship. You don't want any messy misunderstandings later.
      May 26, 2017 10:25 AM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thanks Zack; for giving me the advice that it is OK to not 'have' to be serious or find 'the one' when I get out there.... I put so much pressure on myself that I just won't live up to any expectation a guy has, so I get very nervous, and decline :( I just don't WANT to feel this low /sad anymore about not dating.... (I'm also one that is not an advocate for marriage overall- ) Ty again *huggg
      May 26, 2017 8:16 PM MDT
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