My cousin moved to the USA as soon she could to get away from her dad. The poor widower did not have a clue about bringing up two daughters. 

I have tried to get jobs in Canada and Bermuda, in the belief that it might possibly advance my career. 

Gowf clubs. 

My locality has M Crescent, M Court, M Grove, M Park, M Place and M Road; simply the M bit wouldn't cut it. 

HIs brains are in his (...) - Insert body part(s) below the neck or below the waist. 

My cat adores me; but then I'm not the average human being. 

Done it again: old ones running out of notches in buckle. 

Once I had a puncture on the caravan at 5 in the morning. 
Called the breakdown service, but by the time they arrived I'd got the wheel off. Off to wait for the tyre shop to open. they said needs new wheel. Got it from caravan dealer and back to tyre...  moreOnce I had a puncture on the caravan at 5 in the morning. 
Called the breakdown service, but by the time they arrived I'd got the wheel off. Off to wait for the tyre shop to open. they said needs new wheel. Got it from caravan dealer and back to tyre shop to fit.  By the time I returned to caravan, breakdown service said their time to fix it was up, so had to fit wheel back myself. Arriving at destination late in evening, stopped by police checking if we were legit campers. 
 
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Mine trapped herself behind the drawer under the bed after I had taken some bedlinen out. 

Shh, it's a secret/classified. 

SOmetimes have baked beans with a pudden. 

Being with best woman in the world. 

Tea and toast, plus a banana.

If he's in disguise, the valid passport will give the show away. 

Won't stop the Borderforce from baulking him. 
 
 

I once had a neighbour who was a policewoman. She insisted on checking my ID when I was on a house-to-house charity collection, even though she knew perfectly well who I was. 

I believe he'd need a fake passport to go with the disguised id. 

In Scotland it's Rabbie Burns. In my day it was studied in schools. Don't know about nowadays. The Old Scots vernacular is probably too much like hard work.  

I've more than enough books of my own without resorting to the library. Doesn't stop me from buying more whenever I pass a bookshop/book festival. 

No, apart from the first one who was my wife's originally and was a bit jealous when I came on the scene. 
 
Conversely, the present one is extra pally since my wife passed away. 

Kilt (choice of four). 

The weather varies in a continuum; therefore there are grey areas blurring any distinctions in type. 

Ditto

Apparently I have been breaching the requirements of my driving licence. Only just noticed: doubt if anyone else has either. 

They didn't want to be landed with an X certificate. 

Electricity prices are escalating to such an extent that filling up with petrol may now be more economic even for hybrid vehicles. 

Mind means remember in Scots usage. 

I mind the nurses in the maternity ward. 

Not for a long time on the car. Happens regularly on the bike. 

The classic reference is from RL Stevenson's poem the Lamplighter, but I believe the term predates that. 

It was a general term for a lamplighter. 

Gas lights, including street lights that had to be lit by a man (Leerie) on a ladder. 

Remembrance of Times Past by Proust (in translation).There are also a couple of Russian novels that I gave up on, it being less laborious to read a trannslation. 

In Scotland it's a bahookie.

I wish. 

Barking doggies (fireworks).

That's what I do, but I don't remember ever reading any instructions. 

It has a horn?

No shared with bro.

Having to run up and down the zigzag lines when there wasn't anyone else queuing in them. Fortunately they let us on the plane at the last minute after all that. 

Probably hiding away laughing her head off at you trying to find her. Don't worry she'll eventually come back at feeding time or if it gets cold and wet. 
I've had mine come back at 5 in the morning, but it was only 10pm last time out. 

Yes, and it's not margarine. 

Singin' in the Rain; raindrops keep falling on my head. 

Thanks for the reminder; it's (over)due for a service or a replacement. 

No, no, no, no, no, postal voting, different election systems for different election, FPTP for parliament, various eg STV or D'Honte for local or state, and formerly yet another for Europe. 

Rules vary and can be too complicated to bother with. 
In theory a 'no recycling' label should help, but I seriously doubt that it doesn't cope with variations between jurisdictions. 

Jacket, shirt (not button down), tie, trousers (not jeans) and black leather shoes. Scarf if cold but no hat. 

Only happened briefly: I must have been 9 or 10. 

Mum bought a basement flat for £674 when she came back to Scotland.